More Junker Queen Oneshots ~REQUESTS CLOSED~

Can't Save Them All

"Dez, ya gotta calm down," I said, slowly putting the needle through her skin and pulling the thread through.

Her body twitched as she grimaced and hissed with pain. It wasn't her fault her body was reacting this way. Although, she had a higher pain tolerance than this.

"Odessa," I said as she moved again.

"I-I'm sorry, Y/N," she exhaled deeply. "I-I'm tryin' not to tense up."

I went at it again, but her muscles tensed again.

"Odessa," I said sternly. "Ya have to calm down," I said and pushed the needle through once more.

"OW! Fuck, Y/N!" she growled.

"It wouldn't hurt if ya stopped movin'," I grabbed her shoulders as well as the needle and thread.

"Odessa!"

"Fuckin' hell, Y/N! I can't calm the fuck down!" she stood up, taking the needle and thread with her.

She stormed off into the bathroom and slammed her hands against the sink. The needle was dangling against her back as the thread was stuck in her skin.

"How the fuck can I be calm knowin' I couldn't save 'em?!" her voice started to crack, her sniffles echoing off the wall.

"How the fuck can I live with knowin' that I wasn't able to protect 'em? Protect the people I care about the most? Of all people, protect you before anyone else. How the fuck can I be calm when I know that no matter what I try," she took in a deep, shaky breath.

She lifted her head up and I found her reflection in the mirror. Tears were sliding down her face, smearing the face paint as it was starting to stain her skin. Her amber eyes looked dull and lifeless, like she had no purpose to live on anymore.

"How the fuck can I be calm when I know that no matter what I try, I won't be able to do shit in the end?"

"Dez," I stood up and stepped towards her, her bare, muscular back facing me.

As she was bent over and tensing her muscles, I could see the indents on where they flexed. Blood was still covering the wounds that didn't need to be stitched up, but the ones that needed to were still bleeding slightly. I let out a sigh, placing my hand in the middle of her back.

"Dez. When did this come about?"

"We were ambushed. That's why I needed ya to stitch up my wounds. I was dealin' with the stragglers and the ones who wandered off, but a family was pinned against a wall. I was too busy helpin' another family out that I didn't get to them in time. They were killed without a second thought and the family had two little ones. The both of 'em couldn't have been over five years old. Knowin' I wasn't able to get to 'em, another person was killed right before my eyes. And then another. I-I just froze, Y/N. I-I felt like I was back in the Wastelands. Back with my father, my two siblings who died. B-Back there," more tears fell as she hunched over, her hands pressing to her face as she was silently sobbing.

I let out a sigh and hugged her, despite knowing I was going to get blood on my face and shirt. My arms wrapped tightly around her waist, the pads of my fingers running up and down her abs. Her diaphragm was quickly moving as she breathed heavily, trying to get in as much air as possible. Soon, that heavy breathing became hyperventilating.

"Dez!" I backed up as she clutched at her chest, trying to regain her breathing.

My heart rate quickened as it has been a long time since her last panic attack. I grabbed her hand and pulled her out of the bathroom, setting her down on the edge of the bed. I rushed into the small kitchen and grabbed a glass of water. When I came back in, her breathing was slightly under control, but it was still heavy and uneven. I set the water down on her bedside table and I sat beside her, taking her hand in mine.

"Dez, tell me five things ya see. Ya don't have to say 'em. You can point."

She pointed to me, her legs, the water I had just set down, the bathroom door, and the walls.

"Good. Four things ya hear."

Again, she pointed to me, herself, the window, and the bed, as it creaked slightly under her weight.

"Three things ya can feel."

"Y-Your hand, ss-s-sheets, a-and somethin' rrr-runnin' down my back."

"Alright. Two things you can smell."

"L-Like iron and your perfume."

"One thing you can taste."

"Iron."

"Good. Deep breaths with me now," I said and took in a deep breath, holding it for a second, and then exhaling. Odessa followed me for about a few minutes until she bent forward.

"I'm pathetic, Y/N."

"You're not," I said and rubbed her back. "You're human."

"A pathetic human."

"Dez, you are the most amazin' woman I have ever met," I said and kissed her cheek. "And ya have issues like the rest of us. And your PTSD is one of 'em. Along with your depression and anxiety."

She slowly nodded her head.

"That doesn't make ya pathetic."

"I'm a Queen, Y/N."

"And a Queen has 'er off days. A Queen can feel stressed and have mental health and health issues. A Queen is still human."

She shook her head, "B-But I am supposed to be this fearless leader."

"You put that on ya. Along with feelin' like ya have to save everyone. I know it is your duty to look after these people and save 'em when they're in trouble. But you're just one person. One person who can't get to two different places at once. As terrible as this sounds, ya can't save them all. No one can escape death, no matter what. Some people's times are earlier than others. Either intentional or accidental. You can't fault yourself for that. It will be a guilt that will weigh ya down until you can no longer handle it. Until your nightmares, your depression, anxiety and PTSD, until all of those things eat ya alive. I can't watch ya succumb to your demons."

She slowly turned and faced me. A warm smile crawled onto her face as the tears in her eyes were replaced with happier ones. She leaned towards me and placed a kiss to my forehead before she grabbed my hand.

"I love you," she whispered.

"I love you, too. Please, let me know when these things are botherin' ya."

She nodded, "I will. Thank you for bein' 'ere beside me. I'd be lost without ya."

I smiled and pecked her lips a few times before I firmly pressed them against hers.

"I'm always 'ere for you, my queen."

She giggled, "Thank you," she raised my hand up and kissed my knuckles. "My queen."

I shuddered slightly, "D-Don't do that to me, Dez."

"I can't help it," she smiled, pressing her forehead against mine. "I just love ya with my entire heart. I can't afford to lose ya."

"I can't lose ya either in any and all ways possible."

"I ain't goin' anywhere anytime soon. You're stuck with me," she chuckled.

"Good. Because I still need to stitch your wounds."

"Shit right," she turned around.

"I hope ya don't mind me sayin' that," she said after a good period of silence.

"Sayin' what?"

"That you're stuck with me."

"I chose to be stuck with you. I chose to be beside you because," I kissed the back of her neck. "I love you."

She smiled, "I love you, too."