The Color Of You

Chapter 6

Escaping from problems had always been your default response when things became too confusing or hard. This coping mechanism had served you well in the past, helping you deal with the challenges at school when the bullying became too much, or when your attempts to seek affection from your mother were repeatedly dismissed. You retreated to things that were straightforward, activities that made sense when you were hurting. So, rather than physically running away, you dove into your studies. It was simpler to deal with than people, and for a while, it provided a distraction, at least during daylight hours when the nights didn't whisper doubts and hurtful words.

You couldn't deny that you sometimes wished you could just switch off your mind or stop feeling altogether, wondering if that might make you more "normal." Your professors appeared to support your intense focus on your work, viewing it as ambition and recognizing your potential. It felt good to be acknowledged and praised for something you excelled at, providing a welcome source of encouragement when the turmoil within made you crumble. Because while their praises made you feel good about yourself it wasn't the same feeling as when Wanda or Natasha made you feel good. You didn't feel any shame afterwards, nor did you find yourself seeking validation from your professors. You simply pursued your passion, which was a stark contrast to how you yearned for Natasha and Wanda's attention. There was something about being in Natasha and Wanda's presence that transformed you in to something needy and clingy, though you couldn't quite understand why. You often felt ashamed and guilty afterward, yet you couldn't deny that you cherished those moments where you let yourself drown in their warmth. It was unlike anything you had experienced before.

You felt bad for avoiding them and Yelena but you couldn't help but want to escape the embarrassment of sharing the details of what happened with James that night. Natasha and Wanda had been so concerned that night and it was no surprise that they wanted answers about how you arrived in a mess at their door, but how could you even begin to explain what had happened. So each time you saw their number or Yelena's lit up on your screen, you grappled with a churning stomach as you repeatedly ignored their calls. You hit rock bottom when you hid behind a corner, watching Yelena approach the library. You knew that running from your problems wasn't a solution, but you felt trapped in this vicious cycle, unsure of how to confront the consequences of your actions.

The days went by, and you found solace in the routine. You would rise before sunrise and head to the labs, not leaving until the area was cloaked in darkness and silence. You hurried back to the dorms, keeping your head low and once home, you would retreat under the covers, escaping from the outside world. However, you had deceived yourself into believing that your avoidance of the problem would remain effective indefinitely.

When you returned to your dorm one evening, it didn't come as a complete surprise to find Yelena leaning against your door. You halted in your tracks as your tired eyes locked onto her form as she pushed herself up from the ground.

"There you are, I've been waiting for what feels like forever," she huffed, brushing off her jeans. Her annoyance was evident when you remained silent. "Is your phone broken or something? I've been calling you for days."

You swallowed hard, searching for a plausible excuse for your behavior, but you had no good explanation and Yelena deserved more than a half-hearted lie.

"I... I-I've had a lot on my mind. I just needed some time to deal with some things," you offered vaguely, not revealing the whole truth but avoiding a direct lie.

Yelena furrowed her brows as you spoke, likely due to your inability to speak clearly when uncomfortable.

"Did something happen, or did I do something?" she scowled while closing the gap between you as you made no move towards your door.