Broken But Strong (Bucky Barnes fanfic)

2. Bucky Barnes, actually

Alice's alarm went off and groaning she turned it off. Girl got out of her bed and started to get ready for the day. After the shower, she put on black&white baseball tee, black jeans, black 'Vans', her favourite black watch and left her hair down. For breakfast she made eggs, bacon, toast and white coffee. She quickly washed the dishes and went to the corridor for her leathet jacket, on the way plugging in her earphones and putting on her playlist on a shuffle mode. Alice took her sunglasses, wallet, keys and was ready for her day.
Steve and Bucky lived in a twenty minute walk from her and decided to walk there as it was sunny and actually nice weather that day in New York. Her phone buzzed and she took it out of her pocket and saw that Steve was calling her.
"Yes?" Alice picked up.
"Hi, I don't want to bother you, but if it's not too much trouble could you buy some more hot chocolate and mini marshmallows?" Steve sheepishly asked.
"Of course. Is that all or you need something else?" girl looked on both ways on the street before crossing it to reach a grocery store.
"No, that's all."
"Okay, I'm on my way and I'll be there in like fifteen minutes," she looked at her watch, entering the shop.
"Oh, okay. See you then."
"Yeah, bye," Alice hung up and walked down the aisle after mini marshmallows and then went after the hot chocolate.
She payed for that all and continued her walk to Steve's apartment. When girl had finally reached it, she knocked on his door and, while waiting, paused the music.
"Hi," man opened his door widely.
"Your order, sir," playfuly saluting, Alice gave him the shopping bag and took off her jacket.
"How much I owe you?" he went to the kitchen, smiling.
"How about a 'thanks'?" she followed him, taking a look in the living room, but finding it empty.
"No, I'm serious," blond turned to her.
"So am I."
"Okay, fine. Thank you," Steve rolled his eyes.
"You're welcome. So I'm gonna call Billy today and arrange time for borrowing the stuff," Alice leaned against the table.
"Okay. For how long you'll be gone?" he began to prepare the waffle batter for breakfast.
"If I leave in the morning and everything goes smooth, then I should be back by the afternoon."
"Who's Billy?" Bucky asked, showing up in the kitchen out of the blue.
Both Alice and Steve spun around as their Agent's and soldier's instincts kicked in.
"Bucky, don't sneak up on people. I alsmost got a heart attack," girl exhaled, running a hand through her hair.
"I'm sorry. Good morning," brunet sat on a chair beside the table.
Alice has been going to Bucky every day for two weeks now. He wasn't glaring at her like a predator anymore and even greeted her. But still he didn't really trust her. He was remembering things, but most of them were about HYDRA.
Both Steve and Alice were happy for his progress. Captain was working on his manners while Alice was explaining and showing him how to work with electronics and started to introduce with history since the end of the First World War. She took it because it was literally his childhood.
"Good morning," Steve and Alice answered in unison, making them smile.
"So, Billy is Agent of SHIELD. He has an identical brother Sam who is also an Agent. People usually got them mistaken. They have different duties and can be contacted whenever you need something. Both are pretty cool, you should meet them sometime," Alice finally answered to Bucky's question.
"And what stuff you need?" brunet continued.
"Information about 'Howling Commandos' from the very beginning. I thought you might be interested," girl sat on the opposite side of table and shrugged.
Bucky didn't mind her being distant she always was with him. But he could never understand why Alice never questioned about his bionic arm or didn't want to touch it. But also that made him feel a bit normal. It almost looked like she didn't care about that.
"Yes, I am," brunet nodded.
"So, then I guess I have a call to make," she smiled and went to the living room, on the way taking her phone and finding Billy's number in her contacts.
"How did you sleep?" Steve asked.
"As usually," Bucky shrugged.
"Do you want to help or watch TV?"
"With what I can help?"
Steve smiled and explained what to do.
"Billy Koenig," after few signals he picked up.
"Hi, it's Agent Alice Scott. Clearance code - Alpha Echo 749802.
"Oh, hello Agent Scott. How can I help you?"
