So Little Time (Frerard) *New Version*

14: Learning To Heal With A Heart Wide Open

Frank woke up alone, to empty sheets, and an aching heart, and the painful realization that Gerard hadn't come back to him, which really fucking hurt, so much so that Frank didn't even want to attempt to move, he couldn't move, because if he did, he would have to own up to his mistakes from last night, and Frank was so afraid of facing Gerard after everything he had said.

Frank regretted his outburst, and even though he had meant most of what he had so thoughtlessly spewed out, he never should have voiced it in such an aggressive manner, and he would do anything to take it back, but it was too fucking late for that, and it was only now that his temper had dissipated that Frank realized what an idiot he had been.

Frank knew mouthing off to Gerard never helped, if anything, it only made things worse, but Frank got so frustrated when Gerard tried to shut him out, and sometimes, he couldn't control himself, but he should have been able to, he should have simply left it alone until the morning when he was thinking more rationally, but Frank wasn't always the most logical person in the world, and it had really come back to bite him in the ass today.

Frank felt exhausted, both mentally and physically, and he didn't feel up to the task of fixing all of this, if Gerard even gave him the chance to that is, but Frank knew that he couldn't put this off, and he would never forgive himself if he didn't set things right with Gerard, because this had been Frank's fault for lashing out.

Gerard was fragile, and he hated harsh words and arguments, and even though Frank had explained in the past that he was never truly angry at him, Gerard didn't seem to understand the fact that Frank needed to let off steam, that every now and then, he needed to yell, or get pissed off, even though it was rare that Frank felt the urge to do so with Gerard.

Gerard's self-harm always set Frank off though, because Frank really fucking hated it, and the only thing that upset him more was when Gerard tried to hide it from him, like he had done last night. Frank was aware that Gerard would probably have told him eventually, because they weren't in the habit of keeping secrets from each other, but that wasn't what Frank wanted.

Frank just didn't understand why Gerard hadn't come to him for help, because sick or not - dying or not, Frank was supposed to be there for Gerard. He wanted to be his lifeline, his protector, and having Gerard take that chance away from him made Frank feel like nothing more than a burden to his boyfriend.

Frank could see why Gerard hadn't woken him up, his reasoning did make sense, but it didn't make Frank feel any better. Just because he had a brain tumor didn't make him useless, not yet anyway, and Frank could already feel Gerard pulling away from him, treating him more as a patient than a lover, and that was what really got under Frank's skin, and what was probably the reason for his unexpected outburst last night.

Not to mention that Frank had been scared, so fucking scared, and Frank didn't know how to react to the overwhelming terror that filled his chest every time he pictured Gerard destroying his perfect skin with a blade, so his first instinct had been to yell, to hide his fears behind a tough persona, and even though that had obviously been the wrong choice, Frank hadn't been able to control himself in the moment.

But for some reason, Frank hadn't been able to put his frustrations and fears into words, and he had ended up hurting Gerard, instead of just telling him why he was so upset, and really, Frank felt like the worst fucking boyfriend in the world right now, and he wouldn't blame Gerard if he never wanted to speak to him again.

But Frank wasn't going to allow that to happen - he couldn't, especially not now, when his time left on this earth was so limited, and he didn't want to waste a second of it. Each minute that passed without Gerard was pointless, so Frank had to go and apologize to him before it was too late.