Poems and Letters

Lay My Thoughts Bare - 03/20/2024

This is less of a letter to you, my dearest, and more of my thoughts and feelings being laid bare - as bare as the day I opened my heart to tell you I loved you. In order to make this somewhat understandable to myself in the future, and to anyone who might read this ... I think I'll set this up as a conversation I'm having with myself. These will be the thoughts coming to mind and the feelings direct - as in this will be me talking with my Inner Self. The format will be thus:

Me:

IS (Inner Self):

Any thoughts had as "Me" are what I am thinking at the moment, and all the IS (Inner Self) responses are what my subconscious sprouts forward, so it might not make sense since this is ending up just as a peek into my brain... Not that I think anyone gives a shit.

IS: Why do you need to drink now?

Me: Because I've tried to deal with the pain without it. It's becoming too difficult.

IS: Again?

Me: Again.

IS: Have you tried talking with people? I know you have, but still.

Me: Of course I have. I've talked with my mother, with my sister, with my brother, with friends ... I've even talked with my biological father.

IS: Even with your father?

Me: Yes.

IS: Why?

Me: Because after my mental break in January, I thought he could at least deserve to know that I was about to kill myself. I don't know. It's just that I wanted to grasp at something - anything.

IS: Can't you just turn off those thoughts like you used to?

Me: How do you mean?

IS: In the past, you could just easily turn off your emotions and get over things that bothered you. It was never a problem back then.

Me: Well...

IS: Well?

Me: I tried. I keep trying. I keep doing everything I think possible to forget her and to move on with my life.

IS: Why do you want to forget her?

Me: Because my heart is in too much pain. Why are you even asking this if you already know? You're me.

IS: Because I'm the part of you that questions everything. The logical part. I simply want to know everything going on with you.

Me: What's the point in that?

IS: Maybe it'll help you find a way. Haven't you asked yourself this question already?

Me: You know I have - I just looked at the picture of her - the favorite one I let her know was the one I loved the most.

IS: The one she sent you in a framed photo?

Me: Yes. I see that beautiful smile and immediately get flashes of how happy both of us were despite the distance we faced.

IS: Don't you have an exam tomorrow?

Me: Yes. I really should study for it. Instead, I'm drinking while thinking to myself and streaming this rambling.

IS: Because you hope for something?

Me: Maybe I hope she can see it.

IS: But you banned her from your Twitch, right?

Me: I did.

IS: How can she watch, then?

Me: You already know the answer to that.