"Can I borrow some files about the 'Howling Commandos'? I'm working with Mr. Barnes."
"Sure. But you have to find them on your own."
"What you mean with 'on my own'?"
"There're plenty of boxes down in the basement and I have other duties as well."
"Okay, it's not a problem. When can I step by?"
"Whenever you want. Even now."
"Oh, okay."
"I'll send an Agent to pick you up."
"Okay, thanks. Bye."
"Goodbye, Agent Scott," and with that he hung up.
Alice went back to the kitchen and saw both men preparing breakfast.
"Okay, I'm going there soon. No, more like now," she frowned, reading the message that the Agent will be there in a few minutes.
"Now?" Steve raised one eyebrow, but Bucky remained emotionless.
"Yep, gonna call when heading back. Bye, boys," she put on her jacket and went out.
Alice went down the stairs and out on the busy street. Man with short, brown hair and five o'clock shadow was leaning against a black car.
"Alice Scott?" he stepped away from it.
"Yes," she nodded.
"Lance Hunter," he extended his hand girl shook it.
"Nice to meet you, Agent Hunter," she smiled.
"Just Hunter," he opened the passenger side's door for her.
"Thanks," Alice got in and put on the seatbelt.
"How did you get there so fast?" she asked once man got in and began to drive.
"I was nerby. Have we met before?" Hunter frowned, his British accent making her smile.
"I don't know, maybe. SHIELD was pretty big. And I like your accent."
"Thanks. Not everyone approves that. Sorry for being nosy, but I heard you work with the Winter Soldier."
"He's not the Winter Soldier anymore and his name is Bucky Barnes. And yes, I work with him."
Alice and Steve as well hated that people refered to Bucky as the Winter Soldier. It was the past and they wanted for others to understand it that he's not HYDRA's puppet anymore and is a free man with his own free will.
"Okay, sorry, and what exactly are you doing?"
"Help to adjust him to life in this century, answer his questions, help catching up with things and try to get his memories back."
"And how that all is going?"
"Well, I'm not sure how much I can tell, so I'll better stop there. No offence, but I don't want to get in trouble."
"No, I get it."
"So what are you doing?"
For rest of the drive he told about Coulson's team and they talked about other things too. Sometimes Alice even thought that Hunter was speaking with British accent to make her melt. Well she liked his accent for real, but apparently that didn't really affect her that way. No, he was a nice guy, but she just hated that most of the men try to flirt with her.
"So here we are," he stopped in the garage.
"Seems pretty nice," Alice said, taking a look around and getting out of the car.
It was built of bricks and had the aura of great history.
"Hello, Agent Scott," Billy was coming towars her.
"Hi, Billy," she smiled.
"No, I'm Sam. Billy is shorter. And he left for some business," they shook hands and older man lead her through many halls, with Hunter right by her side.
"Wow, this place is amazing," her eyes were widened in awe.
"Yeah, it's has pretty good extanted," Hunter smiled.
"So, it's here. Take as much time as you need. Good luck," Sam opened metal doors and motioned inside.
"Thank you," Alice smiled and went in, but only to be stopped by the amount of boxes and racks.
"What are you looking for?" Hunter asked.
"Information about the 'Howling Commandos'. And you don't have to help me, I'll be okay," girl tried to understand with which row to start.
"It's okay. I have nothing better to do anyways. So which year?"
"Let's start with 1944."
"Well, then this way," man lead her towards the sidewall, gently putting his hand on her back.
Hunter stayed on the other side of the rack and they both went down the aisle checking the notes on the boxes.
"This might be the right one," after a while man said, pulling out a box with 'Howling Commandos' written on.
"Great," Alice was about to turn around when her attention caught a box with 'Barnes, James B.' written on it and without hesitation she took it.
She carried it to the table that was in the middle of the room. Hunter had set his box on it and was waiting for her. Alice took of its lid.
"A lot of papers," he frowned.
"Did you expect a flashdrive or a tablet?" girl raised one eyebrow.
Hunter started to laugh and took the first manila folder. Alice read the markings on each folder, but didn't find anything that would contain information about its members.
