Poems and Letters

Untitled Letter to Her (6) - February 27, 2024

My dearest _______,

It's been a month since I've written one of these. I don't really check what I wrote in the previous ones since they're just my thoughts and feelings at that time. I suppose that means they don't really matter much anymore?

Anyway, I felt like writing this letter to you today because I had a very light sense of comfort that you were wanting to chat with me throughout the past month. We even had a call in which we talked about the fact that I'm changing my life's course just so that we could meet again - primarily to give my closure. Hell, you even said that meeting again would be so that you can confirm your own feelings because you think deep down you hope something will change.

I'm an overthinker and so are you, so my mind can't help but wander and race at the fact that you were so forthcoming with chatting with me throughout the month only to very suddenly stop (and leave me on read) after you went to that belated New Years party with the ship crew. It made me wonder if something happened - to which I decided to ask. It's been almost a week since you went there, and you even got the flowers I sent a long time ago for our engagement anniversary. At the very least, you told me you got them, so that means it wasn't a waste.

I'm also sure that I'm not handling the situation as well as I could, but I certainly feel that having you talk and chat with me probably made me feel some kind of hope, but I've been killing it as much as possible. Stamping it out like the embers of a lingering fire.

You previously told me that you wore the ring since the day I asked you to return it. I happened to look at your stream from a day ago or so and saw that you didn't have it on. That's probably a sign of some kind. Maybe I should just accept the risk to have you mail it to me in the end. Maybe, despite the embassy saying "here's how to move forward", and you wondering if you should take a chance, if I should simply close this door right now. It's a tough position I'm in, because I gave you so much of the best of my life, and you uplifted me. Made me a better person. Made me WANT to be a better person - for you.

I think at this point I'm just rambling with anxiety because I've sent a few messages now (one I had to edit because it came off like I was mad, which I wasn't) and you've left me on read. That's unalike you, so I can't help but think something happened. You did get beyond wasted at that party, apparently.

Well, whatever. I don't even know why I'm still around at this point. The medication can only help so much. I'm still here, so that counts for something ... I guess.

Yours truly,

Christopher

February 27, 2024 15:00 (01:00 your time)