Arranged Indecency

I volunteer

“Well, I’ve got fresh news from Lanling for you, Wei-xiong. I’m sorry to tell you that Jin Zixing truly isn’t the kind of man you would want to marry. Ever,” Nie Huaisang declared as he fanned himself with his favorite fan.

‟What a surprise, said no one ever,” Wei Wuxian retorted with a sigh as Jiang Cheng crossed his arms over his chest. ‟It’s that bad?″

After all, a lot of thinking later, Wei Wuxian was ready to sacrifice his happiness for the Jiangs.

It didn’t mean that he was happy to do so though.

Nie Huaisang looked pensive for a second as he tapped his bottom lip with his fan.  ‟He is very good looking, like all the Jins are, really,″ he said after a beat. ″But to put it frankly, he’s more interested in your physique and what he might be able to do with your body than anything else. He said, and I quote: Tiny waist, big ass,″ he added with a wave of his hand.

Jiang Cheng’s face blanked as Wei Wuxian’s face turned bright red.

Nie Huaisang was about to tell them more, when the three of them suddenly heard a weird sound coming from behind the cover of the trees.

It sounded a bit as though a tree had been cut down close to them, which was rather strange.

They remained silent and alert for a few more minutes; Jiang Cheng’s hand on Sandu’s hilt.

They could easily find themselves in trouble right now.

After all, they were hanging out in the back mountains of the Cloud Recesses after the curfew.

“I see,” Wei Wuxian said with resignation a few minutes later, when they realized that no one was coming to chastise them.

Jiang Cheng, on the other hand, wasn’t too pleased by Nie Huaisang’s revelation. “Disgusting.It’s true that you have a fat ass, but still. I think we should go see A-jie to talk with her about this.”

Wei Wuxian shrugged. “I tried, but every time I want to see her, she is with Lady Wen. Her health must be really bad right now.″

“Her health, really?” Nie Huaisang snorted.

Wei Wuxian frowned. “Well, why else would she spend so much time with a doctor if that wasn’t the case?”

‟I don’t know. I really don’t know,” Nie Huaisang replied looking more amused than ever.

Jiang Cheng and Wei Wuxian exchanged a confused glance, before Jiang Cheng voiced what he was thinking out loud .‟What else do you know about that fat ass enthusiast? Didn’t you say that you had a plan in order to get rid of him?″

″Indeed.″ Nie Huaisang closed his fan, before he sat on a rock. ‟Apparently, there are two things that could make Jin Zixing break his engagement.″

Both Wei Wuxian and Jiang Cheng nodded, eager to learn more.

″If you are suddenly too ugly for his taste-″ Nie Huaisang began, before Jiang Cheng yelled.

‟I can take care of this for you, Wei Wuxian. No big deal,″ he exclaimed as he curled his hand into a fist.  ″I can easily break that pointy little nose of yours,″ he said as he almost crashed it in Wei Wuxian’s face.

‟You wish! I will break yours first! It’s so huge it takes half of your face,” Wei Wuxian countered as he too tried to punch his shidi.

‟-Or if you turn out not the be a virgin after all,” Nie Huaisang continued, before he hid his smile behind his fan.

Both boys stop fighting as they glanced at their friend with shock.

‟Bold of him to assume that I am a virgin still,″ Wei Wuxian replied, looking as though butter wouldn’t melt in his mouth, before Jiang Cheng smacked him behind the head.

‟Wei-Xiong,” Nie Huaisang mumbled as he rolled his eyes and he let out a sigh.

Of course Wei Wuxian was a virgin still.

The poor boy was so inexperienced, he thought that sex was limited to hand jobs and blowjobs after all...

‟I’ve almost held a girl’s hand once,” Wei Wuxian continued as Jiang Cheng shoved him in the ribs. Hard.

In the distance, they heard another tree fall.

‟Obviously, I am too good looking for the first option, so there is no other choice but to go with the second one. But who am I going to have sex with?” Wei Wuxian inquired out loud, looking pensive as he scratched his nose.

″Wanyin-xiong?″ Nie Huaisang suggested, biting his lip so as not to laugh out loud at his own suggestion.

‟Don’t even think about it,″ Jiang Cheng barked as he backed away from his shixiong. Fast.

Wei Wuxian seemed as disgusted as him. ″Are you crazy, Nie-xiong?″

Nie Huaisang shook his head. ‟Wei-xiong, I can only suggest that we have sex together, then. I don’t feel like it, really, but I don’t think we have any other choice,” he added, looking pained.  "Does two days from now sound like a good time for you?″

"WHAT?!” Jiang Cheng thundered, before he turned around and he stomped away, cursing a few times.

Interesting.

Or so Nie Huaisang thought.

‟Nie-xiong, I’m a romantic at heart. I don’t want to ruin my first time and waste it with you,″ Wei Wuxian complained.

"Do you want to marry Jin Zixing, then?″ Nie Huaisang said as he quirked an eyebrow. ″Because this is what is going to happen, unless you find someone who might be willing to defile you other than myself.″

Wei Wuxian complained for a few more seconds.

Until someone emerged from the forest, probably attracted by all the noise they were making by now.

After all, Wei Wuxian had never been quiet in his life; and today was not going to be the day he was going to start.

Unluckily for the two friends, it was none other than Lan Wangji who had appeared in front of them.

‟Being outside at this hour is prohibited,” he said, looking angrier than ever, as Nie Huaisang fell to his knees and began to wail loudly.

"Wangji-xiong, please don’t tell Dage I’m not studying again,″ he said, tears rolling down his cheeks. ″He will kill me for sure this time around!″

Wei Wuxian pouted in Lan Wangji’s direction. ‟Lan Zhan, surely you can’t be this cruel! This is a matter of life and death we are discussing right now.”

Lan Wangji seemed rather undeterred.

Nie Huaisang cried some more. ‟Wei-xiong needs to lose his virginity and fast; otherwise, he will need to marry a Jin,″ he explained in between sobs. "I told him I would help, but we both aren’t too keen on the idea." He let out another sigh. "Maybe if you asked Wen Ning, Wei-xiong?″

Lan Wangji looked even angrier by the second.

Surely, they would get the worst punishment they had ever received so far!

‟I can help you with that,” Lan Wangji suddenly stated and Wei Wuxian was sure that he might be hallucinating things by now.