"Where are the person files?" girl looked up.
"They all are digitalised, so you'll have to print out a copy."
"Okay, where I can do that?"
"Upstairs. We can do that when heading back. But maybe let's go back to look for more."
"Sure."
They went back to and kept looking for more. But then Alice's phone started to buzz and she pulled it out of her pocket.
"Yes?" girl picked up.
"I have a party tonight and you're invited," Tony stated.
"Umm, can I call you back later?"
"It's not discussable."
"Yes, it is and I'll call you later, Tony," Alice rolled her eyes and hung up.
"Boyfriend? Sorry for being nosy," Hunter peeked over boxes.
"No, a friend," she shook her head and went to the next rack.
They had checked about half of the racks, but found nothing more.
"And how about the Winter Soldier?" Hunter went in the aisle where Alice currently was.
"No one really knew about him. He was like a ghost - precisely did his assignment and 'stood out of the daylight'. Yes, there were rumours about him and few interactions, but nothing more. And do you know why?" she crossed her arms on her chest and leaned agaist the rack, standing opposite the man.
"No," he shook his head, stuffing his hands in his jeans pockets.
"HYDRA kept Bucky in a cryo when they didn't need him. Just like you put away a toy when you get bored with it. And when he had been out of it for a while to do their dirty job again, he started to remember things and questioned orders. And you know what else he got in return? Beating, abusing and torturing. He was being punished that way for caring and being a human with feelings and emotions. They took away everything from Bucky - identity, free will, control of himself and future. He never asked for being turned into a killing machine, for being made. He was HYDRA's slave, a puppet and they pulled the strings all the time. And now try to think about Bucky as a malefactor again."
There was a complete silence for a while. Hunter tried to wrap his head around what he had just heard.
"How do you know that?" he asked.
"I'm afraid I can't tell that. And I should go back. Looks like we won't find anything else," Alice went back to the table and was about to take the boxes.
"Allow me," Hunter took them and lead her back to the main room.
The way back there was in a silence as man still couldn't believe in what he had heard.
"Skye, do you mind printing out 'Howling Commandos' members' files?" man asked to a young woman with brown hair.
"Sure," she turned back to a computer and quickly typed something.
Alice took a look around the pretty modern room.
"So, are you the new team member or something?" Skye asked, putting the sheets in a manila folder.
"No, I just needed some old information."
"Wait, you're the one who's assigned to work with the Winter Soldier."
"Bucky Barnes, actually."
"What is he like?" she handed Alice the folder.
"Curious. And thank you," girl smiled.
"No problem," Skye shrugged.
Alice and Hunter went back to the garage. Once there, girl put the manila folder with person files in the 'Howling Commandos' box.
"What's in there?" man pointed at the other box.
"I don't know. It says that it belongs to Bucky Barnes," she shrugged and got in the car, calling Steve.
"Yeah," he picked up.
"I'm going back."
"Okay, did you get something?"
"Yeah."
"Okay, see you then."
"Bye."
Alice hung up and decided to call Tony later, not in the car. On the way back, they kept talking about themselves, getting to know eachother better.
"Well, thank you for the company today," girl turned to Hunter before getting out of the car.
"No problem," he shrugged and also got out of it.
"You sure you don't need help?" man asked, pointing at the boxes.
"I don't want to sound rude, but I'm not that helpless," Alice took them, laughing.
"No, it's fine. Well then see you around sometime," Hunter shut the door and leaned against the car with his hand.
"Yeah, bye," she smiled walking backwards.
"Bye," man went around his car and got in.
Alice went in the building and up the stairs to Steve's apartment. She pressed the boxes against the wall, supporting with her knee and knocked on the door. After few seconds she heard a footfall and Steve opened the door.
"You should have texted or something and I'd have gone downstairs," he took the boxes from her and went back in.
"Not a big deal," Alice shrugged, going in and closing the door behind her.
"Wait, why I don't know anything about this?" Steve shocked asked from the living room, while girl hung up her jacket and slipped out of her sneakers.
