Ember Kate

Chapter:: Fourteen

“Did you enjoy the party last night?” Calla asked me around six, she had bed head and just woken up. She looked a little nervous, her eyes flashed to Malc quickly before landing back on me.

“I think I did. I can’t really remember.” I shrug it off, not too concerned with it anymore. If I had done anything embarrassing like taken my top off in the bar, or stupid like sleeping with Tommy, surely I would know by now. But all day, Malc told me play by play of what happened last night and Tommy was a perfect gentleman as far as Malc remember.

“Well that’s great; the bar usually throws great parties.” Calla gets up and pulls out a microwave dinner. Malc was flipping through channels while it looked like he was struggling not to fall asleep. I had wanted to ask him if Locklan was his brother, but I’ve been too scared that he would answer ‘yes.’

I couldn’t explain why I was scared. It’s not like Malc was a horrible guy. I’m pretty sure the worst thing he does is not go to church, and I can’t even give him shit for that because I don’t go either. I could see why Locklan would miss him, if he does. Trying to recall what little information Locklan spoke of his older brother, I wondered if Locklan thought Malc was in college. It certainly didn’t look like he was. But I could be wrong.

“So, um, Malc?” I start off, not sure if I would be able to go through with it.

“Yeah?” Malc answers, looking up from his channel surfing.

“I’m from Beatty, too. Maybe I know your brother? If he just graduated this year, then I was in the same class as him.”

Malc looks over at me for a second before glancing back to the television. “Um, yeah, sure. His name is Locklan. Do you know him?”

There, he said it, he said yes. And the only thing I can think of is denying it, denying Locklan. After everything he has done for me. “He sounds familiar, but I don’t think I’ve talked to him.”

Malc shrugs and continues searching, finally landing on an episode of Scrubs. Calla comes into the room and sits next to Malc with her dinner. She gives him a few bites, and I don’t know what to do with myself.

“You guys, I think I’m going to bed.” I say in what I hope is a normal voice.

Calla looks over at me, “Are you sure? Did you eat dinner already?”

Malc looks over at me now too. “Yeah, I did. Goodnight.” I lie, and I can feel Malc’s eyes burning holes in my back as I shut the door behind me.

~

When I wake up I feel arms around me and I freak out. The only guy in the apartment is Malc, and he would be cuddling Calla, not me. I look down at the tan arms and see a familiar scar on the palm of his hand. It was Locklan who was cuddling me, and I started to close my eyes until I realized Locklan was cuddling me. He didn’t have a very hard grip on me so I slide out easily and settle myself in the corner of the room.

How did he know I was here? I didn’t leave him a hint of where I was. Maybe Malc called him. I thought I played it like I didn’t know Locklan, but Malc could be better than reading people than I thought. I glanced over at Locklan while biting my lip. I missed him a little but I also wanted him to leave. I don’t exactly know why I left, probably for a break, but from him? And the way I was talking, couldn’t he assume that?

I watch his chest rise and fall, the part of where his curls started and how he would need to get a haircut soon unless he wanted his curls in his eyes. I saw the slight freckles splattered on his face, and if I closed my eyes I could see the exact swirl of colors that made up his eyes. His sleeping self I wanted to be curled in a bed with, but when he woke I knew I would yell at him, and we would probably fight. If you asked me what caused this change in attitude, I wouldn’t be able to tell you. It was two days before August and maybe I was bitter because he would be leaving me for college soon.

But I couldn’t openly admit this, because he would fight back with if I wanted a future I would have signed up for college. Then I would have to tell him that it’s not that I want a future and to move on, it’s just that he’s moving on and I feel like I can’t. Like I’m rooted to the spot and even if I wanted to lift my sand filled legs, I would never be strong enough. I’m still watching him, and a few tears start to fall with the thought of I don’t know where he’s going to college. What if he never comes back? I couldn’t live with myself if I held him back from what he was planning on doing, because his high school career was filled with him striving to go somewhere beyond the stone walls of the school while mine were filled with how to just get out of the place, just to say that I graduated. And really in the long run it didn’t make me feel any better to know that I have a diploma somewhere in my house.

I never wondered how my parents would react when they find out. Surely they’ll cry, but for how long? A week? A month? Will they start asking people I went to school with, asking who could’ve helped but never did? Would Locklan find a reason to guilt himself into believing he could’ve done more, been more?

“Locklan,” I whisper. There’s a hitch in my voice and I sink my nails into my palm to keep the tears away. I try whispering his name again, and when he sighs loudly and stretches to show me that he’s awake, I look away from him and pretend I found an interesting spot on the floor.

“Ember?” he sprawls out on the bed, moving his arms over every inch of the bed looking for me. His eyes are still closed and he still has sleep in his voice, I close my eyes and melt in the moment before I have to ruin it. “Ember!” he calls out my name louder, his eyes flashing open. He sits up in bed and looks around before his eyes land on me, and he smiles. He smiles and I die a little inside.

“Over here,” I whisper.

“What are you doing all the way over there?” his tone is clueless as I wrap my arms around myself, holding myself together.

“I told you I needed space, why did you come after me?” I skip straight to the point.

He draws his eyebrows together. “Malc called me; he told me you were here.”

I shake my head and look down; for once I didn’t like Malc right now. “But you didn’t think how I would feel if you came here to . . . to do what? Bring me back? I’m eighteen; my parents won’t miss me too much.”

“Well it’s not your parents who miss you,” he tells me. His eyes a full of emotion and I can’t stare at them.

“Just stop! Fucking stop it. Stop being cute, because I just want out. And it’s not you; I’ve had this problem for a while. I thought if I just left town I wouldn’t want to die anymore. It didn’t work. And I can’t have you here, trying to rescue me. Stop because honest to god I want to be lost, and I don’t want to go back. I don’t need you to pull me back to the start of where I’ll always be and the place that I’ll probably be last, too.”

Locklan is still looking at me with his emotion filled eyes, headstrong and I wasn’t even sure if he’s blinking. I drop my head into my hands and start crying, because I want nothing more than to be with him but I can’t allow myself. Ever since freshmen year it’s been the same tiny voice in the back of my head, and it wasn’t one of those I think I’m crazy voices either. It was one that sounded like me, that thought like me, so why shouldn’t I listen to it?

“You know how everyone at school was known for something? Samantha for being the smartest girl in the grade, Alyssa for being able to sneak anything on campus, Jared for his football abilities? Well mine is never giving up. But, Ember Kate, I think I have to give up on you.” Locklan confesses to me as he stands up, probably wearing the same clothes he wore when he found out I was here. He walks out of the bedroom, and probably out of my life forever.