Mask-An Attack on Titan Fan Fiction

Chapter Twenty-Four

The ceremony began just as the sun was sinking over the wall. The whole courtyard was bathed in a blood red haze, as if spilling the blood of our friends all over again. Each commander of each branch of our military gave a speech, but only tiny bits of each speech sank into my memory.

Panic began simmering in my gut.

What the heck was I getting myself into? Sure, I had told Gunther I would be joining the Survey Corps, but all of a sudden, taking up a position with them seemed a lot more daunting. More than half of the Survey Corps had died on the last excursion outside of the Walls. If I joined, I had such a low chance of survival, but if I stayed with the Garrison, I would undoubtedly live longer. 

I began weighing my options as the Commander of the Military Police began his speech.

Positives for Garrison: I will live longer. I will get food in my stomach. I will be out of Father's reach. Negatives for Garrison: No Gunther. No friends. Everyone else will be with the Scouts.

The more I thought, the more I could see my future adding up before me. The Garrison was the most safe, most logical answer to choose. I had to choose the Garrison, no matter how sick I felt while thinking about it.

The longer I stood there, the more I felt like I was being twisted and squeezed into a narrow tube. The pressure in my lungs curled like a fist, trying to draw every last drop of air from me. The panic in my gut was rising against the asthmatic pressure in my chest.

I tried to close my eyes, trying to wish the pressure away, but I couldn't stop memories from a time parallel to this rushing back to me.

The knife slid out of my hand. I pressed my fingers against the blood trickling down my neck.

Tears burned my eyes. The suffocating pressure lifted as I released a sob, then another, and another, until I was a damp, quivering heap in the alleyway. I simply lay there and cried until every last tear was squeezed out of me.

I sat up, violently wiping the remaining tears off of my cheeks. My brain began whirling. Since I was too much of a coward to take my own life, I had to find a way to never be found. I couldn't let my father find me. Ever.

Before I realized what was happening, half of my hair was littering the pavement around me. My hands were shaking, but I continued to chop and hack at my once long locks.

Once I finished, I ran my hand through my hair. The scarcity of length felt foreign to my fingertips. 

I observed my attire, which was painfully feminine. I sat back against the alley wall, trying to think of a way to find clothes.

The more I thought, the more the option of thievery appealed to me. Sure, the punishment for thievery was death, but I wanted to die anyway. Didn't I?

I crept out of the alleyway, and found the first tailor I could. Within minutes, my job was done. I retreated to the alley like a rat. I changed into the pants and discarded my skirt in the alley for someone less fortunate to use.

I slid my blade into my pocket and took off in the direction of freedom: the gates of Sina.

"You okay?"

I started out of my reverie, only to see Armin looking at me with concern.

"I'm fine," I gasped, "Just kinda freaking out."

He made a move to pat my shoulder, but then snapped back into salute as a lieutenant patrolled by us.

"Me too."

I knew now where I was going to join. I was positive that this choice was the correct one.

Erwin Smith stood up to give his speech.

The sun had been obliterated, leaving behind fragments of itself sparkling in the sky. I looked up at the stars as Commander Smith began to speak. I tried to block his words, just as I had to the previous speakers, but phrases kept swinging around and slapping me in the face.

I turned my attention reluctantly to Erwin Smith. He was listing the egregious statistics of the Scouting Legion; that nearly sixty percent of the Survey Corps had died in the past four years, and that even more would die eventually.

You know what you've chosen, Ilsa, I told myself.

"Anyone not wishing to join the Survey Corps is dismissed," Erwin Smith concluded.

This is the part where you leave. This is the part where you join the Garrison.

People began filing past me. I tried to turn and move with them.

I wasn't moving. I couldn't move. I was frozen by some unknown force, unable to budge.

Inside, I was screaming.

This is not happening! You're supposed to be able to move! Turn around and join the others! Save yourself!

But it was like the ground was clamped down around my feet, refusing to let me go. People were leaving in a blur. I wanted to join them.

The pressure came back. I was gasping for air, trying to move, but failing utterly. I stared into the ground, panicked. My breath came in short gasps.

This wasn't happening. I wanted the Garrison. I wanted to live.

I could see Armin standing resolutely next to me, and farther on, I saw Connie shaking and rocking back and forth.

You are an idiot. There's no going back now.

Everyone else had left to join their respective branches. I stood in my place, trying not to pass out or cry or scream or protest.

Erwin Smith came down off the stage.

"Can you die if you are ordered to?" he asked us.

No! No, I can't!

"I don't want to die!" I heard someone shout.

"I see." Erwin Smith said. "Welcome to the Survey Corps."