Fix Me

Chapter 32.

*****

I ran my hands through my hair as I tried to calm my breathing while staring at my wet face in the mirror.

I groaned leaning my forehead against the mirror and shutting my eyes tightly.

It had been four days, it was Friday morning now. About one in the morning to be specific. I was absolutely drained. I had been having nightmares every day and each time it was harder to wake up. The first time, I had woken up before I got hurt, now I felt everything. It was like being back home but with no way to run away because this time, no one cared.

Wednesday morning, Lyle had asked me if I was okay saying he heard mumbling from my room. I was trying to keep it silent. I hadn't gotten much sleep lately at all, about one or so hour every night, but that seemed better than mumbling in my sleep.

I sat on the toilet and pulled down my sleeves. My cast was written on and my other arm had some cuts just below the inside of my elbow from a couple of nights ago. I also had some bandage wrapped around my upper arm from tonight. I knew I shouldn't have, but I was feeling so messed up again.

Especially since nothing had changed since Monday, except now people were more subtle because Rick had lashed out on someone on Tuesday when they called me a name in the hall while I was with him. Now it was notes and somehow a couple of people had gotten my phone number. I didn't want to tell Damien because I had told him what actually happened in the bathroom and it upset him so much he actually yelled at them in the cafeteria later - not mentioning what happened - and they didn't answer back to him, they just sat there looking like they were going to cry and I felt horrible about it.

I realised by Rick's reaction that it upset the rest of Damien's best friends just as much and I didn't want them yelling at or fighting anyone more. It wasn't who they were... and it wasn't what I wanted to make them.

I felt so bad. I didn't want them hurting their friends or anyone else for me. I seemed to have started dozing of where I sat because a knock sounding on the bathroom door made me jump slightly as I blinked myself awake.

"Hannah... You in there?" Lyle asked.

"Yeah... Oh - yeah." I said as I glanced at the drops of blood on the sink. I bit my lip quietly reaching for the razor before I pulled my hand back. If I dropped it, he would know.

"You okay?" He asked.

"Yes - no. I think - I think I'm constipated." I frowned at the excuse but what else could I say? I hadn't made a sound while I was in the bathroom for thirty minutes. Did he know I was in the bathroom that long though?

"Oh. Okay." He sounded relieved, "I told you to eat properly... I'll give you something when you get out, alright?"

"Alright," I said.

I heard his retreating footsteps and stood up, quickly grabbing the blade but my shaking hand hit a toothbrush and that fell to the floor. I picked it up before putting the blade into my pocket along with the rest of the bandage. I cleaned the sink and flushed the toilet just to make my excuse seem legit and then opened the door to head to my room but I froze when I found Lyle standing there.