Listening to Katherine (girlxgirl)

9: It's Okay

Fhac and I were dating for five months now. Gracia, her pet duckling, had turned out to be a male duck. I also found out that a duck's poop smells extremely awful.

At times, I would visit her flat, and all we did was lie down, cuddling. We did random things as well such as how to do a fishtail braid. She didn't know how to do it. And she taught me how to create a chemical structure called carbon 60 made out of beads. It was my project back then.

There were times when we talked about doing it. She would seduce me but would later on say, "When you're eighteen." And I'd get sexually frustrated. It was okay though.

She loved me. I could feel it. It was how she looked at me. There something in it. Her expression was so genuine. Her brown eyes told me. She would bite her lip and tell me how much she wanted to kiss me in public. But I never allowed her to. I was scared to be seen with her. I could never tell everyone that she was my girlfriend.

Fhac was a wonderful woman. She was sincere and she cared about me. I loved her. I truly did. I wanted to tell my friends about her. But I have to be blunt. I was ashamed to be called hers. She was so plain and simple. She was strange as well. Her pet was a duck! Her choices of clothing were odd and she kept wearing those plain, white t-shirt and distressed jeans. It was starting to bother me.

I also had commitment issues. I couldn't date one person for more than two months. Fhac was the only person I had a relationship with that long. At times, I would get bored of her, talking about strange things and strange events. I would tell her that I hate her and that she should leave me because I was too young. Fhac would cry. She would cry in front of me, begging me to stop hurting her. I'd feel guilty. She was always tired and busy, but still had time for me. Yet, I always made her feel insecure about how I truly felt for her.

I'd tell her I was sorry, and she would reply, It's okay.

But I kept doing it, making her feel anxious and hurting her feelings, still, all she would say was, It's okay.

***

"What the fuck iths wrong with you?" Katherine angrily approached me while I was eating lunch. The tutorial program had ended, but she and I remained friends.

"What?" I said while consuming my meal, acting like I didn't care.

"Are you on drugths or thsomething?"

"No, are you insane?" I replied right away.

"Fhacky love you! And you're acting like shit! Idiot! Athsshole! I hate you! Lithsen to me, Shaheera! Fhacky iths one of a kind. She love you. She wouldn't cheat on you. She will never hurt you. Why are you being an idiot? What you're looking for in a girl iths all found in Fhacky. She iths thsweet and kind and generous and mowth of all, she iths hot! Look at you, you're not even half of her impeccable thself! If I were you, I'd think about what I thsaid! You will never find thsomeone like Fhacky!" and she left.

My jaw dropped open. Almost everyone at the dining hall heard that. Some kids knew who Fhac was. They were looking at me in a surprised manner. Gabriela was behind me, and I had no idea. She grabbed my wrist and dragged me away from everyone.

Gabriela was surprised of what she witnessed, but then let out a soft giggle. "Oh my gosh, you have been in a relationship with Fhac, and you never told me."

"I...I..."

Hunter came out of nowhere, panting. "Oh my god, people are gossiping about your sexual orientation."

"What?!" I reacted anxiously. "My parents are gonna kill me."

I was anxious that day. I was scared about the fact of my parents finding out, as well as what people would say to and about me. I was so pale, and I felt like people were spreading bad things about me. I also got worried about what they could've said about Fhac. I didn't blame Katherine for shouting at me, of course. It was my fault anyway. What Katherine told me had me contemplating. I was an awful person.