"Like you didn't know SHIELD has more secrets than you can count. Hi, Bucky," she went in the living and smiled to the brunet.
"Hi," he said, turning to face them.
"What's in it?" blond asked.
"I don't know. It belongs to Bucky so I didn't open it," she shrugged.
"What belongs to me?" Bucky frowned.
"This," Steve gave him the box and took off the lid of the other.
Brunet hesitantly opened it and looked at its content.
"Is that all really mine?" Bucky gingerly whispered, flicking his gaze between Steve and Alice.
"Yes, and there's information about the 'Howling Commandos'," Alice pointed at the other box.
But the brunet didn't hear that. He took out the dark green hat, which was on the top, and looked at it, trying to reach and not let go the feeling of the so familiar garment. Memories of him walking in an alley, where skinny young man was getting beat up, them going to 'Stark's Expo' with girls and that man, which he recognizes as Steve. Him hugging his friend, who wants to try to enlist in army once again. Then both of them sitting in a bar, but Steve being taller and muscular, and wearing an uniform.
Bucky let the hat and it fell on his lap. Man closed his eyes and sucked in a shaky breath. His head was pounding and beads of sweat rolled down his temples.
"It's okay, Buck. You can take look at the rest of the things later. Don't push yourself, okay?" Steve crouched down in front of him to the same eye level, gently squeezing his shoulders and not taking his eyes off his friend.
"I'm okay. Just..." Bucky sighed and leaned forward to rest his forehead against blonde's shoulder.
Steve sat on the edge of the couch and hesitantly wrapped his arms around his friends shoulders. Brunet tensed a bit at first, but wrapped his right arm around Steve's torso, keeping his left arm on his lap, not wanting to hurt his friend.
"It's okay, Buck. You won't hurt me," blonde smiled, being beyond happy for his friend's progress, and his smile grew even wider when brunet wrapped his bionic arm around his torso.
He was a bit mad that no one had told him about Bucky's belongings in SHIELD's base. But also he was so thankful to Alice that she actually found it and took it here.
Girl was sitting in the armchair and with manila folder on her lap, with eyes widened in awe, reading and holding such an important piece of history.
Bucky pulled away and put on the hat, tilting it on the right side.
"You always used to wear it that way," Steve shook his head, smiling brightly.
"Sergeant James Barnes, 107th," brunet seriously said, but his lips stretched in a smile for the first time in many years.
Alice looked up and saw that. It was a small smile, but still. Their eyes met and she smiled at him.
"Can I?" Captain pointed at the box.
"Yeah," he took off the hat and put it back on his lap.
Steve took a set of dogtags, which he never expected to find there as he thought his friend was wearing them all the time. He handed them to Bucky and he read the imprint before putting them on and under his hoodie.
"These are your parents and your sister," blonde gave him a black-and-white photo.
Bucky frowned trying to get the feeling of familiarity looking at photo, but felt nothing. His own family seemed like strangers no matter how hard he focused.
"It's okay, Buck. You'll remember, I promise. But just don't push yourself too hard, okay?" Steve put his hand on his left shoulder.
"And the rest of them?" brunet motioned to the photos.
"Oh, well that's you and me before the war. You were my only friend actually. And this is your aunt," he gave the photos to him.
Alice's heart sunk, hearing that Bucky was Steve's only friend. She couldn't believe how someone could turn down such an amazing man like him. He had a heart of gold, was kind and cared about his friends like it would be his family. He always stood up against bullies and even helped random strangers.
"Oh, my God, Buck! No, you... How?!" Steve was holding a some kind of roll.
"What is it?" Alice raised one eyebrow.
"God, I thought I'll never have to see this again," blond shook his head.
"What?" Bucky frowned.
"No," Captain whined, unrolling it and revealing a poster.
"Hot damn, Steve," Alice went over to him and looked over his shoulder.
"That's you?" frown didn't leave Bucky's face.
"Yes, and I don't want to know how did you get it," Steve's face was red in shame and head hung low.
"But that way you became who you are now. Otherwise you'd never go to 107th and wouldn't find out that Bucky was captured along with other men. Yeah, shitty costume and everything, but give yourself some credit," she wrapped her arms around his shoulders from behind and kissed his head.
