Slipping Away

Chapter 3

April 2nd

Today was the first full day I have been away from Luke. For the kids' sake, I tried my very hardest to hold in all of my emotions and keep myself from crying. All of my emotions that were bubbling up inside of me just wouldn't go away and I knew they wouldn't for a very long time, possibly never. Knowing Luke, I'm sure he was freaking out right now. I frowned. But with the way he's been acting lately, maybe not... I just shook my head. No, that couldn't be the case. All he needed was some time to himself to get back on track and get a hold of himself.

With me homeschooling the kids now, I was able to go to the beach house in Florida so I wouldn't have to go home. It was a nice getaway. The April air was warm down in Florida compared to Tennessee's still chilly air. I sighed as I looked out the large, floor-to-ceiling window in the family room. The moon glowed over the waves of the Gulf Of Mexico as they rolled in and sinked back out with perfect rhythm, creating a beautiful scene. The house was quiet. There was no squealing coming from Tate as Luke played "tickle cowboy", their version of the tickle monster. There was no hunting talk coming from the garage as Til and Luke engaged in a conversation about their next big trip. There were no fake car noises coming from the living room as Bo and Luke raced little matchbox cars along a race track rug Bo had lugged into the room from the playroom. And there was no one holding me in their arms on the couch as we watched TV or rambled on about pointless topics. Luke wasn't here... I felt the tears begin to slide over my cheeks knowing our marriage was at stake. I couldn't lose Luke, no not now, not ever. But what could I do if he didn't even make the slightest effort to try and save it?

I stood from the couch and walked upstairs to the master bedroom. As I flicked the light on, Luke and I's wedding picture framed above the bed caught my eye. I slowly hobbled to the bed and collapsed onto it. Who was I kidding? I couldn't do this. I couldn't just run away from my problems and pretend everything is fine when it's certainly far from that. I've held it together best I could, but a night like this is begging me to fall apart. And that's just what I'm doing. I'm falling apart. When I gave Luke my heart, I didn't expect for it to be broken into pieces...

Dear Caroline,

Today April 2nd, was the first full day I have gone without you by my side and it's ripped me to shreds. I kept looking at your side of the bed this morning, hoping you'd magically appear. I kept hoping I'd see your blond curls sprawled across the pillow and I'd hear your slight snores. I kept wishing that you would kiss me good morning and say "I love you"... but my hope slowly dwindled as I realized that wouldn't happen. It took all I had to drag myself out of bed.

As I entered the kitchen, wearing day-old sweats and a t-shirt, I wasn't met with the normal pleasant aroma from your usual Saturday morning cinnamon waffles. Or the sound of pots and pans clanging together. I was hit with the painfully quiet, lifeless buzz of a kitchen. Nothing stirred but the pendulum in the grandfather clock just around the corner. The usually enjoyable cup of joe was lacking there of anything enjoyable. We usually sat and talked about our day over coffee before the boys came hustling down the stairs to devour the mouthwatering breakfast you had prepared... but you weren't there. And the boys never came rushing down the stairwell either.

The rest of the day I became restless, jumping to foolish conclusions. Oh, but I did finally hang our family portrait we took in January over the mantle. I also fixed the squeaky bathroom door like you had asked me to a week ago. My love, I'm sorry I didn't get to those few simple tasks quicker. I out other priorities first and I am so very sorry.

At one point, I even tried to make your famous chocolate-filled cupcakes you make every Saturday night for the kids, but that ended in a disaster. I had to throw the whole batch out. They tasted disgusting. I think I may have put salt in the batter thinking it was sugar. Hon, why don't you have these canisters labeled?!

This letter is pretty pointless, seeing that you won't ever read it. But I just wanted to get it all out there. Caroline, I can't do this alone. Damn, do I miss you with every part of me. I'm praying you'll come back to me.

I'm always gonna love you to that great big ole' moon and back,
Luke