No Control (Book 1)

57. You and I

I plunged straight in.

"From the minute we met I felt like I was just in the right place at the right time with you. Like if it hadn't been me at that party it would have been somebody else that ended up in your bed that night." He opened his mouth to speak but I held my hand up to silence him. "Let me get this out Harry, before I bottle it." Harry closed his mouth and nodded.

"You don't understand what it's like to have had this crush on you for so long, to have read stuff about you in magazines, seen you in concert, had your picture on my laptop screen... and then all of a sudden you're part of my life like this normal person. I felt like I'd known you for years, yet we'd only just met and you knew nothing about me. I tried not to have this perception of you, but it's hard to forget everything you've read - good and bad."

Harry's gaze was fixed upon me, his expression serious. I took another deep breath and continued. 

"I couldn't believe someone as gorgeous and incredible as you would be interested in me. You date stick-thin models and famous singers. I'm just Jess. I'm no one special. I don't even have a thigh gap. I've had this inferiority complex the whole way through and that's why I'm always so quick to jump to the wrong conclusions about you. It's because deep down I think it's only a matter of time before you get bored of me, so every time the media says you've found someone else it comes as no surprise. I can't help it. It's just the way I think."

Harry leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees and his chin on his palm. He didn't say anything but waited for me to carry on. 

"I'm sorry I didn't believe you about Taylor Swift. I'm sorry I left LA without giving you a proper chance to explain everything. That wasn't fair. I was just so shocked when that pap blurted it out, and I felt so stupid. I felt like you'd been playing me all along, and I should have seen it coming. I was so hurt, I had to get away so you wouldn't see."

Now I'd started, I couldn't stop the words tumbling out of my mouth. It was like Harry was hypnotising me with those green eyes. 

"I didn't mean what I said about it just being a bit of fun, and I didn't use you to meet the rest of One Direction. It's been way more than that for me and it terrifies me how quickly I got in so deep. I'm sorry I asked you to stop calling me the other week. I thought I'd be better off without you in my life but I was wrong. I'm not, and I'm sorry that I ever thought I would be. I shouldn't have given you shit over that Joy Muggli girl. I still can't believe you publicly denied it, twice. I understand how much of a big deal it was for you to do that, and I'm so sorry I threw it back in your face and ended things." 

I swallowed a lump in my throat at the memory of that wretched conversation.

"I'm also sorry for the way I acted today when I saw you with your sister. I swear I didn't know it was her, Harry. Callie saw you first and said you were with a girl and I just panicked. I couldn't bear to see you with someone else and my instinct was to show you I'd moved on as well, even though I hadn't. I shouldn't have kissed Gary like that. I hurt him as well as you. I know I have massively, massively fucked this up and to be honest I can't believe you're even here right now. But please believe me when I say I am so glad you are. Even though I know I don't deserve you."

I exhaled loudly, feeling like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders. But I still hadn't quite finished. 

"And as I'm being completely honest, I need to tell you you massively pissed me off when you told me to stop winding Louis up on Twitter. I was a Directioner long before I met you, and I'm not going to stop being a fan. I would have tweeted Louis and Zayn whether I knew you or not, and I don't appreciate being told how to behave. But you need to understand I didn't do it to cause trouble. I did it because I thought Zayn was out of order and Louis needed defending. And several million fans agreed with me. And... and I'm not saying you were, but if you were jealous that I tweeted Louis you have absolutely no need to be. You haven't left my thoughts since the minute I walked into the departure lounge at LAX. In fact, no - you haven't left my thoughts since you dropped me home after we first spent the night together, and not because you're Harry Styles from One Direction. But because you are just Harry. Harry whose wink makes my knees go weak, Harry whose kisses make my heart pound and Harry whose face makes me forget my own name. And if you don't want to be with me after hearing all that then I understand, but at least now you know the truth."