Empires SMP oneshots

Most expensive party

           Sometimes couples can be the cutest things ever. Other times they are at each other's throats for the weirdest reasons possible. King Joel and Ocean Queen Lizzie are happily married and love each other dearly despite Lizzie being a fish goddess and Joel being a short mortal but right now they were in a situation that no one even knew how they got into.

            "I spend more money than you!"

            "No, I spend the most money between us!"

           "Fat chance, Lizzie, who do you think bought the flying car?!"

           "Which one of us here sits on a throne of pearls?!"

           "Who has a crown made of solid gold?!"

           "Who do you think has a palace made of prismarine and quartz?!"

           "Who has the tallest mega base among the empires?!"

           "Who has to keep paying for Jimmy's messes?!"

           "Both of us!"

           "Hey, Joel, can I buy some- what is going on?" Scott asked dumbfoundedly as he walked into the room only to find Lizzie and Joel screaming at each other about which of them spent more. Scott turned to see Jimmy sitting down by them shoveling popcorn in his mouth.

           "Jimmy, what happened?" Scott asked, sitting down next to him and watching Lizzie and Joel continue to argue. "I don't know." Jimmy said, observing the drama. Who needed television when he had this? "Somehow one of them thought that they spent more than the other and the other objected. I think it was Lizzie. And now this happened. Care for some popcorn?"

           The Codfather offered the elf his bag of popcorn and Scott accepted it, popping a few into his mouth and chewing as he watched one of Lizzie and Joel's many humorous and illogical domestic squabbles. The popcorn tasted weird and funny. Scott frowned. He didn't feel like he should be eating it. "Jimmy, who made this popcorn?" He asked.

           "Me and Lizzie." Jimmy said, continuing to eat. "So... what did you put in it?" Scott asked rather cautiously. "Corn." Jimmy said. "...And what did you flavor it with?" Scott asked. "Codfish." Jimmy replied without skipping a beat. Scott slowly turned to stare at him. "But you're the Codfather." He said blankly. "Yeah, but don't worry. Cod are cannibalistic fish." Jimmy said, just as Lizzie threw a fit.

           "Okay, that's it, Joel! You've crossed the line and now I must make a bet! I will host a party in the ocean empire next week and it will be the most expensive party in the history of parties! If not I pay you three stacks of diamonds!" She shouted, angrily flicking her axolotl tail. Jimmy gasped. "But Lizzie," He stuttered, "We don't have ten stacks of diamonds!"

           "We will when Joel loses the bet." Lizzie said confidently. Joel snorted. "Except you're going to get yourself indebted to me, because I won't lose. I'll make my own party that will be more expensive than yours and we'll see who gets the ten stacks."

           "You go first, Joel." Lizzie said. "Yeah, you go first, Joel." Scott said. "I want to see what Lizzie's cooking. And it had better not be codfish." "Oh, no, I would never eat cod." Lizzie said as she and Joel shook to seal the deal. "At least not on Tuesdays."

           Scott probably should have expected an answer like that from a literal axolotl queen. "Okay, so Joel's making the most expensive party next week?" Jimmy asked, his addled brain seemingly only getting the word 'party' from the whole wacky conversation. "Yup!" Lizzie and Joel both grinned.

           A week later Joel invited all of the emperors to Mezalea for a surprise party. No one figured out whose birthday it was. But at any rate, it seemed liked the Mezalean king had not pulled back on any expenses; the whole thing was even more over extravagant than normal.

           Every cup was made of pure gold and studded with multiple precious and costly gems, the tablecloths were knitted out of wool from the most expensive sheep breed to ever exist and dyed with the most difficult dyes to ever obtain, the decorative shrubbery consisted of the rarest exotic mesa plants that only seemed to grow around Mezalea, and so on.

           "So, Lizzie," Joel said, smirking, "How do you feel about your chances?" Lizzie continued to grim confidently. "Oh, this is only half of what the ocean empire can do." She boasted flippantly. "Now show me your checkbook so I can see how much you spent on all this." Joel passed it to her and she glamced at it up and down. By the time she was done she was a few shades paler than when she'd started.

           Joel seemed to notice this. "Oh, are you worried now, Lizzie?" He asked. Lizzie shook it off and gave his checkbook back. "Nope! I'm totally not worried at all! What gave you that idea? Now excuse me for a second, I need to ask Pix to tell me a bedtime story." Then she ran over to Pix without another word. "Pix! Tell me the story about Queen Cleopatra that you told me the other day!"

           Another week rolled around and soon Lizzie invited everyone to her party. Joel strolled confidently into the ocean empire, knowing that he was going to win because there was no way Lizzie spent more money on a party than he did, but then he stopped when he saw the actual party. It wasn't that it was extremely over extravagant or anything like that. It was because it was so plain.

           It was just a couple of decorated tables and some party streamers. There was even a fancy cake, although everyone was sick of cake after that one time Lizzie made it the staple food of all the empires. But nothing seemed really expensive. In fact, everything looked cheap.

           Which made Joel confused because Lizzie barely tolerated cheap things. And he was even more confused by the fact that Lizzie didn't seem to have spent that much effort on this party because bet or not she usually put her all into everything, even small ridiculous things.

           As Joel tried to wrap his brain around what was happening Lizzie strolled over, wearing a pair of giant pearl earrings. "Hi, Joel." She said. Joel nodded a greeting back. He glanced at her earrings. "Oh, you like these?" Lizzie asked, fiddling with them. "They're the most expensive pearls in the world." And she whispered a sum in Joel's ear that made him literally jump.

           "You do realize that those earrings don't count in the party cost, right?" He asked. Lizzie hummed but Joel couldn't shake the feeling that something bad was going to happen. Especially because Lizzie had a very particular look on her face that spelled out chaos and defeat for the unwary.

           Everyone sat at their tables, murmuring. They all knew by now about the bet with three stacks of diamonds on the line, so they were confused as to where Lizzie was going with this so fair plain party. And it continued to be plain and cheap for the next few hours as Lizzie served plain and cheap food. Then Sausage pointed something out.

           "I'm thirsty! Lizzie, this is the water empire, why are there no drinks?" Lizzie grinned. "I was wondering when someone was going to ask." She said. Joel gulped at the expression on her face. Then Lizzie walked over with a pitcher of what looked like water but when Sausage took a sip it turned out to be vinegar. "Lizzie, why are you serving vinegar?" Gem asked. Lizzie just smiled as she detached one of her earrings of the most expensive pearls in the world and dropped it into the pitcher.

           At first, nothing happened. Then Joel blanched as the expensive pearl began to dissolve until it melted away into the vinegar. "Anyone want a drink?" Lizzie offered, but everyone, even Sausage, shook their heads. "Oh well, more for me." She shrugged, and poured herself a drink of the revolting mixture. When she was finishing drinking she grinned at Joel. "I'll have my three stacks of diamonds now, please."