What is happening..

Wish I Knew

Skipping Wednesday 'cause the only interesting thing was my orchestra concert.

Thursday May 2

Pleaseee let it be Friday alreadyyy..

Ah fuck.

Not like I have a choice but to get up anyway.
Atleast I have my second band practice today.
I feel weird saying my second band practice since, well it's only my third time being there and the first time it was only a visit. Pixi wanted me to see what it was like before I decided whether I wanted in or not.
Especially as a singer, I'm not that confident in my voice. Like I know it's good but I also know it's kinda weird.
Yknow?

There's really no point in today. It's just another passing day to get through tomorrow.
The random $500 couch my mom brought came in and I'm listening to music having my weird fantasies featuring things that would actually let me like my life.
I honestly can't believe I made it out the day this easy.
Or the week.

Wait I just remembered how I almost beat someone's ass yesterday.
That's a bit of a stretch..I don't know how to fight but with everything I've been having to put away recently, anytime I get frustrated it just turns into tears and anger, so when this loser purposely backed into me and stepped on my bruised toe. AND HE KNEW IT WAS BRUISED.
"You pushed me."
Motherfucker I didn't even touch you.
Atleast today he apologized and even bought me a cookie. Part of me feels bad but the other part knows him.

....Let me apologize profusely before going back to this topic..but..
Zola doesn't deserve Pixi.
IM SORRY IM SORRY IM SORRY BUT I JUST CAN'T HELP IT.
Like Zola doesn't even love Pixi she just wants someone to love her. It's so obvious.
It's just not fucking fair. Pixi sent a picture of herself to the group chat and I don't know I started to feel something?
Not like butterflies but definitely not just lust but I just..I don't know, I don't know what it was. Whatever it doesn't even matter...even if it was love it's not like she'd take me back.
It's fault we're over anyway. I fucked everything up.
She loved me, she really loved me.
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Friday May 3
Today wasn't as bad as they usually are, probably 'cause we didn't do an ounce of schoolwork the entire day and I got picked up when it was boring. Now just 3 more weeks..I think? I don't know. I'm not good at counting.

I'm going to Pixi's house tonight, and unusually that thought is making my stomach hurt.
Yknow it's weird to hear people suddenly have their issues with a person you've been having an issue with. Yes, this is about Zola.
Rube had a few things to say about her today, luckily she wasn't there. I'll get to that in a second.
I don't remember how we got to this topic but during lunch she just goes.
"Zola actually makes me wanna rip my head off."
Oh?
Dead serious too.
Now I'm wondering is something happened between them, then I realize it's Zola. she probably did something. Damn that sounded rude-
Then she started going on about how Zola is always bragging about stuff.
Like, where she is right now.
She went to a music festival and it's all she's been talking about. She's doing it as we speak..or type, I guess. I'm not even mad since I'd probably be doing the same.
Maybe it's something I've never noticed but now that I've been told about it, I'll definitely be catching on. I hate that habit.

Is it weird that I'm nervous from the thought of being alone with Pixi?
Like I feel like everytime I'm hanging out with her alone I need to like, transform myself into a WAY better version of myself. To the point where it's not even me.

I love hanging out with Pixi. She's so pretty and fun. We're trying on some of her ears and tails and they look really cute on me. I hope she thinks so too, since she's been staring at me from her floor for 3 minutes without looking away.
Maybe she's just zoned out..?
"I love Zola. She doesn't care what I do with people as long as my feelings stay with her."
...shattering. Anddd we're still friends with benefits...only, friends with benefits.
It's hard trying to hold in tears, it's even worse in front of her.
But I suck it up anyway. We're listening to music and sitting on her floor.
Holding hands, singing with each other..fuck she's good at eye contact.
Is it obvious Im struggling to keep up?
I really wish she'd stop looking at me. But I really wish I could be the only one she looks at...
Don't kiss her..
Dont kiss her..
Please. Don't kiss her..

"You wanna go outside?"

Thank god she changed that quickly.

Even now outside, I still can't think straight.
Why can't I think about her normally?
Why am I always confused around her?
Can she read me?
She can definitely tell by how I look at her.
Someone please save me before I do the dumbest thing on earth...

We're back inside after about 10 minutes, sobbing in her basement about how our socks are wet while drinking Diet Coke. Not my type of drink, I actually only drink it when I'm with her.
Overthinking never stops, not even when I'm perfectly fine...sort of.
Did she see my face drop when she mentioned Zola?
Her eyes are so..wait what?
I pray she can't sense anything odd.
I can already tell we'll be up for a while doing dumb shit, or just watching South Park since she's addicted now.

Is it weird how much I love cuddling her..?
Okay okay I'm sorry but I just love being around her, being close to her just seeing how beautiful she is..she's even more beautiful on top of me..
"Are you going to sleep?"
I know what to say but I'm half asleep and the way she's positioned on me isn't helping. Not to mention she's still looking directly at me. I probably look like a drugie.
If I say yes, she'll stop.
If I say no, she'll have me feeling hotter than I do right now.
I know which one I want. I know which one she wants.
"...I don't know.."

Way to go, dork.

She just lays on top of me. Probably thinking. I play with her hair, while almost dead from the exhaustion of today.
I just wish I actually knew what I was thinking.