Slipping Away

Chapter 6

When something bad happens, you have three choices. You can let it define you, destroy you, or you can let it strengthen you.

  :::

Luke?" I breathed. No answer. "Luke!" I said again. No reply. "Luke answer me! I miss you! I can't do this anymore!" No response, not even a sigh. I dropped my phone and stumbled backwards.

I jolted up in my sleep in a cold sweat. My breathing was heavy and my heart thudded quickly. I closed my eyes tight and swallowed the big lump in my throat. It had been a dream. Luke hadn't called me, I hadn't called him. Glancing at the clock sitting on the dresser, I read the time. It was 9 am. I could make it to Tennessee fairly quickly if I wanted to. I swung my legs over the edge of the bed and hopped out, making my way into the kitchen. There sat LeClaire, playing cars with Tate. I smiled wide, just what I needed.

"Mama, oh thank goodness. I've made a huge mistake and I need to to watch the kids here and I need to go. I miss him and I love him and-"

She came over to me and hushed me. "I know, why do you think I came? Go."

"Oh God bless you Mama LeClaire!" I exclaimed, wrapping her in a hug.

She chuckled and I ran off to get ready. Soon I was on the road to go wrap my husband in my arms once again.

:::::

I pulled up to the house and all was normal. It was just the way I left it when I went down to Florida a month ago. I ran inside, expecting to find Luke, but I didn't. I practically turned the house upside down looking for him. I sat down on the sofa in the living room, feeling very emotional. My eyes brimmed with tears. Had he left just like I did? As I wiped my eyes, I glanced at the coffee table, noticing a cardboard box. I looked in it only to find tons of envelopes, all dated in Luke's handwriting. I pulled one out. April 2nd. The first day Luke had gone without me. I gently tore open the envelope and found a lined piece of filled with Luke's writing, except it was extra messy. I noticed a tear stain at the top, my heart shattered.

April 1st, 2015

     Dear Caroline,

  I know we've been in a very rough patch of our relationship this past month, and I am so deeply sorry for that. I sit here on our couch, in our home listening to the silence of nothing. That's what it is without you here, silent, lonely, sad. You left yesterday and I've never felt the pain of loss like I'm enduring now. It's hitting me like a freight train, barreling me over with such force that I feel like I want to die sometimes.

     All you wanted me to do was talk to you. Communicate through words what was going on with me and what was happening up in this old mind of mine. Yet, I was so damn stubborn I'd either ignore you or be constantly insist nothing was bothering me. Oh, how big of a lie was that, and you knew it. I'm sorry that I caused you to run out on me so abruptly and I take full credit for that, it's my fault. I will tell you what I kept hidden behind a mask of alcohol and silence, though.

    Caroline, I could never summon up enough courage to tell you what happened that night I went out with the boys to celebrate Carter's birthday. In all honesty, I couldn't admit to myself that it had happened. It's such a raw, deep, emotional subject to me... and I'm embarrassed about it. Caroline, I was slipped something at the bar that night. Some sort of drug I'm guessing. All I can truly remember comes back in bits and pieces. I think I can recall a blonde coming up to me towards the end of the night when the drug had kicked in. "Caroline?" I had asked, her image was blurry. The lady had led me back to the bus and had seduced me. In my mind you were you, this lady was you in my mind. I can still barely remember the both of us stripping bare. She'd touch me in places no one, no one but you should touch. The next chunk of time from there is completely lost and I don't remember a thing. That's all that I remember until Monaco came in a stopped it.

My sweet Caroline, I never asked for it to happen. I'm truly sorry i was ever with another woman other than you. I feel disgusted. So badly did I want to tell you for I needed to be consoled, held by the woman I loved... yet I couldn't bring myself to. I felt and still feel like a sorry excuse of a man. If I can't protect myself, how was I ever supposed to protect you?

I will always love you to the moon and back,
Luke.

I was bawling, my hands shook, I couldn't think straight. Why didn't he just tell me? I treated him like an ass this past month, leaving him here all alone. Luke, was raped, and was slowly crumbling inside. I wanted to wrap him in my arms and tell him it was okay to be afraid. And that he wasn't a sorry excuse of a man. Just then, I heard the door click and the thud of boots against the floor. I picked up the letter and walked towards the foyer to find Luke.

"Caroline, oh Caroline I've--" He exclaimed but trailed off as he saw what I was holding. His face grew solemn. "You know now."

"Oh Luke," I breathed. "It's okay." I walked towards him but he stepped back.

"Don't Caroline, I-I can't protect myself let alone you. Go back to Florida with the children." A tear slipped from his eyes and my heart dropped to my stomach.

"Luke, no it's alright. It wasn't your fault." I cried.

He shook his head. "Yes it was, I let it happen. I should have known it was some random girl. I should be able to tell the difference between my wife and a stranger! I'm a lousy man Caroline!" He yelled.

I shook my head, tears streaming down my cheeks. "No, you're not. The alcohol got to you and you couldn't help that. It was no where near your fault."

"I feel violated and disgusting." Luke choked out. He began pointing to places all over his body. "I was touched here, groped there, kissed all over.. and I-I."

I ran up to him before he could protest and wrapped him in my arms. He collapsed in my grasp and cried on my shoulder. I rubbed his back, up and down, whispering to him how it was all right now. Luke shook involuntarily, taking deep breaths every so often after a sniffle.

"I love you Luke, and it's alright." I whispered, squeezing him a little closer to me. "Dry your eyes, everything will be okay from now on, I promise."

"I love you." He breathed.