Slipping Away

Chapter 5

April 20th
19 Days Away Passed

        My Dear Luke,
   
   As the days began to get warmer, my emotions only become stronger. The tears in my eyes seem to get more abundant with each passing day, creating mascara paths down my cheeks that are there so often; they seemed permanent. Bit by bit I'm slowly coming unraveled like a ball of yarn, a part of me seemed to float away each day. I'm getting tired of waiting for a call, a text, some sort of sign leading to an uncertain promise of a future. I wish that you were here, or I were there, or we were anywhere together. Just you and me together. I don't know how much longer I can hold on to the once rope of a commitment to each other, yet now it's just a thread, begging to fray its last strands and snap.

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My Sweet Caroline,

     When will I see you again? The leaves have begun to turn green again, signaling how many days that I have now gone without you. My gut twists and turns, creating lumpy knots that lay in my bottomless stomach. I ache so much that I haven't the energy to get out of bed in days to do anything other than use the bathroom. Eating was a foreign thing to do as well. I haven't ate much but a few scraps of whatever we have in the fridge. I'm scared I'm slowly killing myself. The depression has caught up to me, I ran as far as my legs could take me until I realized there was no use... you don't seem to be coming back.

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   The boys miss you terribly Luke. My heart shatters every time they utter your name, wondering where you are and why aren't you here. Not only do the boys miss you, Ava does too. It's been so hard to control her cries for you. A daddy's girl she became, just like I told you she would.

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  I sat in the each of the children's rooms today, letting my gaze land on each one of their toys and books, bed sheets that hadn't been laid in for almost a month, crayons strewn upon a table top ready to be used to color a magnificent picture, and dirty clothes still in the hamper. I will be honest Caroline, I sat and cried in each room, wishing for your return.

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As I sit here now, watching our beautiful children, I try to pinpoint the exact point that we did drift in opposite directions. Your face flashes in my head, over and over, twisting the knife deeper into my heart. Maybe, just maybe, letting go would be easier than holding on, because holding on is causing me more pain than letting you go would. I can feel you slipping away just as I can feel the tears slipping down my cheeks. Quickly, quietly, sorrowfully.

I write this letter in our kitchen of the beach house, the one we designed together, spending hours working on intricate details of each level of the house. One of my fondest memories. My phone sits next to me, waiting to set off a chime at the signal of a call. Do I dare call you? Do I make that step? Will you answer?

I set my pen down and looked up at the kids. "Guys, go outside and play please."

"Aw, do we have to Mamma?" Bo whined.

Til looked at me and then to Bo and Tate. "Let's go guys. We can play sand warriors."

I silently thanked him. He knew what was going on. My hands shook vigorously as I picked up my phone. My fingers hovered over Luke's contact.

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  Caroline, my mind keeps jotting back to a decision I have been trying to decide on what to do for days. If I call you, will you answer? Will you dare speak my name once again? Forgive me?

  I rubbed my scruff with both hands and took a deep breath, inhaling sharply. On the nightstand sat my phone. Oh who am I kidding? This has gone on long enough, too much heartbreak has been endured. I need her back. I clicked her contact and the dial tone sounded.

"Luke?"

"Caroline?" I gasped.