Listening to Katherine (girlxgirl)

11: Some People Really Needed To Be Avoided

I made a horrible decision. I regretted it the minute my father took me home. I was a terrible person. I hated myself. I only sobbed and sobbed that night. Fhac was all I could ever think about. Everything she told me, everything she and I went through, and every outline of her face were all of the things I could ever think about. And of course, what I did to her: all of it. Particularly, what I did that night. Everything was supposed to be perfect, but I was selfish and immature. I was stupid and impulsive. I was ambitious and choosy. I was arrogant and ignorant. Everything I was, everything I did to her, everything I made her feel, I regretted it. I was ashamed of myself, I couldn't face her again.

I did not know if she wanted to see me. I did not know if she still wanted me. I did not know what her reaction would be if I talked to her. I abandoned her. I only stared at her shivering in the night, while I was figuring out if I wanted a life with her. I had a choice. But I chose my family because they were the ones who could provide for me, Fhac couldn't. But I was wrong, my own father laid hands on me. He only cared about what other people would say to our family if I actually chose Fhac. She was the only person I ever loved, and I let her go because I didn't desire her social status. It was senseless! My mother was right, I was an irrational person.

I did not go to school for days, people were already asking, but I never heard a word from Fhac. She never even emailed me. I felt even more horrible.

I sobbed every night for almost two weeks. I barely ate anything. My mother was the only person who kept checking on me, asking me questions, leaving some food on my desk, but I ignored her. I shut everyone out. My father was pretty much infuriated, I didn't care. I hated him. I fucking hated him!

I smelt horrible. I hadn't taken a bath until Gabriela visited me one afternoon. She looked unhappy. She entered my room and she sat on a chair while I sat on the edge of the bed.

My eyes were swollen, my nails hadn't been cut, and I hadn't changed my clothing for a week. My heart was racing. I wanted to ask Gabriela how Fhac was, but I also didn't want to know how she was doing. I felt edgy. And I wished she never visited me that day.

"How are you?" Gabriela started. She didn't know the entire story.

But I only took a deep breath, and tears began rushing down my face. I couldn't look at her in the eye. All I did was quietly cry in front of her.

She remained in her spot, waiting for me to stop. Gabriela didn't know how to comfort people. At least she was there.

"It was my fault," I said and took a deep breath once more. "My father let me choose. I had a choice, but I didn't choose her. So yeah, I'm a terrible person."

"Do you wanna know how Fhac is doing?"

I couldn't respond immediately. I wanted to know, but the truth hurt me. I thought it through. Gabriela was waiting for my answer patiently. I swallowed a lump in my throat and nodded.

"She's... in the hospital," said Gabriela reluctantly. "Katherine told me."

"Why? What happened to her?"

"She had a fever, cough, and colds, but they said she kept working and working... and... she... uh... couldn't take it any longer. Katherine's parents brought her to the nearest hospital to rest for a while," Gabriela said.

My guilt had gotten even worse.

"And... Katherine said not to talk to Fhac anymore. She said that... Fhac wished it," Gabriela hesitated. "I'm sorry."

Tears had rushed down my face. I couldn't even breathe. I was dying inside. I thought I was going to fall apart. My assumptions were correct. She didn't want to see me anymore.