The Ru Effect

chapter forty nine

River's POV

I pull away from her. The warmth of her body leaves mine, and all at once, the cold rushes back in.

She’s still close, her arms falling to her sides, her chest rising and falling in quick breaths as she wipes the tears off her face. I hate that I’m the reason she’s crying. I hate the way she looks at me right now—like I matter too much.

“Ru…” My voice cracks, and I feel that familiar weight in my chest, the one that presses down on my ribs like a vice. “You should go home. It’s late.”

Her red-rimmed eyes search mine for something—hope, maybe. I don’t know what she’s looking for, but I can’t give it to her. Not now. I don’t have anything left to give. She sniffs again, her hand coming up to swipe at another tear, and I feel like I’m choking on the guilt.

I made her cry.

I made her cry.

“I'm sorry,” I whisper, my voice barely audible. I don't even know if she heard me. I don’t know if I’m apologizing for making her cry, or for what I’m about to do next. “I just... I need to think. I need some time alone.”

Her expression tightens, and I can see her trying to hold back more tears. She looks at me for what feels like a long time, like she's trying to memorize my face, like she doesn’t want to leave but knows she has to.

And the worst part is, I can see the pain in her eyes. The same pain I feel every day, but reflected back at me through her. It feels unbearable.

She swallows hard, nodding. “I’ll be back tomorrow,” she whispers, her voice shaking, before she turns and walks out the door.

The second the door clicks shut behind her, the silence wraps around me like a heavy blanket, smothering me. I stand there, staring at the door for a long time, wondering if she'll come back.

Maybe she won't.

Maybe this will be the thing that pushes her away for good. I’ve seen that look before, that mixture of pity and sadness. It’s the look people give you when they’re starting to realize you’re too much. Too broken. Too hard to fix.

Is she tired of me yet?

I keep asking myself, over and over. Has she figured it out? Has she realized how exhausting it is to care about someone like me? I can feel the walls closing in again, the darkness creeping back in. My chest tightens, and I have to remind myself to breathe.

I feel the weight of her absence like a punch to the gut, but it's better this way, right?

She’ll get tired of me eventually. Everyone does. I’m too much work. Too broken. Too... hopeless. I don't even know why she's still here.

I wonder if she’ll come back tomorrow like she said she would. I wonder if I should end it before she gets the chance. Push her away before she realizes how bad this really is. Before she realizes she deserves better than... me.

But the thought of that—of losing her for real, of her walking away for good—makes something in my chest ache.

I can’t bear it. She’s the only one who’s been able to make me feel something other than this endless, suffocating void, but I’m terrified that once she sees the whole picture, she’ll run. Just like everyone else.

I let out a shaky breath and look down at my hands. They’re trembling.

I don’t know how long I stand in the kitchen, staring at the spot where she stood, replaying every moment in my mind. But then the weight starts to press down again, harder this time. The voices start up, louder now that she’s gone.

You don’t deserve her. You’ll only drag her down. Why does she even care? You’re a burden, River. Just a fucking mess.

The voices get louder. More vicious. They’re inescapable. I can feel them clawing at the edges of my mind, ripping through any sense of calm I had left.

I start walking abruptly, my knees shaking beneath me, and make my way to the bathroom. I don’t even know what I’m doing until I’m there, until my hand reaches into the drawer under the sink and pulls out the razor blade.

It’s still there. The same one I used before she knocked on my door.

I sink to the floor, my back pressing against the cold tiles, the razor blade held between my fingers. My heart pounds in my chest, the sound deafening in my ears, drowning out everything else. The voices scream louder, louder until they’re all I can hear.

You're worthless. You’ll never be good enough. You’ll always be broken. She’s going to leave you, just like everyone else.

I press the blade to my skin. Just enough to feel the sting. Just enough to quiet the voices. I drag it across my wrist, slowly, methodically, watching as the blood wells up and starts to pool on the surface.

It drips onto the floor, bright red against the white tiles.

Drip. Drip. Drip.

The silence that follows is almost immediate. The voices stop. The screaming in my head fades to nothing.

And for the first time in what feels like hours, I can finally breathe. The numbness spreads, not just through my arm but through my whole body. It’s quiet now, so quiet.

I should feel something. Regret, maybe. Or pain. But there’s just... nothing.

I stare at the blood dripping onto the floor, feeling like a part of me is draining away with it. I feel hollow, empty. Like I’m disappearing.

I lean back against the wall, closing my eyes, trying to remember what it felt like when Kobiruo held me.

The way her arms wrapped around me, the warmth of her body pressed against mine, the way she whispered into my chest like I was someone worth holding onto.

But even that memory feels distant now. Fading. Like it belongs to someone else, not me.

I let out a shaky breath, my chest tight and my throat dry.

Kobiruo.

She’s always there, in the back of my mind, even when I try to push her away. Even when I tell myself she’ll leave eventually, she’s still there.

I don’t deserve her. I know, how could I?
While she's happy and full of life I'm barely a shell of myself.