Chenqing

31

Later that night Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian were relaxing in bed together after their hot everyday means everyday session. Wei Wuxian's mind was going back to the conversation he had earlier that day. He couldn't get Wangji's baffling face out of his mind after it was revealed that Wuxian thought Wangji hated him in the past. Turns out, he never hated him at all, but rejecting him and pushing him away was all he knew about doing back then because he never knew he could love again after losing his mother.

Never love again?

Wuxian thought about that. Back then, Wangji seemed so closed off and rigid. He didn't let anyone near him and even with Wuxian trying to get close, he was still quite persistent. Many have told Wuxian to leave him alone because Wangji obviously hated him and wanted nothing to do with him. Wuxian didn't give up at first. It was only after he gave up his golden core and took up demonic cultivation that he started pushing Wangji away. Then again, he was pushing everyone else away too.

"Lan Zhan, can I ask you something?" Wuxian asked.

"Mnn," he hummed as he held Wuxian closer to his chest, "ask me whatever you want."

"Back then, when you saw me use Chenqing for the first time against Wen Chao and Wen Zhuliu, what did you think of me?" He asked.

Wangji stopped rubbing his hand on Wuxian's back and sat upright. He then leaned back against the headboard and looked at Wuxian, "I was concerned. I realized something bad must have happened to you. I was scared for you."

"When you first asked me to go back to Gusu, what was the reason?" Wuxian asked.

"I wanted to protect you," Wangji answered, "I wanted to hide you away so no one could hurt you and I could possibly help you heal from whatever happened to you."

Wuxian sat up and looked at him, "and at the time, did you know I couldn't be healed?" Wuxian asked, "I was already filled with resentment at that point. My entire body was broken and there wasn't a single piece of me that was still normal. My golden core was gone and the resentment sat there in my dantian. I felt cold all the time. There was nothing you or anyone could have done back then."

This was the first time Wuxian was really opening up to Wangji about this. Wangji felt honored that Wuxian trusted him enough now to tell him about his past and how much pain he was in, "Lan Zhan, if Jiang Cheng wasn't there with you, I probably would have told you what happened to me but I didn't want him to know. I pushed you away because it was all you did to me when I tried to get close to you. I thought, you hate me anyway, I might as well just make you hate me more," Wuxian said.

"I never hated you, Wei Ying," Wangji said calmly, "I was afraid to feel emotions that I hadn't felt since I was a child again. I was afraid that you may not have liked me back and I was just different. I kept it to myself and tried to be there for you the best I could...but you needed me way more than I could have ever imagined. I am sorry I made it seem that way."

"Though that time has passed, I was thinking we could learn from it," Wuxian said, "we should not and hopefully, will not, get to that point again. We are married and we should be able to talk about these things now without having to fear what the other would say. I trust you and all you want for me is to be happy and healthy. It is the exact same thing that I want for you."

"We will do better," Wangji said, "you may still use resentful energy but it's a part of who you are. I have accepted that. It took me some time to understand but I still accept you."

"I love you so much," Wuxian told him.

"I love you too," Wangji said and kissed him and held Wuxian close to him, "what brought this up again anyway?"

"I keep going back to the conversation we had earlier. You seemed so shocked about me thinking you hated me," Wuxian replied.

"If I gave off that impression, I apologize," Wangji said.

Wuxian shook his head, "it wasn't just you. Though I shouldn't have listened to him, Jiang Cheng kept telling me you despised me. My shijie had some ideas of my interests in you but she didn't push at me. I know your brother spoke to me once, he was worried about you and thought I was being self-centered to see I was hurting others because of my choices. From the way he was talking to me, if made it seem as if you didn't like me either."

"Wei Ying, you are far from selfish. My brother was blinded by being a sect leader first and listened to other leaders who had the same opinion of you back then. He was being fed information from Jin Guangyao and he...didn't really seem to understand what I was trying to do back then either. That day of the battle at Nightless City, I think he finally understood my feelings for you," Wangji explained.

"I can't really fault him for the way he acted towards me either. Not many people really liked me or trusted me anyway," Wuxian explained, "all people seemed to see in me was a servant's son. Everyone kept saying my father was a servant to the Jiang Clan but he was also a head disciple and became Uncle Jiang's second hand. I had always thought head disciples were just like many other disciples but I was told they were just servants."

"They are not servants," Wangji said, "whoever told you that was lying. A head disciple is in charge when the sect leader is away. They even sometimes have authority over the madam of a sect depending on the situation. If it was Madam Yu who told you those things, she was lying to you. If it was all of them, then they all wanted to lie to you for some reason."

"I was always told to protect Jiang Cheng and Shijie, even if it cost me my life," Wuxian said, "the day of the massacre I really understood how Uncle Jiang viewed me. I was just a shield for his children. He told me to protect his children but didn't tell me to look after myself."

"It shows that they were only concerned for themselves. Were you ever taught or even given a chance to take care of yourself?" Wangji asked.

Wuxian shook his head, "when you saw me in the mounds with the Wens, I had already gone weeks without a proper meal. I'd eat if someone gave me something but otherwise I never took care of myself. After that night hunt at Phoenix Mountain, I was already contemplating on how to...end things."

"You...wanted to die?" Wangji asked.

Wuxian nodded, "I felt no one would care anyway."

"I would, and I wish I was strong enough back then to really tell you that, but I am here now and I want you to know you do not ever have to worry about being alone again," Wangji assured him.

Wuxian nodded, "I know," he said and snuggled up to Wangji, "and I am glad."