My Dearest _____,
I'm desperate. Every time I think I'm okay or fine I see something connected with you. I saw that you unfollowed me on Twitch and even finally removed me as a moderator today (maybe you did it yesterday? 2 days ago? Probably after I started streaming a bit again ...). For some reason that really took me off guard and I'm feeling this cascade of things again.
It's too hard to not think about things in extremes. I keep trying to maintain composure. I keep trying to sustain myself in a healthy way. I don't know what the fuck to do. I feel like I need to talk to someone but I know it won't ease the pain. It won't ease the burden. It won't ease the hurt.
I also feel like I can't talk to anyone. I've already said the same things to people. Again. And again. I don't know what the fuck to do. Please ... I'm not begging you or asking you directly, I'm begging the universe to help me figure out how to cope and be better.
Why did seeing you unfollow me set me off? Why did seeing you finally take me off as a moderator hit so hard?
I asked myself those questions immediately after. The answer? "Removing you from her life so she hurts less". It's the same thing I did to you, so why do I feel it's even more painful when you do the same thing? Is that hypocritical? Or is it unfair? I don't know. I don't understand. I'm trying to rationalize my thoughts right now but it's not happening.
Tears are streaming down my face as I write this. Will you ever even see these letters? I don't know. It's not like you are even responding to me on Telegram anymore despite all the conversations we had ... Fuck. Why won't my mental state get better??? Did I really care that much about our relationship?
What do I do? What can I do?
How do I stop this pain without you?
I feel like I'm slowly losing my fucking mind again. All the other things going on with college, the military, and all of it are just taking a terribly heavy toll on me. I really, truly am having trouble. I haven't even been able to start therapy. That probably hasn't helped. It's not even my fault. It's because it's on the government's schedule.
Why can't I get over you? Why can't I find the way forward? Why does it seem like you are carrying on so easily? I know I wanted to stay away from you to keep my own mental state ... BUT IT'S NOT WORKING.
Staying away? Doesn't help.
Talking to you? Only somewhat helps.
I keep ... trying? Knowing you don't even follow me anymore means that I really don't have to worry about you seeing these letters or anything I write on stream. Fuck, I only know you're alive through a mutual acquaintance after the shootings in Moscow.
I just need someone to hug me. I really need a shoulder to cry on. I need something. I need my closure. I need to be done with this. I ... Why did I let myself feel things for you? Why did I let myself be so vulnerable???
... I know this is just me ranting .... or venting ... or I don't know. I just feel ... destitute. Hopeless. It's all coming full-circle and I'm feeling the pain even more heavily than before. I even reached out to Roy because I feel myself slipping.
Yours truly,
Christopher
March 24, 2024 23:37 (09:37 your time)
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Poems and Letters
RandomWords from my heart - a heart that was destroyed, and is a heart I didn't even know I had until it was too late. Poems and letters of hope, trust, love, despair... Everything posted is sorted by when I made it, not by when I posted it. The cover wa...
