Poems and Letters

Untitled Letter to Her (2) - August 27, 2023

My dearest _____, (Letter 2)

Hi ... I'm feeling terribly anxious. I don't know when you're supposed to get back from the cruise. I thought it was the 25th of August. I remembered you said it was only 10 days. Maybe I was just stupid. I'm really hoping you're alright and that you decide to talk with me like you promised. I'm sorry about my initial response when you first sent that message. I immediately started panicking. I still feel so anxious, nervous, and scared.

I'm scared of what you're going to tell me. I'm scared of my future. I'm most scared of our future. I cannot envision my life without you around. I know you've said the same thing in the past many times. It's the exact same feeling for me. I'm not sure what the point of this letter is, honestly. I'm just trying to get my feelings and thoughts on 'paper' while waiting for your return. I sent you flowers, but I don't know if you got them yet. I find that I keep looking every few seconds at Discord. I keep hoping – praying – that you come online and talk to me. The waiting is so terribly painful. I've talked to several people because I'm so scared. I wanted them to distract me. Maybe give advice. Maybe tell me it's all going to be okay in the end?

Listening to music doesn't help me. Playing games didn't really help me. Sitting alone didn't help me. I just keep looking and waiting. Secretly begging you to come back and talk. A huge part of me was – no, is at the time of writing this – praying that you're going to come back to me and tell me that you were simply depressed and that you really didn't mean it. I couldn't even be mad at you for it, even if I wanted to be, or even if it was the right emotion. I just need you. I need my girl. My fiancé. My lover. My partner. My _____...

I've stayed up so late every day and woke up even earlier because I didn't want to miss the moment you finally got back home. All this painful waiting has made me want to just disappear. All the stress has been building up so high. I even realized the constant twitching in my right eye I had for years was because of stress. I never had it the entire time we've been together.

Anyway, I'm dragging this letter on because I can't stand the waiting. I feel like my heart is a single pull from being taken from my chest. Part of me wishes it would be over and done with so I can know. To know if I have to return to the cold, terrifying loneliness and darkness I was in before I met you. To know that I will forever have to live my short life without the person I considered my lifelong partner.

I keep having thoughts that you might have gotten drunk while on the ship and cheated on me. Or that you found someone on the ship and did it. Or that you found someone over the past year and just never told me. I think that would probably kill me if it were the truth. Both myself and the people I've talked to don't think that's part of your reasoning, but the lack of any message has put me at the end of my sanity.

My dearest _____, I crave hearing your voice again. I crave getting to see you once more. I crave having all the moments together until the end of our lives. I'm in so much fucking pain and I don't know how to describe it. Please, just talk to me. Let everything go back to how it was before. My world is upside down and in pieces right now ... I love you so, so, so deeply.

Yours truly, Christopher

August 27, 2023 – 1:35am EST