Poems and Letters

Untitled Letter to Her (4) - October 19-November 11, 2023

My dearest _____,

It's been about a month since I wrote one of these letters again. I'm writing this letter as a result of feeling very lost and in pain. We were supposed to talk after I got free 8 hours after my day started and you agreed, but then you were nowhere to be found at the time of this writing. I was going through a lot of pain over the past couple weeks. What felt like too much pain. Still, I continued to hang onto the single thread of hope that things might get better. After you came back to me and we started to normalize talking again, I noticed that I definitely felt a little better. Then again, there was still a massive depression and level of heartache I cannot properly describe.

That 3 hour video call we had made me feel much better while we talked, as we discussed so many things. The fact that you realized and acknowledged your behavior and just HOW bad it was and what it did to me gave a feeling I can't describe. Maybe ... a bitter happiness? You also recognized that talking to me more often was a way to maybe make up for how you treated me in the past, but that it probably won't do anything. You are/were definitely right about that. Yet, there was a sense of peace and comfort I got from that talk, and even all the other talks.

Right now my heart aches and I simply want to break down again and cry. My head hurts and I find myself glancing at Discord to see you pop online so we could talk again. Many from the outside would see me as a desperate man who wants to cling onto a dead relationship and is only giving himself false hope. Maybe that's true. Much of the weight and anxiety in my heart is that I feel like you're just leading me on with false hope.

It feels impossible to get rid of those thoughts, because you've been so forthcoming with me and wanting to talk more. I don't know what to do, or how to get rid of these feelings. I told you on a call a few days ago that you have all the power over "us", and that I am hanging on by 2 VERY thin threads of hope that everything will work out in the end ... My brain tells me you don't fully understand just how serious the situation is for me, but my heart tells me that you do – that you're weighing every option in your mind. After all, you told me how "There hasn't been a day without me thinking about us, you, your pain and your feelings" and "I'm thinking about us and my life with and without you". It means that you are truly fighting to figure out what you want.

My heart doesn't feel like it exists because of how unsure you became, and how conflicted your feelings grew. That confliction grew to the point that you felt the only option forward in your life was to absolutely rip out, step on, crush, and stab my heart a million times. Even thinking about that immediately brings me back to those moments and relive them to the point that my throat tightens and I can't breathe ...

~~Paused writing this at 10/19/2023 2:50pm (EST) because you said you messaged me and said you were free to talk~~

~~Continued writing on 11/11/2023 6:56pm (EST)~~

I guess a lot happened since we last talked such that I forgot. You told me a couple days ago that you decided to go to a therapist! I was genuinely proud of you for making such a positive decision. Honestly. If we were still together, I would've hugged you so tight and kissed the top of your head telling you how proud I was that you recognized that you also needed help.

Since I last continued this, you decided to go to Greece with me and to try and get a visa, which I was so happy about. Still, the thoughts in my mind were things like "is she only doing this because of a feeling of obligation? A feeling of fear? Because she feels forced to?". I didn't bring it up because I was so happy you told me "by the way I decided to join you in Greece". After paying for everything (I still need to give you the money for the visa fee as of writing this), we found out on Sunday (November 5th 2023) that you got denied for some stupid reasons.

The rejection on your face was very clear, as I'm sure it was obvious how dejected I was, too. Still, I brought up how there was the option to get a Tourist visa to the U.S. as well! You asked me "can I think about that?" – to which I told you "of course". You needed to think about potentially doing something big like that. I told you how I thought that was actually the best thing we could try to do because it would give you a sense of what it's like to live together, but you never replied to that message.

Anyway, I brought up Turkey still being an option, and you told me you needed to think about that too because you were unsure if you even wanted to meet. I accepted that of course. You had every right to think more... but then you came back 2 days ago and told me that because you decided to go to a therapist that you changed your mind. I made sure not to hide my feelings and to tell you how that made me feel.

Your day was good before I brought that topic up, so I definitely had to apologize for that. You also told me to stop apologizing because I couldn't possibly do anything wrong since "I don't even know what I want you to do". Still ... I'm trying not to feel like it's all my fault for this situation.

I sent you a very long message on November 9th, 2023 explaining my feelings more in-depth about your decision and that I didn't expect you to respond to my heart crying out. You didn't, but you did tell me that "I'll join you in Turkey". There was a brief moment of happiness, but I felt like you were still forcing yourself. I said that you should only join me if you wanted to, and that despite wanting to be selfish, I still really hated the idea of you forcing yourself and to take more time if you needed. You never replied to that either, so I have no idea what to think about that...

But hey, I reached out today to tell you I was thinking about you – which is something I'm always doing. You are always on my mind, you know? I keep wondering how you're feeling, how you're doing, and if you aren't reaching a breaking point soon. I'm so worried about your physical and mental health. This decision for your life CANNOT be easy, and it kills me that I can't help you make that decision easier ... I mean, I could, by telling you that I'm giving up, but I don't want to give up. I fucking love you and need you too much to let you go. Anyway, you let me know that you didn't have much to say, but that "I have a strong feeling that I just want to hug you tight" and that "I feel so sorry". You already know you have the means to make things better for me ... but would it make things better for you? I know that question is something you're wrestling with strongly.

I don't want to make this into a story, so I'll cut this letter here. I love you. I need you, and you are the starlight that allowed me to grow into the man I am today. I'm so honored you said "I love you, too!" when I first told you, and I was even more honored you said "of course!" to my proposal. Having you become my wife really was going to be the happiest moment in my life.

You made me whole. I can't imagine finding someone else to be with after you made me the person I am today. That thought makes me want to disappear. How cruel would it be to become such a better person in life because of the help, support, and care of someone so beautiful, lovely, and wonderful, only to turn around and give that goodness to someone else. I don't want to give that to someone else. I'd rather go back to my old self than give someone my better half.

_____ , I love you from the depths of my soul. The happiness on your face and excitement you showed when you talked about taking my last name actually made me so undeniably happy. I should've shown you that happiness more, and I hope you give me that opportunity by choosing "us" and me in the end.

Yours truly, Christopher

October 19, 2023 – Continued on November 11, 2023 18:56 (04:56 Your time)