When All Else Fails (Mavin)

Chapter One: I Am Hopeless

Chapter One:
I Am Hopeless

I am hopeless.

I cut, drank, burnt, I did anything to relieve the pain that was building up within me. Every smile and laugh I made was fake. Everyday, I was told that I was an idiot, a lost cause, worthless. Everyday, I got screamed at.

Everyday, I got worse.

I had clinical depression. A very serious case, according to my therapist that Geoff makes me see once a week. But the way I saw it... I was just wanting to get life over with.

I wanted to die. I had no reason to live. No reason to continue dwelling in this sad excuse of a life. No reason to get out of bed each day and see the light that seemed to be getting duller day after day. I had no reason to be doing the things I did each day.

Geoff always told me that I just needed to listen to my therapist and try to get better. He constantly tries to get me to leave the apartment and hang out with the AH guys. I never do. Which meant he never does either. Ever since the day he caught me downing a bottle of pills in the bathroom, he never left me home alone.

•••

I stared at myself in the mirror. At my horrendous, terrifying self. Tears poured out of my eyes, creating a tear streaked image of myself. My hair was a mess, a bigger mess than usual. My shirt was stained in the blood that still dripped out of my wrists.

I looked down at the waiting pill bottle. Attempt number three. If this doesn't work, then I'll have to resort to some messier method. I popped open the top and shook out as many pills as possible. I remembered the first pill I took. I used to hate the feeling of it going down my throat but now, I had a sick fascination with it. I looked at the handful of pills and quickly shoved them in my mouth.

The door opened, and Geoff looked at me curiously. When he saw the blood, tears and pills he knew exactly what I was attempting to do. He rushed over to me, screaming at me to spit the pills out. I didn't listen.

Geoff then pried open my mouth and physically scooped the remaining pills out of my mouth. I hit, punched, bit. I wanted to die and he wasn't letting me do that.

Griffon had walked in and saw Geoff holding me down as I screamed and cried uncontrollably. She had called 911 and they took me away.

I spent the night in the hospital. Geoff didn't tell any of the guys about what had happened, but he defiantly kept a close eye out for me from that point on.

•••

I spent the night in the hospital that night. Geoff didn't tell any of the guys about what had happened, but he defiantly kept a close eye out for me from that point on.

Now, I laid in my bed with the lights off and the door closed. I didn't move, I didn't cry. I just laid there. I knew Geoff was right across the hall with his door open. I knew Griffon and Heidi were downstairs making dinner.

Which was another thing, Griffon and Geoff thought it would be better if I didn't hang around Heidi while I was having one of my 'episodes'. I understood why. It would probably scare her if she saw me like this. I knew she looked up to me to be the hilarious 'uncle Gavin' she expected me to be.

I heard a knock on my door and Griffon gradually walked in. She sat on the edge of my bed and and stroked my hair in a motherly manner. I really needed to get a haircut.

"Dinners ready. Do you want to eat it in here or with us?" Griffon asked me.

"In here. I'm not feeling quite right. I don't want Heidi to see me like this," I whispered to Griffon. She nodded sadly before leaving my room again.