Slipping Away

Chapter 2

I woke up sprawled out upon the ground in the living room. I slowly sat up, wincing from the pain in my lower back and the pounding headache I felt in my temples. A bottle of Jack sat tipped over and empty on the floor. Barely a drop of alcohol dribbled from it. My mouth felt dry and sandpapery while my stomach felt queasy, making me nauseous. I slowly heaved myself up onto the couch and let myself fall back into it, the cloth conforming to my sore limbs. That's when last night's nightmarish memories came rushing back to my mind. Caroline. Gone. All that night I had drunk myself away, finishing a half-empty bottle of Jack Daniels until it was dry. I'd sat on the floor, flipping through photo albums in a puddle of my own sorrowful tears. Caroline had up and left my life. It's like she had finally latched the door to us, never planning on opening it back up again.

I glanced down at the coffee table noticing a notebook and a pen. I sighed and leaned down in a way that would cause me the least amount of pain as possible and picked the two items up. I needed to write out my feelings before I could ever dare speak them. I wasn't able to tell Caroline what was going on because I felt like a sorry excuse of a man. And feeling like that, how was I supposed to tell Caroline? With tears flowing free fully down my cheeks, I began to write to the love of my life.  Will she ever see this? Who knows. In all honesty, I just wanted to fix my mistakes.

April 1st, 2015

"Dear Caroline,

I know we've been in a very rough patch of our relationship this past month, and I am so deeply sorry for that. I sit here on our couch, in our home listening to the silence of nothing. That's what it is without you here, silent, lonely, sad. You left yesterday and I've never felt the pain of loss like I'm enduring now. It's hitting me like a freight train, barreling me over with such force that I feel like I want to die sometimes.

All you wanted me to do was talk to you. Communicate through words what was going on with me and what was happening up in this old mind of mine. Yet, I was so damn stubborn I'd either ignore you or be constantly insist nothing was bothering me. Oh, how big of a lie was that, and you knew it. I'm sorry that I caused you to run out on me so abruptly and I take full credit for that, it's my fault. I will tell you what I kept hidden behind a mask of alcohol and silence, though.

Caroline, I could never summon up enough courage to tell you what happened that night I went out with the boys to celebrate Carter's birthday. In all honesty, I couldn't admit to myself that it had happened. It's such a raw, deep, emotional subject to me... and I'm embarrassed about it. Caroline, I was slipped something at the bar that night. Some sort of drug I'm guessing. All I can truly remember comes back in bits and pieces. I think I can recall a blonde coming up to me towards the end of the night when the drug had kicked in. "Caroline?" I had asked, her image was blurry. The lady had led me back to the bus and had seduced me. In my mind you were you, this lady was you in my mind. I can still barely remember the both of us stripping bare. She'd touch me in places no one, no one but you should touch. The next chunk of time from there is completely lost and I don't remember a thing. That's all that I remember until Monaco came in a stopped it."

I stopped writing and set the notebook to the side. I looked at my body, feeling disgusted. Someone but Caroline had touched me... I couldn't live with myself knowing that. I swallowed hard and violently wiped the tears slipping down my raw cheeks. I needed to know if that woman and I.... I called Monaco.

"Hello?" BM answered my call.

"Monaco, I need to know.." I sobbed, not caring that I sounded like a blubberish mess.

"Know what? Luke, why are you crying?" He asked frantically.

I took a deep breath. 'Monaco, I need to know if that woman and i had sex. I need to truly know if I was.... I was...raped."

I lost it right there, my cries were audible to Monaco, but I didn't care. I was in pain.

"I thought you didn't want to know." BM said quietly.

"You took care of her, sent her to jail or whatever, I just want to know the truth." I whispered into the phone hoarsely.

Monaco was silent and hesitated before answering. "Yes."

I slowly ended the phone call and set my phone down. I rose from the couch, fully aware of the jolting pain searing through my body. I made it into the bathroom and stripped of my clothes. I looked at myself in the mirror feeling unclean and disgusting. I felt violated, I felt sick. I turned the shower on with scorching hot water, letting it sear down my back. I scrubbed every inch of my body, trying to rid of the images in my mind of any woman other than Caroline ever being with me. I had promised to her she was my one and only! On top of that she's gone, too! God why?! I punched the shower wall, instantly regretting it. I slowly slid down the wall. my tears just drained along with the water...

"My sweet Caroline, I never asked for it to happen. I'm truly sorry i was ever with another woman other than you. I feel disgusted. So badly did I want to tell you for I needed to be consoled, held by the woman I loved... yet I couldn't bring myself to. I felt and still feel like a sorry excuse of a man. If i can't protect myself, how was i ever supposed to protect you?

I will always love you to the moon and back,
Luke. "