The DejaVu I Never Knew- SEQUEL

Chapter 9

Chapter 9

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"Every man has his secret sorrows which the world knows not; and oftentimes we call a man cold when he is only sad."

― Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

...

Raymond

It's been four months since I've seen her and I couldn't calm my nerves. I've never been one to have anxiety, but the thought of seeing her after everything that's happened has made it impossible to stop shaking. The uncertainty of not knowing what's on her mind is enough to drive anybody crazy, but I knew I had to look calm and presentable. It gave me a little comfort knowing that she was nervous too after I saw her car pulled up 15 minutes earlier.

"Hey." she said, interrupting my thoughts. I stood up and couldn't find the words to speak. She was glowing.

"Denise you look absolutely beauti.." She moved her purse out of the way and my heart stopped beating. There's no way she was...

"Yes I'm pregnant. And yes you're the father" She said smiling at me.

"Holy shit baby...Denise is this for real?" I couldn't contain my excitement as I gently touched her belly before pulling her into a hug. She pulled back after a minute and sat down across from me.

"I'm about 4 months pregnant. I'm surprisingly not as big as I thought. It's part of the reason I wanted some time to think about what I wanted to do and figure out what was best for her." She said studying me.

"We're having a little princess." I said like an idiot still in shock.

"Raymond, listen. I wanted to apologize for the whole kidnapping thing and..."

"I deserve it baby listen.."

"I said I wanted to," She said, cutting me off, "never said I was going to."

"Listen, I'm not asking you to forgive me. What I did was wrong, and I understand if you decide that you don't want me to be in your life."

"You don't get it Raymond, it's not just about that one action. It's about all the ones after it. It's about how what happened changed my life and completely turned my whole world upside down. It's about the nightmares, the feeling like you stole something from me. It's about everything." Grabbing my hand she leaned forward and focused on me. " Before I knew the truth, you were there to hold me through the nights when I would wake up crying. I felt safe in your arms Raymond. My whole life after high school Rayna was the only person I trusted, even during our fallout. Now after all these years I felt safe with you, and then you went and you gave me a face to put on the villain that's in my story and it complicates things. Do you have any idea how it feels to wake up from a nightmare and see that the same monster you were running from in your dream is the same one laying next to you in real life? It's like a Dejavu, like I'm still dreaming, begging to wake up. That by itself is a whole other trauma. After it happened, it ended up defining who I am. My whole life I thought that I had let it go, but yet till today it controls my every action and thought process. 

Because of it I've never felt safe anywhere, not even in my own home; I'm always looking over my shoulder. I'm a grown ass woman with a curfew Raymond! I let my fear determine my mood and my personality. Now I'm not even sure who I am. I need to figure that out without you. I need to figure out who I am, and I need to test my strength and my self confidence without you or Rayna as my backbone. With that being said, you are the baby's father obviously" she said averting my eyes as if she was hiding something from me, "and I'm not going to let our past or problems be the reason she grows up without a father. So you'll be involved in her life as much as you want to. You've made some mistakes you know we all have, but it doesn't make you a bad person. I know you're going to be an amazing father, and I will trust that until you give me a reason not to."

"What does that mean for us in the future?"

"There is no 'us' Raymond. You...you raped me... so no there's no...You'll be in her life, but you and I...we're done. It's confusingly painful having feelings for the person that's hurt me as much as you have."

"Are you still in love with me?"

"Honestly I don't know. I fell in love with you. The guy who I didn't know took my innocence from me. And now that I do know Raymond it changes everything. I know that I still care for you. But being in love with you is just, I don't know."

"Alright, I understand. I promise you I will be the best father she could ever ask for, and I will always be there to protect her and love her. Thank you for giving me this opportunity. You won't regret it." I told her, trying my best not to break down. Wiping her tears off she smiled at me and said "I don't doubt it.".

I watched her walk away from me, and I couldn't lie to myself about the empty feeling I felt in my heart. I get what she said. She needed to heal and as much as I wished I could go back and redo everything, I knew I couldn't just as much as I knew that I couldn't let her go. So I'll give her some space, but once she has the baby she'll come around. She'll want me back. She has to. She's the one who once told me that she wouldn't judge me by my past so she doesn't get to use it as a reason to toss me aside like a pile of trash. She doesn't know it yet, but she needs me. I'll be damned if I let another man raise my child.