Stork (SVU Fanfic)

Chapter Seventeen

I open my eyes to see people. Younger people that I thought were at their grandmother's.

I slowly release myself from Elliot's grasp to stand up and talk to them. The first one to comment on anything is Maureen. "Your hair's a mess."

"And your breath, damn," Kathleen says in passing, jokingly.

"Seriously," Dickie replies.

"Can we not focus on that?" I hear Lizzie snap. "There's other issues. Like the fact I'm starving," she ends in a joke.

"When I get to see my baby maybe I'll make you guys something," I warn. Why aren't they asking where I was? Oh god, have they all lost it? I know I did.

"He's right here!"

I turn and take Eli in my arms.

"Wivvie!"

I feel tears in my eyes as he says that so excitedly. "Hi, I missed you," I tell him quietly.

"You weft!" Eli informs me. It makes the guilt resurface.

"I know," I tell him. "But I'm here now. And I'm not going anywhere."

I snuggle him close, getting over my threat of tears, then ask, "what does everyone want?"

And of course, the unanimous vote is "Pancakes"! because apparently, I make amazing pancakes. Or maybe I just give no fucks and make everyone their favorite kind. All of the girls like blueberry pancakes with strawberries on top. Dickie likes his plain, and Eli eats whatever I give him. I eat whatever's left. I make sure there's extra so Elliot can have some.

We all sit at the table and, at least I, brace for the conversation I know I'm gonna have with them. I left them. I abandoned them. And I swore I'd never do that. If they came to me ever I would watch for them. Care for them. And I didn't.

I figure it's best if I start the conversation, so I do, by saying, "I know it's probably really weird, coming home to finding me here...like that...but-"

"I think I speak for everyone when I say I've been waiting to come home and find you there, Liv," Maureen says. "We all missed you."

That makes me so happy but feel so guilty at the same time. They actually missed me. And cared about me in general.

"I-I know," I choke out quietly. "I just...I don't...I had to have se time to myself. To think. But I know it really didn't take any time to think about anything. I want to be there for you guys. But I was scared."

"Scared of what?" Lizzie asks sincerely.

"I...don't know," I admit. "Letting my myself be...not alone. Open. Honest. Different than what I used to be."

"You had nothing to be scared of, Liv. We all were and are here for you. Like you were for us. That's the way family works."

I guess, as long as I'm being truthful with them here, I can be truthful about everything. "I never had a family," I tell them. I've been alone my whole life. Never had a mom or a dad that cared much about me. No sibling to watch out for or be watched by. I...I survived my childhood and I'm living life the best I can right now. This last year or so has been crazy. I don't want it like that anymore. I want to be happy. Like I used to be with you guys."

Everyone has empty plates, not bothering to eat more. Or say anything else, for that matter. I take that as the cue to stand and start gathering plates. Everyone protests and makes me sit. "I got it!" they all fight to say.

Kathleen, who's been the quietest all morning, and has no plates in her hands comes over and huge me from behind. I feel her chin on my shoulder, but only focus on what she says.

"You're here now. Nobody's letting you leave again. Remember that."

I nod and accept her squeeze. I know. I'll never want to leave ever again.

Soon enough Elliot is awake, and he eats the last couple of plain pancakes left on the plate. Work and school for the younger ones today, so that sucks. But I'm definitely in a much happier mood now. After all the kids leave, I decide to make an exit too.

"I'll see you later," I say, slipping on my shoes.

"Where are you going?" Elliot asks.

"Work..." I respond, as if it's obvious. Well, it is.

"Unless it's SVU, you're not going anywhere."

"I work computer crimes now, remember?" I remind him. But he takes me by the wrist.

"You're going back to SVU. If you deserve anything in this world anymore, it's your job back.

I guess there's no stopping him. He drags me out to how car and we drove back and park where I used to every. Single. Day. I feel a bit of heat by my eyes but I won't let myself cry.

When we get up to SVU's floor, Elliot makes me walk in infront of him. I look to my old desk, and there is now another man in my place. He looks up and smiles at me. He stands.

"Hi, I'm-"

"She isn't a vic," Elliot interrupts. "Cap in yet?"

"Yeah, got here about 5 minutes ago."

Elliot nods and we walk to Cragen's office together.

He looks up and a grin goes across his face.

"Well shit, I never thought I'd see you around here again," Cragen says.

He gets up and I meet him for a hug. He's the closest thing to a father I ever had. So important to me. And I quit his squad because I was selfish.

"Welcome back, Liv," he says before I get a chance to say anything.

I get a comfortable, warm feeling from him saying that. I get to work with the people I want to work with. Do the work I want to do.

We all hear a slight knock at the door, turning to see whoever was sitting at my desk.

"Hey, Cap, we just got a call about a vic at Bellevue," he says.

"Is anyone else in yet?" Craven asks.

He shakes his head.

"I'm on it," Elliot says. "We'll be back."

I nod and turn back to Cragen. "Who is that?"

"Nick Amaro. Elliot's...for now..."

"It's his partner. I know. I can handle that."

But honestly, I can't handle that. Benson and Stabler. Benson and Stabler. That's the way it is - was, I mean. That's the way it was. And now it isn't. I could've held onto that.

Why am I so stupid?!?!

"You'll be with Fin for now," Cragen tells me lightly.

"Okay," I whisper, nodding. "Any cases?"

"Just the one Stabler and Amaro are looking in to now."

"Okay. I'll be back."

"Are you okay, Liv?"

Is that even a valid question? "Yeah," I reply. "I'm fine."

I rush up to the roof, hoping nobody watched me. I just need to...to...

No. I can't cry. Why would I even feel like crying? I have my family and my job. What else do I want?

The answer is almost too simple:
What I can't have.