Out of the Shadows // Sebastian Sallow

Chapter Ninety-Two

I hadn't really spoken to Sebastian all week. He was acting strangely. After his disappointing reaction to my decorating ideas, ignoring me, having the audacity to blame me for us not having sex and then coming home so drunk he stunk up the whole bed with the smell of whiskey and I had to go sleep in the chair, I was none too happy with him.

So, I buried myself in my children and their needs. Charlotte was getting so close to saying something aloud! She would babble nonsensically and it would almost sound like she was trying to yell, "mama!" To get my attention from across the room. But it was more like "AH AH!" But it was good enough for me.

And Junior had another infection, this time in his throat and it took days for him to heal. We did a lot of cuddling and lullaby singing in those days. He was always getting sick and I hated it! Especially when Seb would jump up and run out to J. Pippins or pop over to Feldcroft to Mrs. Jones and get supplies. While I stayed at home. Always at home. It was increasingly frustrating.

I tried to see it from his perspective. Like mum told me to. He thought he was helping. He wanted to show that he cared by getting me whatever I needed to treat Junior. But I would have loved to go just down the street to see Parry and his shop. I missed the world so much! He never even offered me to join. He just went. Quickly. Rushed back. And that was the end of it.

So, I remained in my role. I stopped decorating because it upset him so much the first time. I took down our pictures and I put them all in the closet with the carriage where I also stowed the twins' rocking horses. There was no room for anything else in there now.

The only item I had brought to me from Wales that I still used was the twins' crib. They needed it. They were far too large for the bassinette now and they needed the space. But I didn't hang their mobile. That was left in Wales. And everything else that was our family's, I stuffed in the closet. Like all my tension and anxiety and every other negative feeling I tried to hide.

Anne and Omi never mentioned that I took everything down that I put up. But I could tell Sebastian seemed happier with that. This home was Anne's and he liked to think of it that way. He liked to continue to lie to himself that our home was in Wales. It wasn't. "Our home" didn't exist anymore. We didn't have a home. We were squatters in someone else's home and I was a prisoner. I refused to live in the fantasy world that this would all be figured out, out of nowhere and we would just go back home like nothing ever happened.

I lived in reality. I knew the truth. We were threatened and as long as I was hiding away with my children, there was no catalyst to expose them. They would also remain hidden. So, nothing would be solved. And we would be staying right where we were, in limbo.

But he was still acting differently. I couldn't pinpoint it, but it seemed like he was up to something.

I was slowly letting him cuddle me again. He would pull me by the hips so my back was pressed against his chest, my bum into his hips and he would wrap his arms around me, burying his face in my neck like he always used to. It brought him comfort. It brought me almost nothing. I was completely detached from myself. And I didn't know what to do about it.

Sometimes, when everyone was gone for work and the twins were napping, I'd open the closet and pull out the items. Look at the pictures, run my fingers over the soft fabric and handle of the carriage, stroke the smooth wood of the rocking horses. I would just sit there, in my own little world, remembering the day Anne and I took the twins to Diagon Alley and they made SUCH a mess with the ice cream. And the vegetable vendor in Wales who loved Junior so much and would pinch his cheeks, calling him sweet names in Welsh. Our wedding photos... the one with all four of us laughing... the one where he cradled me in his arms and kissed me on the dance floor... the one where he wiped tears from my eyes after saying his vows to me. The pictures always made me cry. Everything had changed so much since that day. All the possibilities in our faces... those possibilities were gone now.