Beg ✟ h.s. au (M)

t h i r t y - n i n e

"Don't give up before the miracle happens."

A Rush of Blood to the Head x Coldplay

Stella's pov

It's funny really. How people don't expect for their life to change so instantaneously. At the blink of an eye its all different as if it gradually changed without notice, but in the moment it just springs up on you out of nowhere. 

My life has changed in a number of ways. Ways I had never imagined before, experiencing things I would never associate myself with. 

The up most change that was brought into my life was, well, love. I fell in love so freely, so openly that not only had it caught me by surprise, but it had become my ultimate demise. Something that in retrospect was my own fault as I let myself be defined by my actions. I let my perception of myself stop me from accepting the fact that I could love. I was allowed to be happy, to fall so head over heels for someone and be okay with it. 

I just wish I had seen then what I see now. 

I called so relentlessly to the point where I had filled his voice box to the max, and ultimately my calls would no longer go through anymore. I couldn't will myself to quit. I couldn't stop fighting for him because he is all that I want.

If I learned anything, you fight for what you want in this selfish world.

But then suddenly it had progressed into days, then nearing a full week. Nothing. I hadn't heard a single word from him, and suddenly I couldn't find him anywhere. Every corner I turned within that goddamned building only gave me a glimpse of hope that I'd catch him. But it seemed as though he knew this, and he found a way to avoid all, and any contact with me. He was persistent.

No, not persistent. Hurt. Angry.

And I don't blame in the least. I don't find any emotion he's conveying, or any word spoken to be wrong. He had the right. After all, I caused this.

I do wish he would have listened to me. My reasoning behind my pitiful actions, my dying love for him, it all. I so wish he would have allowed me to reason with him. But then again, I understand completely. There was this guilt that had consumed me entirely. A guilt that ate away at my conscience, and there was a small bit of me that was almost relieved. Relived that he knew. But then again, to what extent.

I never thought love was real, and I was proven so wrong. Love has to be real and I see that now. Not only do I see it, but I feel it. I feel the relentless ache in my chest. The pain only amplifying as I replay the moments that lead up to the slow demise of what was us.

No, not us. There never was an us.

I kept to myself within the week. My every thought consumed by him, and there was nothing to stop it. There was nothing that could distract me from what I had ultimately ruined. The thoughts I kept to myself though only damaged myself further. The conversation we had only racked in my brain constantly, his words echoing back and forth, never ending. 

"You're nothing more than a whore."

Out of all the people to have had a judgement of who I am, his hurt the most. He was the only person to have ever thought more of me, to have given me some benefit of the doubt. He had some reassurance in me as a person, and I'm not sure if that's to do with how he was raised, or his religion, or if it was just him trying to trust the one to take away all his firsts. 

Whatever the reason he chose to give me some sort of clean slate didn't matter anymore. He had the same perception of me as the rest of the people around me. I do wish I had a way to justify what I did to him other than being scared out of my mind, but that's what it was. I was weak, and unsure of my feelings and so, I acted on how I felt I should. 

But this wasn't something I was just going to give up on. I wasn't going to just admit it was over because I have come to the point where I know that I deserve this. I deserve to be happy, and I'm not quitting now. I have to tell him how I feel. He has to know, because maybe - just maybe - he will look past all of this. 

And we can finally be together. 

Because God did I miss him.

I missed is touch, his smell. I missed the way he would hold me while we kissed, the way he would place the stray hairs behind my ears. I missed the way he would stare at me, like I had put the stars in the sky. But mostly, I missed the way he would speak of us. Of our future he swore we had, but now only realizes he was stuck in the lull of wishful thinking. 

I am going to prove him wrong though. I am going to tell him everything. 

But most importantly, I am going to tell him that I love him, and that I have loved him but was only too afraid to admit it. 

And as I glance over at the clock that reads about 12 in the afternoon on a Saturday, I realize I only have a few hours. A few hours until I pull what might be the most elaborate stunt ever.

But I mean, we all know the saying. Love makes us do crazy things.

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hi guys! okay I am so sorry for not updating for ALMOST AN ENTIRE MONTH WHAT THE HELL. but idk it was a mixture between writers block, no motivation, and another 3rd party lmao

so i'm at a cross roads right now with my stories and i am debating with myself over some things and i dont want to get too into it but I just wanted to let you guys know as kind of a heads up... idk im so sketch sometimes ooops lol

okay but HIGHKEY sad bc one direction will literally be less than thirty minutes away from me tomorrow BUT OFC I CANT SEE THEM BC MONEY AND I JUST WANT TO CRY its cool whatever im fine.

three chapters left loveess, what do you think is gonna happen? 

a quick question from a previous chapter:

what the one thing you would like really drop everything and leave to do?

honestly? probably to just run off to california and become a famous actress and be able to just have an easy life, and give back to my parents, and just... i dunno. it's so far fetched that it just makes me sad to know it will most likely never happen.

alright before I leave you guys I just want to say how thankful I am for every single one of you. You have supported me through times when I really needed you and, just the love and support for my writing -- something I love to do-- just baffles me to no end. You all have such loving hearts and I can only hope that you all feel as though I reciprocate those feelings. Just know that everything you do does not go unnoticed and I am forever grateful for you. 

highlight here with a question(if you have one)

and i will see you all very soon.

all my love

J.xx