So Little Time (Frerard) *New Version*

12: You're Beginning To Drag The Ones You Love Down

*trigger warning*

Gerard sat by Frank's side in silence, having relocated from his previous position on the bed an hour ago, because Frank kept tossing and turning, and he had seemed to settle down some when Gerard had removed himself from under the covers, so now Gerard was perched on the edge of the mattress nervously, watching Frank with a wary eye as his mind was assaulted by worst case scenarios.

Gerard was falling apart right now, and no matter how hard he tried to hold the pieces of himself together, he was shattering, breaking down under the weight of everything that had happened over the past two weeks, and no one was there to snap Gerard out of his destructive state this time, except Frank, who was currently lost in the realm of sleep, and Gerard couldn't bring himself to wake him, no matter how badly he ached to hear his voice, or to feel his warm arms encircling his waist.

A constant stream of tears had been pouring down Gerard's cheeks for the past thirty minutes, and no matter how many times he wiped them away, two more came to replace the ones he had shed, and Gerard had given up on the pointless effort some time ago, because no one could see him cry, so he didn't have to hide right now.

Gerard just felt so alone, so worthless, so pathetic, and he couldn't stop the slew of self-hatred that was repeating over and over in his head, a never ending mantra that was slowly ripping Gerard to shreds, piece by agonizing piece.

It's your fault

You could have saved him

But you didn't care

If you had only taken him to a doctor sooner

Now it's too late

Why are you watching over him like it will save him?

Stop lying to yourself

Nothing you do will ever help him

You aren't worthy of him

You should be the one dying instead of him

Gerard clutched his aching temples in his hand as he whined low in his throat; the agonizing truth in his thoughts hurt so much, like physical wounds, and Gerard needed to do something to shut them up - now - before he went insane.

But Gerard's usual surefire method for silencing the voices in his head was to drink, and being the recovering alcoholic that he was, Gerard didn't have anything in his house, which left Gerard weak and defenseless as his mind continued to torment him.

Gerard sat there for another fifteen minutes, whimpering softly as the never ending assault continued, growing in intensity with each passing second, until Gerard couldn't take it anymore, and he launched himself to his feet, grabbing his phone before shutting himself in the bathroom so he wouldn't disturb Frank, but he was still close enough to hear him if he called out for Gerard.

When Gerard got like this, and he didn't have any alcohol on hand, he usually turned to the blade, but as tempting as the option seemed right now, Gerard had been clean for almost three months, and he didn't want to disappointment Frank by giving in after so long without, not before doing everything he could to resist that is.

Frank always took the urge away from Gerard, and simply hearing Frank's voice made Gerard forget about the allure of blood running down his arms entirely, but Gerard refused to wake Frank up just because he was so weak, so he turned to the only other person who had always been there when Gerard needed him most.

Gerard dialed his phone with fumbling fingers, pressing the device against his ear once it was ringing, and even though Gerard knew it was late, and the odds of the person he so desperately needed to talk to being awake were slim to none, Gerard had to try before he gave in to his fucked up head.