This story is pretty good for the most part. At least, for the beginning sections of this story, I was really digging it. It seemed to be operating on a good pace, and while I think there were ways to maybe improve on the execution - it still was fun, and a good beginning of a story. It was interesting, had a good premise, the characters were lovable and charming, but then it suddenly just stopped moving forward.
The story does things that work, tries to do things that end up not working so well, but it's very forward in it's approach. However, what makes the story good to great at the start, and through some sections of the later half; the way things are described, and the way the story allows itself to linger.
I think this book reminds me of a runaway train; specifically after chapter 3. Because, the book begins to leave no room for itself. At the beginning there was a nice balance of dialogue and description, of characterization and furthering the plot. Then, after Xavier and the Royal Wrecking crew meet, it's like nothing is given time to simmer. I mean, A good example is Icurus immediately having his tail being reverted the chapter after the reveal of the tail is shown. It cheapens that impact, and to me it feels like someone who might not be as confident in that creative choice, or forming a story that would work with that choice - even though that choice is a good one!
Like, One way it could work to have Icurus stuck in that form would be to have him search on his own, without help - or search to find his childhood crush, see if his shape shifting could aid him in some way. And Xavier could become a second POV, or just be with the royals, and get their side of it. There are ways to make that work, but instead the reveal is then immediately settled. But that choice opens up so many possibilities, but it just felt like the author was hesitant, or didn't know how to cleanly resolve it.
Another one is the mystery that was posed by the stingray magical thing, and the "rose" motif, and how 'Rosan" plays into that. How it takes form as a rose. Then, every time a rose shows up, the readers like ah yeah, Rosan, instead of letting It be a mystery and having the characters try to figure it out themselves.
How cool would It have been for Xavier and Icurus to follow the trails of magic that always seem to leave roses - maybe a rose of water is found in the garden, and the same dark magic is at the base of it's pollen. As Icurus goes to touch it, it disintegrates. And then, he remembers the poem, and wonders if there's any clues to it in the library. Having seen nothing like that, he sees a book of elemental magic on the shelf. Not thinking much of it but it's pretty cover, he goes and later he finds the Rosan magic there. How roses play a part in that, and how somehow Roses are connected. I mean, Later in the story (I think chapter 8??? Can't remember) They kind of follow that bread crumb a bit, but I think it'd give the characters something to do in these settings for a longer time, and then the bigger ideas can be saved for their own chapter. Each chapter doesn't have to be something big, it just needs to be a step in the direction of building up rapport with the audience and adding to the mystery before slowly revealing it.
One major problem In the later chapters are all the page breaks used.
Page breaks usually signify the passage of time, or changing of scene. It resets the pace, basically, and it can be jarring for readers to constantly try to regain their bearings in the world.
One or two every here or there are completely fine, but this felt more like a play in structure with scene breaks and characters moving around, than a novel; and the pace suffered because of it.
I will now show the page breaks per chapter, to show why this became an issue:
Chapter 1) 2 page breaks
Chapter 2) 1 breaks
Chapter 3) 3 breaks
So lets say in 6,000 words, 2,000 per chapter, on average we're breaking it up into 1,000 word segments. This is still pretty fast paced, but it's slow enough that it allowed the reader to understand where in the world and story they are, and allows them to get comfortable in that setting, as well as allowing the world building to happen at a natural flow.
(Small note here, there is a difference in breaks this author uses, with what I can gleam it seems that the changes in times were where small breaks were used, but larger shifts in the setting were where big breaks were used. However, changes in time are changes in setting, and it was quite jarring bouncing from time to time, even if that time was directly after the previous setting's)
But
Chapter 4) 4 breaks
Chapter 5) 6 breaks
Chapter 6) 6 breaks
Chapter 7) 5 breaks
Chapter 8) 4 breaks
Chapter 9) 4 breaks
Chapter 10) 3 breaks
Chapter 11) 8 breaks
Chapter 12) 5 breaks
In 9 chapter, there were 45 instances where the setting changed mid chapter, meaning every chapter had about 5 setting changes. One chapter had 8 changes in setting, which is very impressive to be fair.
The problem is that if each chapter has on average 5 scene changes, and you're writing about 2,000 words per chapter? That's only 400 words per setting. That's not enough, especially when I think the average for these later chapters is a bit lower than 2,000.
And not a single chapter has had one setting by itself, no breaks. Which is a shame.
Most of these could be fixed by purposefully limiting your options to just one setting, and letting the characters speak for themselves, and perhaps planning the story out to see if you can use the overarching story to keep a steady pace and drive intrigue. It feels as if the book wants to further to the next biggest event, when it's far better to spend the time of building out the world and then working within it.
The book is a great read when it's not hurrying itself up, when it's using its ideas and themes to its benefit, when it believes in the characters it's set up. The descriptions are top notch, the characters are fun and inventive, and the setting could use some help but it's still very flavorful and oozes creativity.
The author cares so much about these characters and this world. I can feel it, this isn't some soulless creation - this is art. Truly, it gave me joy to read this book. Because I felt the love the author had for their creation, in every meme they made - just amazing.
And when I gave some suggestions, I saw in real time them update the text to include some of the things they liked that I had suggested. It made me so happy, seeing someone who cared so much about their work.
It's good, too! The pieces of a good work are here, and it was proven to be possible in the first three chapters and in places later on. But it feels too rushed. And that's a shame, because I like it.
Aesthetics: 5.1/10
Plot: 7.2/10
Grammar: 8/10
Personal enjoyment: 9.4/10
Pace: 2.1/10
Overall: 6.5/10
Hopefully I was able to explain why I think this story could be really great, as well as where it falls a bit flat in my opinion. I try to be a resource, so take from this what you will.
This is IfWeAllFell, signing off.
Onto the Next one! (o..o)
also Ariana x Xavier best ship?
Though my bi self loves Icurus x Edward...
Plplt whatever...
YOU ARE READING
Review Central (Wattpad book review)
RandomHello! If you're reading this, you're in desperate need of someone to review and critique your book in a fair and honest way. I get it; I needed that too. I have been writing for most of my life. I think somewhere around 8 - 9 years or so. I have wo...
