What is happening..

The Same Way

Monday May 6

I'm surprised I haven't written all weekend. I guess I've been too caught up wondering about my feelings and Zola was being annoying last night and Pixi had my head spinning all day Saturday.
It's 10pm and my head still hurts.
I hung out with Vain today and that was probably all I needed to get through this week.
And the fact that I have fun plans this weekend with him and my mom. Woohoo (I'm writing this hella late so pretend that it was enthusiastic)

I'm so tired and I didn't even do anything today, imma just go a bed and pray that tomorrow will be as decent as today.

Tuesday May 7

Wanting to be someone's friend is so weird and awkward. Especially if they prefer being alone 'cause then you're just left stuck wanting to talk to them but not wanting to bother them.
I wish I was confident and not awkward
I wish I didn't struggle and overthink so much.
....ill just thug it out til tomorrow...or the end of the week

Wednesday May 8

I hate how days just slightly get worse as they go on.
I was literally so happy today I actually had a decent day then 7th period happened and Aspen started being a bitch.
My computer died so we couldn't work on our project and she's freaking out for no reason what-so-ever.
"Just go borrow one of the teachers"
"I have other work to do"
I did but it wasn't that important
"If you're not gonna do work then why are we even friends."

Ouch.
Maybe we shouldn't be then if you wanna act like that over a small project.
Of course I didn't say that to her. Then when I'm pissed off already this dude who hasn't stopped bothering me the whole year just goes,
"Do you believe in god?"
"Huh?" I lower the volume on my earbud
"Do you believe in god?"
"Er, no not really."
"Ok"
Then he walks away.
Not a problem I guess. Then some girl who is one of the fakest people by the way, started whispering about me to her friend. I looked at her and she gave me a look, then covered her mouth to keep whispering.
I genuinely wonder how the fuck these randos have so much audacity.

I hate my mom.
I hate how she doesn't understand me.
I hate how I can't explain things to her.
I hate how she doesn't try.
I hate that she doesn't listen.
I hate that I have to escape from her.

Saturday May 11

So..the rest of this week just could felt like I've been to coked up to write about anything else. I'll try to give a brief summary of the rest of this week but I'll start saying it was so shit I swear I've had like 10 breakdowns.
Wednesday night I got grounded after having Vain over 'cause the house wasn't clean then she ungrounded me or something 'cause I still went out but whatever.
Thursday I freaked the fuck out during band 'cause I sounded like shit and I wanna quit but I can't 'cause I don't wanna seem like a crybaby in front of Pixi and my mom will have wasted her money.
I keep wanting to cry after band when I realize I really can't sing and I've just been lied to..but if I can't sing I don't know what I'm gonna do with my life.
Friday was really weird. We didn't do anything at school but after that some of the group walked and just hung out for a bit then I went to Pixi's house with Lee. I really gotta stop hanging out with her..something is seriously wrong with me.
Saturday I went the mall with Vain and almost had like 10 breakdowns in front of him after the group chat started being a bitch over a small joke I made.

Hex: Bruhhh yall already left me and Vain are hereee

Milo: we left like 4 hours ago😭

Hex: boringgg

Milo: omg you always call ppl boring

Bro what-
I get I do that a lot but like why are you suddenly making it a problem. I could name a list of things you've done that piss me off but I don't start making a scene about it?
I know it doesn't seem like a lot right now but it just gets worse.

Hex: I say it jokingly??

Milo: but whenever you say that it's just annoying

Then fucking say that instead of making it a thing in the future??

Zola: Frr

Shut the fuck up.

Hex: Then why not just say that instead of flaming me for it later?

Zola: we also can't tell when ur joking sometimes

I could say the exact same for you. The amount of times you've been a bitch joking or not then just said "love you" or laughed it off like it didn't make us feel some typa way? Like you are such a hypocrite I don't wanna hear that from you.

Milo: u right I'm sorry I should've explained it

Hex: no no calm down don't apologize

Lee: u fr say stuff joking the annoys the shit out of everybody istg

Like I don't fucking know that already? You dont think I try to keep my mouth shut? You don't think I wished I could keep my mouth shut. It's so easy and I act like it's the hardest thing in the world.
Then Rube texts me making sure I'm okay.

Rube: why r they so rude to u? You didn't even do anything

Im just so confused I don't know where to start.

Rube: Yall can't we not like I'm being so fuckin Fr rn-

Before I was just tired of I'm so tired of acting like this group isn't full of fake people who attack you whenever they can.

Hex: maybe cus u all piss me off so bad it makes me wanna rip out my fucking hair and kill myself.

I'm just more hurt that Lee was saying stuff too...I fucking love him so much..I don't think he feels the same way..