Steve squeezed her hand, that was resting on his chest and rolled back the poster. Alice rubbed his shoulders and looked in the box.
Bucky took the razor and watched as the light reflected from its blade, trying to remember it, but was at the same dead end as with photos.
"What are these?" brunet looked up, holding three films.
"These are films. I don't know what's in them. To see them we need a special equipment," Steve explained.
"Where can we see them?"
"I don't know," blond shrugged.
"Ask Tony. He has a lot of stuff so probably he can find a solution for this too," Alice bit the inside of her bottom lip.
"Yeah, maybe," blond scratched the back of his neck.
From the bottom of the box, Bucky took a map and manila folder which was the last of its content. With black letters was written on 'James Buchanan Barnes' and under that was a red, big stamp saying 'DECEASED'. He wanted to see what's in it, but couldn't get the courage. He didn't know why so even though man wanted to get back his memories and know about himself as much as he can. Maybe it was the understanding that even with all of his memories he will never be the same James Buchanan Barnes he was before he fell off the train? Maybe it was the wish of starting over as he has this chance? Bucky put the folder back in the box and unfolded the map. There were lines, miniature flags and dots.
Both Steve and Alice saw his hesitation, but understood that he needs time. Seeing the content of this box was already much and he was doing really well not breaking under the pressure of memories.
"What's this?" brunet looked up.
"It's a map. These dots were HYDRA's bases and these were front lines," Steve explained, drawing with his finger between the dots and along the lines.
"Okay," Bucky nodded and started to put things back in the box.
"So, anyone is up for lasagna?" blond ran his hand through his hair and stood up.
"Yeah," Alice nodded.
Bucky nodded as well, not taking off his eyes of his new-found belongings. Steve went to the kitchen and girl stood up as well.
"C'mon, Bucky. Don't be a loner," she softly said and extended her left hand.
Brunet hadn't waited such a gesture and in disbelief looked up at her. He hesitany slid his calloused hand in her's soft and small one, compared to his, and stood up. Alice gently squeezed his hand, brushing his knuckles with her thumb, leading him to the kitchen. Bucky felt his heart starting to beat faster and a weird feeling was in his stomach. But he didn't want to let her hand when they were in the kitchen and girl noticed that, so she kept holding his hand and gently rubbed circles with her thumb on his knuckles. Even though they were holding hands, Alice kept her distace, which Bucky didn't mind at all.
He found something soothing in this so simple gesture. He felt peaceful and relieved, that she wasn't afraid of him, of his metal arm and infamous past being called the Winter Soldier - the ruthless assassin. Bucky knew that Alice was aware of his strenght, skills and reflexes, and he was beyond happy and thankful that both Steve and girl accepted him by who he currently was, not saving encouraging words and paying all of their attention to him. It was something new to him like the rest of the things that had been happening in the last weeks. He felt truly needed and respected - something that hadn't happened in a long time.
Steve looked at his friends, who had leaned against the table holding hands, and his lips stretched in a smile.
"So, Tony called me today and told about his party," Alice spoke up.
"Yeah, me too. Go and have fun," blond looked over his shoulder.
"Actually I was going to tell you the same."
"No, I'm not going."
"Yes, you are. C'mon, Steve. You haven't met the team for a while and I heard from Tony that Thor is kinda missing you."
"And Bucky?"
"I'll stay with him. It's not like we're gonna get in trouble. C'mon, Bucky. Say something."
"Go, Steve. I'll be fine," and brunet smiled again.
"You sure?" Steve raised his eyebrow.
"Yeah," brunet nodded.
"Like really sure?"
"Yes," Bucky rolled his eyes.
"Okay," blonde nodded and started to order Alice and Bucky around the kitchen to prepare the lasagna. Girl texted Tony that she is sorry and won't be in his party, to which she received a response that he's counting on her for a day in his lab.

---------A/N--------

Hi, I'd really appreciate your thoughts and suggestions. And don't forget to vote ;)
~Undi