All the lies between us (Mattheo Riddle x Draco Malfoy)

chapter twelve

*Twiggerwarning*

I waited a while after Draco left the room, not wanting him to see who I was meeting and I also had to sort out my thoughts first. When that was the case, I decided to go to the meeting, I was even partly on time. The hardest part was sneaking out because we agreed to meet at the black lake and everyone knows that you can't go out that late anymore. But if Mattheo has done it, I will too. Shortly before I got there I saw him sitting right by the lake, I refused for a while but in the end I decided to go to him. As I tried to sneak up I just heard him say 'I know it's you'. He turned to me and smiled, of course I had to do the same. I wanted to sit on the floor next to him, but he took off his sweater so I could sit on something softer. That's exactly what I mean with my drama, when I'm with Draco I feel something for him again, at least that's what I feel and when I'm with Mattheo again I feel so safe and secure. It just feels right. I even thought about whether I just longed for the memory of when Draco was normal to me, when he really loved me. Maybe I didn't let go of it after all and now that he treats me well I just feel like I did when I was in fourth year. But I'm not the person I used to be, I went through so much because of him and completely changed. But somehow I can't let go, somehow I want it to be like it used to be. I have no idea what's going on with my feelings?

"Are you thinking about Draco?" he then suddenly asked.

I was a little shocked by the question, but I didn't let it show. I was just speechless, it's almost as if he could read my thoughts. But when he conveyed his thoughts to me, it was clear to me that he could give perfect advice. He noticed earlier that something was wrong with him, he seemed to be different lately and somehow he asked me if something had happened between us before. How the hell can a person be so observant as to remember such details? When I asked him that, he just laughed and assured me that he was just very attentive. 'Only with certain people' completely threw me for a loop, what does he mean by that? But I didn't want to ask him that, I have to answer his question somehow. Somehow I've known him for quite a short time, but he still seems familiar to me. He is different, there is something about him that seems different to me. To be honest, I feel like he's nicer and more empathetic towards me than anyone else. I just nodded my head, that should be answer enough. When I looked at him, his look was confused, maybe it had a hint of anger in it but I'm not sure. It was too much at once. When he noticed that I was quiet, or rather sad, he hugged me with one arm and I immediately felt better. Like this was something more than a hug, something more than just an arm around me. I really appreciated that he didn't say anything, because the silence helped me gather all my courage and tell him about my story. About my past that only one person knows, namely Draco himself. I wanted to tell him the things that I didn't even tell Hermione. I don't know if this was a good idea but I had a good gut feeling that told me to do it. Maybe I'll feel better afterwards? I started telling everything, the beginning of our relationship, our downfall and then the worst days of my life. He didn't even interrupt me, he listened to me carefully. I didn't know if it was a good thing that I told him, but it felt right.

"You know, I kept thinking about what I did wrong, what I could do better but I have already given everything, haven't I? I left everything and everyone for him, how much do I have to sacrifice myself to keep someone with me?"

I've never told anyone how I really felt, not even Hermione. She heard everything, but at that point I was so lost and sad the whole damn time that I couldn't say anything. It's unbelievable that I'm only talking about it now, even though I had the opportunity before. The worst thing is, I would even laugh at myself for still somehow liking him. I still feel something, even though I'm still so hurt because him. Lately I haven't really recognized my feelings, Draco was even sweeter than before, we had such wonderful moments together, like when we danced together earlier. But I always forget how badly he treated me, how hurt I was and, above all, still am. Actually, an apology should be enough, right? Surely good memories should outweigh the bad ones? But why isn't it the case for me? Why can't I just forgive him like I want? But if I can't forgive him, why does he still make me as happy as before, why do I still feel something for him. My thoughts don't even make sense, right?