Poems and Letters

Untitled Letter to Her - April 7, 2024

My dearest ________,

Why am I still here? Why do I hope for anything to change? Not a day goes by where I try not to forget you, your smile, your care, your love ... not a day goes by where I don't try to forget...

But I can't. I cannot forget. I cannot move on. I feel as though I cannot deal with this pain. Every day it builds, and every day I push it under. I thought that maybe we could figure out a resolution - for getting the ring and jacket back, and for giving me closure... You yourself admitted that I deserved closure and even regretted not meeting me when the opportunity was there.

Now here I am, torn asunder. Was that all a lie? Were you only telling me those things to placate me? I know I was a shitty partner in the end no matter how much to told me I wasn't. No matter how many times you tell me that it was you and not me, my heart continued to break. Why else would such a person filled with love and admiration suddenly change her harmonious tune into one of anguish and despair?

My heart, it continues to break every. fucking. moment. Every single time I'm alone, my mind wanders back to you. It wanders to the future that we were going to have. It wanders to the lost time... it wanders ... to a life lost.

My dearest, ________, is this some kind of divine punishment for you to have done this? Is this some ... sick joke from the universe to teach me a lesson? You were my world. You still ARE my world. I've written so many letters but I know you'll probably never see them. I'm trying really really hard but it genuinely feels impossible. It's been over 6 months now since you told me you wanted to leave me and yet even now it's like a stake has been run through my heart. It's as though yesterday you told me in that soft, beautiful voice of yours with that ever so caring smile that you loved me.

What do I do? I'm so lost. I've said it before and I'll say it again, but I didn't know that I needed the kind of love and care you showed me until, well, you showed it to me. I was in darkness for so long and assumed that was it - that this would be life. It's all I knew, so how could I have been any happier than that?

I tried to get rid of 4 years worth of memories - of photos, videos, conversations, everything...

But I can't. I've seen you periodically, and you look so happy. Have you finally figured out how to move on? Can you please give that power to me? Please? I'm begging for reprieve. I'm begging for help. Hell, even as I write this, I'm just streaming it. Why? There's no fucking point to this. Maybe it's for posterity's sake. Maybe it's so that there's evidence I was here. Evidence that my feelings were real.

Is there any way through this? If there's something I can do to - if not fix this shattered heart of mine, then to at least mend it - where can I find this? People have told me therapy is something I need - and yet I'm still waiting to even see someone. I was supposed to start on this past Friday but got a call telling me that it had to be shifted even more to the right. I've gone this long without it, so what good would it do now?

I don't see a way out of this darkness that I've been thrown back into. I knew what loneliness was like before you. I knew what an empty life was like. What fucking help could a therapist offer me that your unconditional love couldn't?

Then again ... I guess your love was conditional in the end. I failed to meet you more often, maybe? I failed to live in a country with a faster visa process? Was it that I was just not a good person?

Rationalizing this situation has proved to be impossible in my mind no matter how many times people have pointed things out. I just can't fucking wrap my mind. I truly, truly believe that getting the closure I never got would allow me to move on. The military has made it that much harder, but now you ignore me. I probably deserve such treatment, especially since everything regarding us makes you feel ... sad? Depressed?

You clearly weren't taking the situation lightly as was clear in conversations over a month ago, but yet it looks as though you've already largely found the way to move on. It's hard not to immediately go to the extremes of thoughts with how negative my mind is perceiving everything. Maybe it's not actually such a big deal?

Fuck do I know except that my feelings are overtaking my ability to think logically. I need a caring hand to reach out to me. I need the support you showed me. I need the support I had when Rod died ---- because that really, REALLY fucking helped me stay sane and cope with the loss of a parent. Losing you - my partner, my lover, my best friend, my companion, my star - it not only reopened that wound but feels like it tore me in half.

How do I stop being lost? How do I navigate this darkness after having 4 years of blissful light? Even despite any problems we faced, I was always happy having you even a phone call away. It felt ... right.

Now, my heart continues to shatter into smaller and smaller fragments. I am terrified that eventually those pieces will become smaller than sand. Smaller than dust. I am terrified that those pieces will be so small that they disappear from existence. Hell, it already feels like that reality is rapidly approaching day by day that I can't get this closure and resolution.

What's the point in living if I can't love again? Or if I can't let myself love in a similar way that I love you? I opened the doors to my heart - my soul - to you ... and you refused to give us a chance in the end. How can I ever justify doing that with anyone else again after having my heart pulled from my chest, thrown on the ground, stepped on, and stabbed a million times? How can I justify living a life that isn't true to who I know I am? Baring my feelings, thoughts, and everything else before you allowed me to feel like a human. Like I was seen, appreciated, and loved in the way I never knew I needed.

Fuck. I don't think I can get over this without having that closure. It's either that, or I might actually find myself in an early grave, and that's something I find that I care less and less about happening as time drags on. Before, I was terrified. Now? I don't nearly care as much. Remember when I said "who knows what the future holds"? ... well, who knows how much longer my heart can hold out before it decides to make a decision my brain can't control.

Feelings fucking suck. I wanna say I regret ever coming to love you. I wanna say I regret ever opening my heart to you. I wanna say I hate you...

But I can't. I can't regret or hate the person who brought me into the happiest I've ever been in life even if we weren't able to meet more often. This has gone on for too long and I don't know how to get past it.

Yours truly,

Christopher

April 7, 2024 02:33 (11:33 Your Time)