Within My Mind I Suffer

∂αy тωσ

As the features of his face became clearer, I sat up with a start. I frantically tried to put more distance between us, nearly falling off the bed in the process. I looked at him with wide eyes. It's him. I thought to myself. It- no, it's not him, but the resemblance...

Alexander looked at me with a confused expression on his face. "Hey, are you-" he began to say, reaching out with his hand.

"Get away from me." I whispered, bringing my knees under my chin and wrapping my arms around them; making myself as small as possible.

"Hey..." He said, reaching out again.

"GO AWAY!" I screamed, looking him in the eyes.

That stopped him in his tracks and even made him back up a few feet. Good. I took full advantage of this moment. "Leave. Right now. I don't need your help and mark my words, if you do not let me out of here by tomorrow, I will find a way out." I said with venom in my voice. I shifted until my back was turned to him and listened for the satisfying click of the door as he left the room.

I sat there for what seemed to be ages, but turned out to only be thirty minutes. I slowly stretched out my numb legs and shivered when my feet touched the cold floor. I looked up at the little square window and determined that it was about sunset. I walked about my room, running my hand against the walls. It was all smooth until one of my fingers dipped into a little crevis. I felt the wind coming through and realized it was a hole probably made by a previous patient in a fit of rage. I knelt down to see if I could see anything and gasped in surprise. There was a large garden with a fountain in the middle. The hedges were well over my height and dotted with roses; yellow, red, white and even the rare blue. I closed my eyes and could just make out their sweet smell. Tears started prickling my eyes before I crumpled to the floor, letting out small sobs.

Memories flashed behind my eyelids like an old cinema projector.

There was my dad, holding a red rose bush that was just starting to bud, telling me to be gentle with it before handing it to me while he dug up the hole. After he was content with the hole he created, he eased it from my hand and placed it in ground. We both worked on filling it in and when we were done, he grabbed my hands and faced me with his slightly dirtied face and smiled.

"This is our little rose bush, Fawn. And as long as we take care of it, it will grow with each passing year, just like you. And one day, when I'll be walking you down the aisle, I'll pick the biggest red rose I can find on our bush and pin it in your hair. Within it will be the seed that you plant with your own family."

I looked back at him with the big, curious eyes of a five year old listening intently to the fairytale- like story. I smiled at the idea and hugged him.

My heart lurched in my chest at the memory. How stupid I was to believe such a thing. All those hopes and promises were destoryed in one night by the dreaded fire. The fire that killed my dad as he tried to save us. I was the last to get out as he dropped me out of the second story window and into the awaiting arms of my mother. I looked up in time to see him mouth I love you and then see the house shatter before me as it blew up. The last thing I saw as my mom ran away from the house was our rose bush burning.

My wrist started to itch with the familiar desire to cut. But I had nothing to cut with which only caused me to panic. I scratched at my wrist feverishly, trying to dig my nails into it as much as I could. Shivers went up and down my spine as I scratched harder, red marks beginning to show themselves in the dimming light. It wasn't enough, but it would have to do. I did it until I could no longer see in front of me as the tears flooded my eyes. I finally stopped and laid there, pressing my hands against my face in hopes of blocking out the memories and feelings. Eventually, my eyelids became too heavy and the sweet darkness of sleep overwhelmed me.