Dregs

i am not a girl anymore.

tw: ed, sh, bdd, ocd reference

i am not a girl anymore.

i'm a bruise that i noticed one day and i don't know how it got there.

i'm a bruise that i don't know how to not push on.

i'm a bruise that turns all sorts of colors and never quite seems to heal.

i'm a bruise that shows the first step of my decay after someone dropped me, of my rot and mold.

i'm a bruise that i've waited for to heal for far too long.

i am not a girl anymore.

i'm the negative spaces on a piece of paper between the scratches of black ink.

i'm the negative spaces between the streams of scalding shower water as i create my own miniature hell.

i'm the negative spaces between the neat old lines that make my left wrist an art piece of scars long since faded.

i'm the negative spaces between my frame and the clothes that used to fit perfectly.

i'm the negative spaces of the parts of me that aren't trapped by the walls of the rabbithole.

i'm not a girl anymore.

i'm a number on a bathroom scale as i'm staring down past my feet in horror.

i'm a number that floats on my mind as i claw through each day, trying to drag myself out.

i'm a number that i see on my plate as i slowly pick up my fork.

i'm a number that chains me to the sidewalk cracks and notebook paper.

i'm a number that keeps adding and never seems to get any smaller.

i'm not a girl anymore.

i'm jumbled words on a google doc when i know i need to go to bed.

i'm jumbled words that fall out of my mouth like rain in a thunderstorm at midnight.

i'm jumbled words before my eyes that i have to read a few times before i completely register.

i'm jumbled words that form a whirlpool in my mind, a charybdis of my own accord.

i'm jumbled words that hide behind my teeth, too afraid to make it past my lips and utter the barest bit of the word "help".

i'm a bruise,

i'm negative spaces,

i'm a number,

i'm jumbled words,

but i swear to god i'm trying to be a girl again.