Poems and Letters

Untitled Letter to Her - May 11, 2024

My dearest _________,

I'm not sure where to start with this one. It's been almost a year since you decided to destroy my world. I recall many different conversations we've had since then, and since I kept that door cracked open. I've still been doing everything in my power to get out of the military so that I can get my closure from you. Yet ... you told me that you completely forgot about meeting in Spain potentially. Somehow you thought it was still Turkey? I don't know how important it actually is to you to give me what I need to move on in life because I'm still so, so broken inside that I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel even still.

You've shared a secret with me, and that I won't repeat here, but I'm glad you still felt enough trust to do that. What hurts me so much is seeing how you're destroying yourself, yet seemingly forget or refused to have done anything to help me heal. I'm not sure where I'm going with this letter as I've got so, so many things on my mind. The cruise you started on earlier this month is apparently something that's supposed to last all of May, and you mentioned wanting to still chat during the cruise... but why do you not message at all if so? It's amazing to me how from my perspective you can say one thing and do the opposite so easily. How similar it was when you told me that you'll love me forever and that I'm your world, and that you'd do anything to be by my side. Yet, here I am like 8 months after my world was blown up wondering how you could simply ... do the opposite? What am I supposed to do with myself? How am I supposed to carry on?

I truly, really, still don't find any meaning in life. I'm getting a cat soon from an animal shelter to help with this oppressive depression. If I have an animal to take care of, at least then my life will have some semblance of meaning while its alive. At least, that's until I can't take it anymore or it dies. At which point, I'll be without meaning once more... At which point, I'll be ... without you.

My throat's tightening up as I write this because I see pictures of you and see how happy you are, and I'm wallowing in my own pain. I know you're feeling pain too. You've told me. You've shown me. My brain refuses to believe it to be true though because it looks like you're so easily able to carry on with your life.

God, how blessed I was to have been born on the same planet, to witness the same stars and breathe the same air as you. How grateful I was to even exist at the same moment in time as you. How whole I felt at your touch and even the simplest of your words.

Yours truly,

Christopher

May 11, 2024 22:49 (07:49 Your Time)