What is happening..

Not this girl

Tuesday April 30

I really wish I had a job.
Then I wouldn't be broke begging my mom to take me DoorDashing for some money to buy clothes. Uggghhhhh I can't wait til the end of this year. Maybe I can get a job at McDonald's or something.
Oh lemme start from the beginning of the day.

I dreaded getting up this morning, somehow less than I do any other morning. I can only imagine tomorrow being so much worse.
We got in the car and my mom started telling about a guy she went out with, in a bad way.
Basically, he ghosted her and she somehow found it a chance to give me another one of her life lessons. I wouldn't be surprised if it was a set up just for that.
"Don't ever let the way people act change how you feel about yourself"

Or something like that.
I feel like everytime she tries to give me a lesson on something, no matter what it is, it always ends up reminding of how I feel about things with Zola. Whatever I'll just try to get through the 3 hours I have today.

Oh my god let me out of here. I'm only in first period and I already wanna peel the skin off of my bones.
During class the phone went off and I was praying that it was me, though I knew it wasn't.
The orchestra director walked over to Cam and told him something, then he was putting his violin away and grabbing his backpack to leave.
Before he could walk out I called for him

"Wait where are you going?"
"The front office"
"Is it about yesterday?"
"Im pretty sure"

I'd be surprised if it wasn't. We only had about 20 minutes left of class but the entire time I felt my heart trying to jump out of my chest.
"What if they take my phone since I have the video"
Grey looked at me like I was psychotic, I felt like I was too.
"Girl. They won't go through it, if they do they'll only ask to see the video. Now calm down it's not like you did anything"
I know that but even with school administrators I can't help but feel like I'm suffocating.

The class finally ended and I felt a somewhat sense of relief. I walked out to go up the stairs and saw Cam coming back.

please don't involve me..

"If they call you. All you have to say was it was a gum wrapper."

Damnit.

"Wait are calling for me?"
"They might."

Then he just walked on to class.
I don't know what I'm so nervous about. We did nothing wrong. We shouldn't be punished for a random man threatening a middle schooler. Whatever. I'll just move past it. I'm done worrying about pointless shit...but the pit just gets deeper..

—————————————————————————
I'm finally out of this mess of a place and on my way to the eye doctor.
I had asked my mom if I could get contacts for my cosplays instead of just wearing my glasses the entire convention. Not to mention I've been wanting anything EXCEPT these things for a while and I'm finally getting them.
I'll spare the details and just skip to the doctors office, that's somewhat more interesting than this.

So I'll clarify, this isn't a regular check-up, it's to follow my last 2 appointments. There I did the mental health test honestly and well I had therapy for a while then I got discharged since I wasn't opening up to them.
I hate explaining my mental health to my mom. I hate to sound cringe and..."emo" but she just doesn't understand.
Especially as a therapist and a mother you'd think she'd be more understanding.
And here I am having to explain to her why I can't explain to her what's wrong.

I know she tries to understand but I can't explain that I'm so self aware that I know why I feel a lot of the things I feel.
Then I can't explain all these things I want to get checked for 'cause I don't want her to feel as if she's lost the girl she's always seen.
The girl who would've never acted like this.
The girl who was talented.
The girl who tried.
The girl who only cared about others and was never selfish.
Not this girl.