Everything I Didn't Say | 5sos

Chapter 14: Misdirection

8:30 A.M.

Soon enough, I'm back to the where the long night started: Luke's cold bedroom. I stare at the ceiling, replaying the night over and over in my head. I remember Calum's burning touch, Lex's dejected face, and my betrayal of Luke.

The guilt pushes against my heart like a ton of bricks. Luke has been nothing but sweet to since we met, and it only takes me a second to blurt out the secrets he shared.

I decide to tell him early in the morning before Calum gets the chance.

Or you could go home now. Run away like you always do, Apsen.

I jump up from the bed, grabbing my shoes and gathering all my clothes. I shuffle out the room, breathing heavily. I sprint out the door, praying I don't wake Lauren. I start running down the street, when I see Mack's blue bug coming around the corner.

"Dammit," I mutter, as she pulls the car up next to me and grabs my wrist.

"Aspen! What the hell are you doing?"

"What am I doing? What are you doing? Spending the night at a stranger's house without the slightest worry? The Mack I knew would never do anything like that."

"Last time I checked, you spent the night too, Aspen."

"Yeah, but I'm going home. And what are you doing? Buying them groceries? Sleeping with them? Michael isn't even your boyfriend, Mack."

Mack's bottom lip quivers. Her blue eyes stare at me like I'm a stranger.

"Mack, I--" I start, but she's running back to her car and zooming off.

What did you just do? I ask myself. I turn around and walk the rest of the way to the dorm, scolding my self the whole way there.

---

Mack

She's right, of course.

How stupid was I to think that I could just barge into Michael's life and expect to be welcomed right in?

I guess I just thought I was catching a break after a long road of life's bullshit. I figured I'd been trampled by just about everyone at this point, but to be criticized for my naivety by my best friend really topped it all off.

It's not like I don't know I'm naive, if that makes any sense. I know I trust too blindly, and I know I give my heart too soon to people who don't deserve it, but I simply can't help it. A lifetime of feeling alone can do that to a person.

That's exactly what I feel as I haphazardly drive down the streets of Michael's neighborhood, heading to nowhere very quickly. Tears have piled up in the corners of my eyes, and I'm helpless to stop them from spilling over. The morning has just become to much: the off-setting confrontation with my sickening ex, Aspen's rough verbal slap, and the realization that yet again, I've let myself believe a delusion.

Michael probably sees me as the emotional, clingy girl everyone else has told me I am, and there's no reason he shouldn't.

After all, here I am crying for the millionth time over people who I doubt think of me very often like I think of them. I'm an over-dramatic, love-obsessed fool.

A few moments later, those words sink in, and I abruptly swerve to the right and onto the shoulder, rolling to a stop beside the road. I throw open my center console and yank a tissue out of the spare Kleenex box inside. Drying my eyes, I glare at my pathetic reflection in the rearview mirror.

I refuse to continue throwing myself the pity party I've wasted all my time on these past few years. If I want to buy a boy poptarts, I will. Damn you, Aspen, for letting me think that I can't.

I can't possibly be some stupid baggage that Michael is dragging around. There's no reason he'd keep me with him if he didn't feel something towards me, so I plan on making it clear to him what I want.

Feeling a renewed determination, I dig around my purse until I grasp my cell phone and draw it out.

He picks up after two rings.

"Where are you? I woke up a few minutes ago and you weren't in bed. I've been searching all around the house. Is everything alright?" Michael's beautiful voice sounds staticky, since the cell reception is blocked by the enormous oak trees in this neighborhood.

"What do you think about me?" I ask bluntly, ignoring his questions in favor of what's really on my mind. There's silence on the other end of the line for a few horribly torturous seconds.

"Mack, baby, have you been crying? Your voice sounds really choked up." I can hear the very real concern in his voice, and it comforts me to know he cares about where I've been, what I'm feeling. But I still have to know where he thinks we're going.

"Please just answer the question, Michael," I sigh and lean my head against the cool glass of the car window. The sky outside is turning from a pale pink to a soft baby blue.

"You don't know?" Michael asks, sounding genuinely surprised.

"How would I know?" I snap.

"I thought I made it obvious. Mack, I've never met anyone who speaks like you do, or smiles like you do, or hugs like you do. You've had me captivated ever since I laid eyes on your beautiful face. Your very existence is magic to me."

I wonder for a moment if he can hear the gentle smile I tried so very hard to restrain. Yet, my doubt lingers.

"So what am I to you? What are we? I can't be..."

"You can't be what, Mack?"

"Forget it. Stop getting distracted and answer the question."

"What do you want to be?"

I bite my lip. Of course I don't want to tell him what I want to be, but I'm sure he already knows. Michael may be an idiot sometimes, but he's very good at figuring people out. Especially people as simple as me.

"Umm..." My hesitation should make things awkward, but with him it never is.

"I know you hate making decisions, so how about I make this one for you?" I can practically see his grin as he says this, and it's so contagious that I can't help but return it.

"Okay."

"I think you want to be a couple. The real deal. Official. And you know what, Mack?" He's silent for a moment, and I know he's still wearing that adorable smirk. "That sounds fucking perfect."