Thank you @itsmehi1322 for submitting this work!
I have a couple of preliminary thoughts before starting. I really like the build up for the world / aesthetic at the start, even if I find myself winded at the prospect of fully digesting each minute detail. I mean, pictures, songs, it's all fascinating in it's approach to building this world and describing the feeling it should evoke. Aesthetically, this is one of the more impressive works I've read even if a little daunting.
My thoughts on the work, however, are slightly more disappointing if I am being honest. I think the follow-through is a bit lackluster in terms of artistic expression. This story to me has somewhat of a lack in direction? Some problems introduced early are dealt with very fast, sometimes in the same chapter - and the characters aren't given time to have any real stand-out moments. I think the work heavily relies on dialogue to carry the flavor of the story, which I used to do a lot of when I started as well, which was born from a lack of confidence in my ability to describe what i wanted to, or paint the pictures I was looking to paint.
The dialogue, even in it's overuse, was pretty solid. I will say, sometimes the dialogue came off as stiff. Here's some examples:
"I still can't believe you are going to university now. Time has passed by so fast." my mom said as I took a bite of my bagel.
"Mom please. Don't make it awkward," I said, rolling my eyes.
This is an interaction between the characters at the start of the second chapter. The long and short of my issue is the use of periods, instead of influencing the expression desired by this author through the punctuation used. This is clearly meant to be a sort of snotty, but in good fun, spat between mother and daughter - where the mom is overly whimsical of times long past. You can imagine what that tone and inflection would sound like, but the text doesn't do a good job at showing that.
If I were going to tweak this, I'd ask to really hone in on how to use punctuation as a vehicle to achieve flow and cadence in both dialogue and description.
"I still can't believe you are going to university now - Gosh, time passes by so fast..." my mom mused, as I took a bite of my bagel.
"Mom, please! Don't make it awkward," I scrunched my nose while rolling my eyes, hoping she wouldn't try to go on a whole rant about how much I've grown...
I did some quick changes to really emphasize the feel of the conversation. Notice how I've used hash-marks, commas, different punctuation other than period and question mark, to really hit home to the reader how they're supposed to read it. If you read it out loud, you'd naturally fall into the voice it should be. I think that the lack of variety in the punctuation actually severely hurts some works, as it makes it feel - for lack of a better word - bland.
Sometimes the delivery of lines is more important than the substance.
This can be enhanced with different structuring, maybe doing something like:
Her world was falling around her.
'Every
move
tore
holes
in
her
heart.
She walked away from him, in jarred and erratic steps, too stunned to look back and too hurt to care where she was going.'
The plot of this work was decent, however there wasn't a lot of overarching things except maybe for the main friendship and finding a relationship? Like these books are usually filled with drama and is almost set up in a way that mimics a tragedy, just with payoff and feel-good endings. But overall, I just felt as though the seasoning of this dish was lacking.
I didn't hate it, it's not bad, I just wasn't head-over-heels. Which, that might mean it's not for me, but I do think diversifying the way this work is written would go a long way in retaining the average viewer's attention, IMO.
Aesthetics: 10/10
Plot: 4/10
Grammar/Punctuation: 3/10
Total: 5.7/10
I do not try to be harsh, but I hope you can take what you will from my assessment. I will admit, many of the struggles I went through in year 3, 4, of my writing were so hard to get over. It took professional help to make me open my mind and actually research ways I could make my writing better. That's all to say, we're not perfect, I certainly am not - but we can get better. I just hope I made that process a little easier.
This is IfweAllFell, signing off.
Onto the next on! 0.0
YOU ARE READING
Review Central (Wattpad book review)
RandomHello! If you're reading this, you're in desperate need of someone to review and critique your book in a fair and honest way. I get it; I needed that too. I have been writing for most of my life. I think somewhere around 8 - 9 years or so. I have wo...
