Leaving Laurabelle Falls

Chapter 15

I sat on the bottom of the shower. I could stand for long enough to clean myself now, but I didn't feel like it. The warm tile beneath me felt comforting, like a hug. It had been a couple of months since I'd had a really good hug.

The water pelted onto my back, and ran down into the drain in soft rivets. I closed my eyes, breathing in the scent of shampoo and bodywash. I breathed, forced my awareness inwards, and tried to see beyond it all.

I thought of Clyde. I thought of Deacon, and Bethany. I thought of the memories that were still tugging at the corners of my mind, the ones from my childhood in Laurabelle Falls. I thought of my connection with the Goddess, and tried to move my energy upwards, out of myself, reaching out to the stars. I thought of my ears, imagined the right tips were there, and tried to connect to whatever it was within me that could create the spark of magic.

I imagined all of that; felt my energy thrumming, tried to push it through my body and outwards. I pictured a portal opening in front of me, and concentrated on what it would feel like to take a step forward and have the soft green grass of Laurabelle Falls between my toes.

When I opened my eyes, I still saw the white of the shower.

"Honey?" My mom rapped against the door, her voice wavering. "Are you doing okay in there? It's been awhile."

Half of me didn't want to respond. But I also didn't want my mother barging in on me naked in the shower, either.

"I'm doing fine, Mom." I shouted back. I rocked back and forth in the spray, letting the mist cloud around me.

Why couldn't I see anything but the matrix? What was stopping me from peeling back the veil of reality, from seeing the inner workings of our fabricated lives?

They had said that I could do it, if I really tried. That I would be able to return. That it wouldn't take long, I just had to have faith.

Tears began to spring to my eyes, the saltwater indistinguishable from the shower water pelting down from above. I started to shake, even though I was completely warm.

This was it.

Midterms were tomorrow, and I was all but failing every class. My mother was going to kill me, and she was going to be able to, because I couldn't find my way back yet. I was supposed to be able to do it by now.

"Are you going to come out any time soon?" She questioned.

"I'll be out in a minute." I shouted. It came out nasal-y. A thick bubble of saliva popped before the words actually came out of my mouth, and I breathed in a little too fast afterwards, choking on it. A couple of coughs later, and I finally heard my mom leaving the door.

I was shaking, I was sobbing silently. Everything was starting to feel too real again. My school, my class, my grades. Bethany Lawless had started a new season, showing that they had been working on it over the summer. Showing that there had been no magical shift to Laurabelle Falls for Bethany and Deacon.

I put my head between my knees and forced myself to breathe, relegating my cries to small spasms of my diaphragm. It hurt, but not worse than telling my mom would. It hurt, but not as bad as the full-body sobs I knew would burst out of me like the ocean unleashed if I let them.

I cried until it didn't feel like I had anything left. The only emotion was the physical ache; all else was empty.

The water started to get room temperature. Then, it started to bite my skin. I reached up, forcing myself to shift onto my knees to turn it off. I let the water drip off of my body for a few moments, letting the chill in the air replace the emptiness.