My Deepest Scar (A Tragic Teenage Love)

Ch.3 - Denial

Days passed by like a summer breeze. New school, new people, new teachers and a heavier syllabus... but none of this seemed to matter compared to a potential crush lingering around. I might've been excited at first, but then fear started to creep into my newly found euphoria. Too many what-ifs that almost made me insane. 

Sure, I stayed without watching any k-dramas. I listened to classes sincerely and made proper notes. But I couldn't shake the hold he had on me. At first, I thought it was just a harmless attraction which will pass by. But what-if it grows and fucks me up? I need to put a stop to this before it becomes too big to handle. I cannot afford distractions when I'm just 4 years away from my dream. I don't want to disappoint my parents again. A part of me dies every time I see disappointment and betrayal in their eyes. I can't bear to see it again.

But when it comes to him I tend to act on instinct. Every time we have a class together - no matter how insignificant the class is - I search for him. As soon as I join the meeting, I check if he joined too. I don't even know why I do that, it just automatically happens. Instinct? Reflex? Involuntary action? I have no clue. I hate biology anyway.

So I came up with a stupid plan to cut the roots of my potential crush. My brain is currently pissed at me for thinking that but even it knows I need to do this. I need a distraction from this situation. I need to stop thinking about him 24/7. 

If I watch k-dramas all time then I won't need to think about him. Maybe I can only watch during lighter classes, during breaks, whenever my parents are not home. That way, I can redirect my focus. Of course I can try to focus on studies but the syllabus is too easy so I don't have to put much efforts to understand the concepts. I obviously need a stronger distraction, which would occupy my mind whenever I am not studying. 

I know this is risky but I managed to top my class even after watching c-dramas whole year. K-dramas won't affect my performance significantly and this crush might do - if it manifests. I would do anything to prevent myself from falling in love again. Anything. I have enough trauma when it comes to dating and relationships and I have no intention to add more to the list. The only relationships I should trust at this point is with fictional characters - the purest and safest. 

After hours of fidgeting and sulking, I put my plan into action. I looked up some random and famous k-dramas and started watching them. And it helped - the sweet, handsome men in k-dramas were helpful in taking my mind away from Rohan Rajvansh. But the involuntary shudder whenever I utter his name still persists and I ignore it. 

Overthinking it will only lead to worser consequences. 

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Months passed. 

I was now back into my k-drama addiction. Do I regret it? Nope. I thought less and less about him and more about the sweet love stories I watch every day. 

I had always been a sucker for love stories. If a couple is in love, it warms my heart to see them together. It makes me happy seeing them happy. Similarly, if a love has tragic ending it literally breaks my heart. After watching Moon Lovers I realized that I can never handle sad endings. I still went ahead and tried Hotel Del Luna and I cried worser than I cried for Moon Lovers. What's with IU and sad ending dramas? I hate crying. 

So I safely sticked to happy ending k-dramas alone. 

But the best part of it was having a k-drama bestie. Me and Varnika were besties ever since primary school. She was the only person who was there for me all the time and she still is. She is my first true best friend and I always hoped I never lose her. Due to me switching schools, we grew apart a bit but then we reconnected on Instagram. We catched up on everything we missed during the covid lockdown, recommended k-dramas to each other, shared reels and so on.