My Deepest Scar (A Tragic Teenage Love)

Ch. 5 - Away from Home

I spent the entirety of October trying to figure out my feelings. It would've been easy if what I felt for Rohan was some childish, teenage crush. But the intensity of it proves otherwise. I've had my fair share of crushes - both fictional and real - which should've made this easier to figure out. But none of them compare to what I'm feeling for Rohan.

All of my previous crushes and boyfriends were kind to me so I liked them. My celebrity crushes? Their characters were too good to be true. I was never the kind of girl to like someone just by the looks - I always needed a kind of emotional connection and friendship to like someone.

So why is it that I'm feeling this much for Rohan when I don't know anything about him except his name? There is no emotional connection, no friendship and I don't even know what kind of guy he is. But I feel like I'll like him irrespective of his character or attitude. And he isn't even THAT good looking for this feeling to be lust.(C'mon I stan Robert Pattinson and BTS my taste in looks is obviously otherworldly)

Rohan is.... average-looking for an Indian guy, tall, lean and obviously the opposite of my ideal type. I've always liked guys with a little bit of muscle, broad shoulders, thick thighs, 6'2+ and greek-god like body & looks so why the fuck am I attracted to a guy who is not even my type?

I could very well blame this on my hormones but the twist is I look at and think about Rohan all the goddamn time. It feels like no other guy exists whenever he is nearby. And when he is out of my vicinity, I have this uncontrollable urge to look for him, go near him and just... look at him. When the fuck did I become a puppy?

Being confused about Rohan and completing all the pending works were my only hobbies in October. Not to mention, I also had to pack my stuff since normal school was about to start next month and my house to too far from school for transport. I'd be staying with my aunt till this academic year ends until my parents figure out the 'lack of hostel' situation. The only reason I joined this school was because they promised they'd provide hostel facilities from next year. But since this was an emerging school, they took back their word ever-so-easily.

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November arrived like any other month - the only difference being 'compulsory offline school'. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't excited and I know I was excited for all the wrong reasons. I should be excited about the new school, new atmosphere, new friends, new teachers but all I thought about was Rohan Rajvansh. Just saying his name in my mind did weird stuff to me.

I came to live with my aunt and her family. My grandparents would also be here on-and-off. While I don't really mind the changes, I do know I'd be more comfortable living with my parents. Missing is a big word... I don't think I've ever missed anyone in my life before. I'd never known the feeling of longing, yearning or missing my entire life. But a voice in me said I'd feel all those and more with Rohan but I shut it up. If I really had a crush on Rohan, I'd do my best to get over it. I would not fall in love with him no matter what. Or so I thought.

The children's day celebration - which was supposed to happen in school was conducted online thanks to covid being covid and my class teacher told all 20 of us had to do something. I chose to sing - I'd sung on stage only once before and it ended up a big failure because I forgot the lyrics (You can imagine how much I drag myself into embarrassing situations). However I was smarter this time - since it was online I could have the lyrics right beside me.

Nevertheless, I was nervous. A small part of it was because I didn't want to embarrass myself in front of my new classmates and but the most of it was because I didn't know what Rohan would think of me. I chose a Korean song - Epiphany by Jin - to sing. One, because it was BTS and I love them. Two, because it was one among the very few decent, meaningful songs I knew. I had no idea if Rohan knew BTS but I just hoped he wasn't a hater of them - it'd be a huge turn-off. On a second thought, if he actually hated BTS then I could use it as a reason to not like him.