Anachronistic: Endless Masquerade

10 | Sense of Self

- 10 -

        Pandora lit a cigarette and stared out over the ocean, asking questions to someone who couldn't answer. "Who even am I anymore?"

        She slid down until her chin rested against the guard rail and watched the ocean waves crash on the horizon. The ship left port hours ago and she had spent the whole time since thinking about Lilith. She couldn't make any sense of it. She was used to chasing after women, sure, but usually it was because she was trying to sleep with them. This felt different. She wanted to protect Lilith; be the hero that rushes in and saves the day.

        "More like you than me."

        Her mind replayed the morning's events again. How many times did that make now? She had lost count. The original plan was to board the ship early. It wasn't like there was much to do in the city anyway, at least not before the ship's scheduled departure at noon. The idea was to lounge around on deck watching the sea. She could even try to slide a few mils to one of the cooks in the galley to get herself some alcohol. It had worked for her on the trip over. Even without booze, it would still be a better way to spend the morning than milling about a large city, if only to escape the stench.

        Instead, Pandora spent her whole morning watching some beggar on the docks. A ratty looking woman she noticed in the corner of her eye while heading to the boarding ramp. Small and thin, wearing a filthy summer dress six months past it being appropriate. Her long blond hair matted to the side of her head.

        "Not that I looked much better when we first met."

        Pandora stared down at her boarding ticket. Not the one that had set a struggling girl 1500 mils richer, but the one she had purchased the night before. Replacement for the one the hunters had lost; the ticket she hadn't used.

        "Just what compelled me to do it?" Pandora asked. "I know it's what you would have done, but is it something I would do?"

        It wasn't; she was sure of it.

        Lilith was stopping anyone who dared come near trying to scalp her ticket. Of course, Pandora had no reason to buy it, and less reason to sit around and watch, but she still found her gaze fixed on the sight. Scores of people passed by ignoring Lilith but Pandora was unable to do the same. Why though? Empathy? No. It was true that she had been that down on her luck girl once, but this wasn't empathy. Pandora had rid herself of that years ago.

        Yet for some reason, Pandora found herself leaned against a lamp post watching each passing person, hoping they would buy the girl's ticket. Two hours she watched in secret before that thief strolled up; before he put that blade to her throat. This was the point where her memory had gotten stuck each time. The point where her sense of self shattered. Each time she replayed that moment in her mind, even though she knew damn well she had done it, it wasn't her hand extended to Lilith, but Renna's.

        "It's like the time we first met."

        Pandora's mind drifted back to her childhood. She didn't like to think of her life before Renna, but she let the memories flood in; anything to take her mind off Lilith. That was the goal at least, but it didn't work. The scenes were too similar. The image of her sitting in front of the fountain in the city center. The moist air it created was a poor match for the cold winter air, but high foot traffic made it the ideal place to beg. Instead of bread, her daily attempt at thievery had been used to steal cosmetics. A decision she was paying the price for.