Phanfiction

I'll keep you safe

Authors note: *trigger warning (possibly, I'm not sure)* *Mild language*

Now I know everyone thinks that I'm somewhat the weak one out of me and Phil, when it comes to emotions and existential crises and suck like, and to some extent I am. However no one knows what goes on behind closed doors. The public only see us as we want them to see us, on our good days. Only a small amount of people know how bad it gets for Phil sometimes. So far we've been lucky that our bad days haven't coincided with each other as if they did I don't think I would be able to help him. Me and Phil are similar in that fact that we both have existential crises, although the difference is that I question the existence of human life in general whereas Phil...Phil tends to question his own existence. Most of the time Phil is actually like he is on camera: full of life and happiness! But everyone has bad days...Phil's just seem to be particularly bad... 

Usually I can tell right from the start that Phil is having a bad day from the fact that he won't get up until after midday (if he gets up at all). Today is one of those days, I hope I'm prepared enough.

I knock on his bedroom door and then slowly open it "Phil?" at first I thought he wasn't there but then I spot the dark Phil shape curled up in the corner of the room. Now, dealing with Phil on a bad day can be a very precarious task because he's so fragile that one wrong move could break him. If it's just a generic bad day then he'll usually just lie in bed and mumble to himself, however if it's a day like today then it's much worse...

Okay, so when Phil was younger he was always bullied for being different, as was I, but from the stories I've heard from his mum, Phil had it a lot worse than I did! It pains me to think that at one point it got so bad that he...no I can't even think about it... Obviously he was unsuccessful and for a year and a half he was very on edge and jumpy. This all happened 6 years before we met and according to him and his mum, it was the best thing that had happened to him in a very long time. As the years have gone past the amount of Phil's bad days has subsided although recently the actual days have been getting worse and I'm starting to worry.

"Phil, do you want anything to eat?" I ask as I carefully shut the door "No. There's no point in wasting food on me. You need to have something though." even though he must be feeling like shit he is always still caring towards me, that's why I love him. Although he doesn't know that...

"I've already had something to eat." I reply sitting cross-legged in front of him "Do you want to talk about anything?" I inquire, trying to get him to look at me -  another thing with a day like this is that it's completely unpredictable! Some days he'll completely isolate himself and not say a word, other says he kind of just overflows with emotions, and sometimes it's neither of those - He nods and I move to sit next to him; I'm always glad when he wants to talk, it's so much better than bottling it all up. He leans against me and to be more comfortable I place my arm around his shoulders "What's up Phil?" I ask gently and his answer is so quiet that I almost miss it "hate comments.." He gestures to his laptop on the bed and I stand up to fetch it. I return to my spot and open the laptop, the page instantly appears on the screen and I scroll down until I find what he mentioned; my eyes skim over some of them and I'm horrified at how harsh they are:

'You're such a freak!'

'You're so ugly, how can you live with yourself?!' 

'You have no talent! Why don't you just kill yourself?!'

I quickly shut the laptop and set it aside, then I turn to Phil whose eyes have already clouded with tears "Oh Phil.." I utter, embracing him in a hopefully comforting hug. He sobs into my chest, his tears creating a damp spot on my t-shirt but I don't care. How could anyone say that?! I know there are people out there who feel powerful on the internet and put others down to feel better about themselves but don't they think?! Don't they fucking think about the people on the receiving end of their torments?! 

We sit here and talk for the next three and a half hours about so many things that I've lost count! How can one person have so many troubles? More importantly, why does he? He's gorgeous and funny and adorable and talented and sexy and so, so important!Especially to me...I just wish I had the courage to tell him... "Are you feeling any better?" I question but he just shakes his head "No, but thank you" I give him one last hug and then stand up "is it okay if I just nip to the shop?" I ask "yeah" he replies quietly "Okay, I won't be more than half an hour" "Okay"

I leave the room, grab my keys, phone and wallet and then go. Twenty minutes later I return "Phil I'm back!" I announce putting my keys down. I walk to the kitchen and place the bag down on the counter then I make my way to Phil's room. Just like before, I knock and then slowly open the door to find that this time he actually isn't there...

"Phil?" I call, no answer. I start walking to the living room to see if he's there when I hear sobbing coming from upstairs, I race up the stairs - the noise is coming from the bathroom. I try opening the door - it's locked. "Phil?!" I ask loudly, no answer. Something's not right! "Phil, open the door!" Panic washes over me, what's wrong? What's going on?! "Phil please open the door!" I plea desperately and then I hear the lock slide open. I rush inside to find a scene that I don't think I'll ever be able to unseen and I hope I never see again! Phil is sat on the floor with his back against the bath, some type of blade in his hand and dozens of cuts strewn across his arms, oozing with blood...

"Oh god Phil.." I gasp raising my hand to my mouth in shock. Tears stream down his face, I try to compose myself, I didn't know it had gotten this bad! "Phil...give me the blade.." I say cautiously as I kneel in front of him. He hands me the blade and I place it in the sink for now - I'll figure out what to do with it later. "Phil why didn't you say anything?" I question, biting my lip to keep back the tears. "Because no one cares...no one cares about me! No one would care if I was gone!" He exclaims as tears cascade down his gorgeous face. "I would care!" I protest and he just shakes his head "I would Phil! I would fucking care if you died!" I can't hold back any longer, I let the tears fall down my cheeks "Phil you're my best friend...I would be lost without you.." I utter taking his hands in mine, this is it...

"Phil, you are amazing! You're funny and talented and clever and adorable and gorgeous and sexy and strong...and...and even though you don't believe me I will willingly devote my whole life to making sure that you are safe and happy and that it never comes this far again." I gesture to his arms and he finally looks up at me; by this stage his blood has run onto my hands but I just look him in the eye and tell him "Phil, I love you. Please don't leave.." I trail off, unable to speak as I start to sob, I know that I'm supposed to be there for him today but I can't help it. I'm suddenly caught off guard as Phil leans forward and presses his lips against mine. We pull apart and he rests his forehead against mine "I love you too Dan...I was just too afraid to admit it before...I was scared of what people would think me..." I take a deep breath, the my tears have subsided now. He closes his eyes, I lean up to kiss his forehead and the whisper to him "You don't have to be afraid anymore Phil. I'm here, I'll protect you. You're safe with me."