The Diary of an obsessive idiot(diary 4)

a very interesting and eye catching title

Lil fuck up with my medication, been a miserable few weeks but got it all sorted out today so shit should start getting better.

As per usual I'm going to talk about my obsessive nature towards people/ a person. Throughout my past experiences I've latched on to a specific person, kind of like a form of codependency, I always thought this emotional attachment was affection or even love, but now while I'm in the right mental state with my right meds it's as though my brain stops all this fog and static that's persisted through my entire existence, the brief respites i would get in the silence have become my norm, it's freeing in a way i'm not quite used too.

currently with this Lil screw up I've been obsessing again, which by the way had almost completely stopped when I started taking a higher dose of my right medication.

I now realize this obsession isn't exactly love, it's closely related and intertwined with it, but sometimes it feels more like a twisted desire to not be alone, the need to lean on someone to prevent me from sinking into the depths that is my psyche, i don't really know words can't really represent what it feels like, it's weird.

With all that's said it's not like I forget about the people my obsessive nature had entangled itself with, they're still there and I care deeply about them, but I had realized a long time ago that I need to let go. it's not like i want to let them go, i really do care about these select people, but in reality i feel they don't feel the same, and that's fine it's their right i'm not entitled to their friendships but at some point a one sided relationship/friendship has to collapse. i honestly don't want to let go, i want to cling to those i care about, it's like the dive into water, its scary, it makes your heart pump and flutter, but dreams and memories won't build my future, not that I have much of a future in store lol. Anyways I'm rambling at this point what else has been going on with me...

It's nearly my 21st which'll be fun, got no major plans, going to see a movie with a friend, she going to fuckin hate it but she can suck it up for a Little bit. the girls at work are intent on throwing me a party on my last shift before my birthday, i really dont want to happen, but to be completely honest it kind of makes me happy that someone who's not my blood or family cares, it's a rare thing for me. Going to have to have dinner with nan and pop, managed to get a joint birthday dinner for my brother and me, so I don't have to do two outings, he's turning 23... fuck I feel old, how am I an adult? Anyways... that's pretty much all the birthday stuff.

Work cut my shifts the fucks, I get that they have slightly less appointments throughout this winter, but how do you go from needing one of us 5 days a week to 2 days a week? We charge a fair bit in comparison to others around us, although we arguably have better service and capabilities, but that's just my opinion.

Also one of my favorite hobbies/collectables is almost certainly dead so that sucks, the amount of money I have in sets and items is ridiculous, and yes I know that's my fault for wasting my money in stupid collectables shut up.

Schools on break at the moment so that's nice, although week 2 of the new term we have a role play assessment so that's going to be a nightmare but it's whatever, ive got to do it so i need to get it over and done with.

One last thing, how the fuck does a dinosaur figure cost $800-$1300?! Who the fuck pays for that shit? I want it so bad but I'm not selling my kidney for a fucking figure.

Anyways it's 10:44pm as of writing this so I'm going to go, peace out cunnies.

wrote this shit last night, edited it slightly so it's more coherent and i can actually express myself, the rest of the rambling about random shit i just left cause its to much effort lol.