Perfect Redemption

Seven: In Which He's In Trouble And It's Her Fault

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[ J A X ' S P O V ]

I have the same nightmare again.

I don't even think it's a nightmare anymore-I've grown so used to it that I just think of it now as a flashback. A memory in my life. A memory that I very much want to suppress. But my mind is never in sync with my heart-whatever I will it to do, it just shoves a middle finger at my face and say 'fuck you' before doing the exact opposite of what I want.

Even Jax Deneris fucking hates Jax Deneris.

Mind fuck right there.

I get out of bed, throwing my covers away and head to the bathroom to clean up. For some weird reason, I keep hearing this muffled noise-click, click, click, click-and it just keeps repeating over and over, echoing my ears. I try not to think too much of it as I slip into a black T-shirt and jeans, then head downstairs for some breakfast.

My eyes quickly glaze over the place where I stood last night with Blaire. A smile threatens to tug on my lips as our conversation replays in my head. I had been so sure that she hated my guts after the observation she made about me looking at her with pity. I don't deny that I did-it was purely instinct. I didn't think she would be offended by it. But the way she looked when she caught me staring at her like that...

I wanted to burn in my own fire.

Because she looked absolutely devastated.

I can tell she's from a different world than me. I came from a privileged life, even though my household is a little bit fucked up. But I had everything I wanted. I didn't need to worry about money.

I live life in the moment.

This girl... this girl didn't have a choice.

I don't know what happened to her but I know it must have been bad. So bad that she can't handle someone looking at her with pity. Because she has gotten a lot of those kind of looks before.

I've been trained to recognize pain. I saw it in Sienna... and now I saw it in Blaire. It consumes you, feed on you, until there's nothing left inside of you. You're left with a hard shell, an unbreakable exterior, a shelf to hold yourself because there's barely anything left to keep you from falling apart.

Blaire has walls. Impenetrable walls.

But last night, I think I made progress. Just a little bit. I caught her lurking in the shadows when I was having some alone time with my Corona, and when I called her out, I expected her to retreat. To leave.

But she didn't. She joined me. And the conversation that followed after was... decent, to say to the least. There wasn't angry banter or teasing involved. I didn't really want to fuck her-okay, I always want to fuck her, but in that moment, my lust for her was overpowered by my need to just... talk to her.

I don't think that has ever happened in a long time.

I catch myself smiling at the thought of it and I quickly wipe the look off my face. Fuck. This is madness. This is not me. I don't have decent conversations with girls. I manipulate them, tease them, fuck them-a couple of times if they're lucky enough, and then when I'm done with them, I leave. Simple rules to live by.

But I think I may have just broken that rule. For Blaire.

I don't stop walking until I reach the end of the staircase. The clicking noises get louder and I wince, the horrible sound piercing my ears, scratching my ear drums. I spot Blaire by the grand doors, her back towards me. Her dark hair flows down her shoulders in waves upon waves, like the flames of a fire, never once keeping still. I stop at my tracks and watch her like the fucking creep I am because curiosity has gotten the better of me and I've never seen her like this before.