Involuntary Victim - Book 3 in Jessie's Story

Chapter 15: Anxiety or..?

The next few days were a roller coaster. I'd wake up feeling like garage, sick to my stomach, with headache from anxiety, from not sleeping. I ended up crawling into Winston's bed each night after waking from nightmares. I would drag myself out of bed and try my best to get through the day. If my mind and body were busy I'd be okay. But the minute I'd stop I could feel the tightness in my chest, and the turning queasy feeling. The moment I would stop I felt the exhaustion from not sleeping. I was short tempered and teary.

It wasn't fare to the others, and I felt guilty for snapping and yelling, but I couldn't get myself under control. The evening before they were supposed to be back I had crawled up onto the top point of the tallest building, I sat perched, with the wind in my hair. I turned my face up towards the moon. I took a slow deep inhale and slowly let it out. The tremor in my hand had started when I woke the first night with a night mare and it hadn't stopped.

Sammy had gave me the teddy bear the next night when he came to say goodnight. He insisted I take it. So, here I sat with my journal and the damn teddy bear on the top point of the building. I had started writing again, I hadn't touched a knife since I got here. I had fiddled with them during training, but I got hot and sweaty and a sharp pain in my chest. I knew I had to get over these fears if I was ever going to be aloud to go missions and take down WICKED. I had flipped out again at supper, I had tried to eat in the mess hall, I wanted to show Minho that I could do it. But some idiot kept staring and I lost it.

I heard light footsteps behind me and I sighed.

"Am I that easy to find?" I asked, not bothering to turn around.

"We knew you needed space, Love."

"I'm trying Sonya...but..I'm...I - I just.." I trailed off and shook my head.

She came over and sat down beside me, dangling her feet over the edge. She scootched closer, hip to hip, and took my hand. She was quiet for a long time, just sitting with me. The wind played with our hair.

"Why did you do it?" She suddenly asked.

"Do what?" I asked, feeling guilty all of a sudden, I felt a spike in my heart rate.

"Take on more pain and torture for us?" She glanced at me before looking back out into the night.

I chewed my lip for a second, sorting my thoughts. "I was the reason you guys were captured. I called them, I gave us up. I felt like...maybe... I dunno, like recompense for what I did to you."

"It wasn't your fault. None of us blame you." She said quietly. "They had a bloody chip in your head and were actually controlling you!"

"Yeah, but-"

"No. Enough Jess. Stop blaming yourself. We all saw how that creepy dude had control over you. We all saw how blank your eyes were, how jerky your movements were. Tess and Aris were the same! So stop putting that blame on yourself."

I just hummed, looking down at the teddy bear in my lap, and then looked back out into the night. We sat in silence for a while.

"I'm going to kill him." I whispered. "Nothing good is safe while he's alive, while WICKED is still functioning. And I can't make another speech about it. No more cameras. No more faking. No more laying low. No more Games. No more sitting here in the safety of the medical room. He needs to see my eyes when I kill him."

"Now were talking." Sonya grinned with malice.

"I'll find a way to the city, if Mary and Vince say otherwise, I'm going, when everybody's looking the other way."

"I heard some of the medics talking this morning. Right Arm is shipping supplies for the front line. They have an outpost just on the outside of the city...I'm not sure when, they were waiting for the recon mission to come back, apparently they were going to stop a few trucks with supplies as well."