Bambina

30. Candyland

The day welcomes us with sun on a cloudless sky. Raphaelle's arms are wrapped around me in the pool. I nestle closer to him, inhaling the scent of his skin mingled with the chlorine.

"I love you," I murmur softly, the words barely a whisper against his chest.

He tightens his hold on me, his fingers tracing gentle patterns on my back. "I love you. I didn't know this love was possible. I've never... not like this," he murmurs back.

I've wandered for so long, searching for something I couldn't name, but now I know that it was him all along. It was this, us, the dynamic, everything about this. I just need to find ways to let that wall down, to let the shame go. And I'm getting better. I mean, I'm wearing a princess themed bikini, pink, and I'm still smiling. That's a step in the right direction, I hope.

"I've never felt this way before either," I admit, though I know he already knows that. 

He presses a kiss to the top of my head, his lips warm and tender against my hair. "I know. One of the many things I love about you," he whispers, his breath stirring the strands around my face. "I could go on and on about how I'm the only one who'll ever make you feel this way. To love you, cherish you, touch you. It's driving me insane, baby."

I flush, swimming away. This is getting too much. But he chases after me, pulling me back into his embrace.

"You don't get to hide away from daddy," he whispers. "I love it when you blush. It's cute."

He pulls back slightly, his eyes searching mine. "You're beautiful."

"I want you so badly right now," he confesses. "And I'm being honest, it's hard to resist you, but I'm going to. I'm willingly accepting blue balls for you. You know what that means, right?"

I can sense his humor. At times it's so dry, it's ridiculous. 

I reach up to touch his face, tracing the line of his jaw with trembling fingers. "You're the worst at making jokes."

"Maybe. But I'm good at loving you."

He leans down to press his lips to mine. Our kiss breaks and I nod, "you are. Very good." 

The warmth of the sun caresses our skin, but it can't compare to the heat that I feel radiating from him. 

"Are you happy?" He asks, his hand brushes against my cheek. 

I nod, "I am. I... you make me the happiest. I mean, look at me," I giggle. "I would never have been comfortable wearing this around anyone else." 

"I know. Baby steps," he replies, "but I'm super proud of you."

I smile, blushing. Hearing that he's proud of me is right under 'good girl' on the list of things I absolutely love to hear. It makes me tingly and fuzzy within. I am truly seen with him, truly understood. He accepts me for who I am, flaws and all. Nobody's ever done that before. Except my mother. But she's been gone for far too long. The thought is suffocating. 

"What's wrong?" He asks. I smile, but it's not a happy smile. "My mom... I... I just miss her." 

His gaze meets mine, his eyes soft and sympathetic. "She misses you, too. I promise. Wherever she is. She misses you. And she loves you. And she's proud of you as well." 

My tears escape, I can't hold them in. "Oh, baby..." he breathes, cupping my cheeks, kissing my forehead. 

He lets me cry, accepting the tears he hates so much. 

"I'll go get the unicorn. You can play and have fun for a while. And daddy'll be on the sunbed. Hm?"

I shake my head. "No. Stay."