All I Want For Christmas Is You - a Magnus/Alec fanfiction

Chapter 4 - December 4th - Alec

December 4th - Alec

"Toby!" I call "Come here!"

He looks up from where he sits at the dining room table. He's been so wary of me since yesterday. Everything I did and said was wrong. Toby is shy enough as it is, and I have a responsibility to look after him. If nothing else, the Law requires me to help him. But its more than that. I have to help Toby, because he's so like Jace. He isn't just his half-brother and has his blonde hair; he's in a similar situation as Jace was in.

When I was eleven, Jace was adopted into our family. He had nowhere else to go, and the only reason he was here was because our fathers were parabatai. We didn't know him, but we protected him nonetheless. He trusted us, if for the pure reason that he had no other choice. But now, he doesn't trust us because he has to. He trusts us because he loves us. I recognise this same situation in Toby; he's trusting us because he has to, and we should try and make him trust us because...well, because he trusts us. Maybe even because he likes us.

I spent a long time last night talking to Magnus about what to do about Toby. Of course, I want to apologise, to make things right. But it's difficult. I want to approach it right. Magnus convinced me I should talk to him, assuring me that - as much as I feared it - Toby wouldn't (and didn't) hate me. I'm not sure why, but I want Toby to like me. I suppose it's just not nice to think he'd dislike me. If I'm responsible for looking after him, I want him to trust me. I want him to know he could come to me with anything. Truly, he could. I'm just not sure he knows it right now.

"Sit down." I say, and he perches in the armchair opposite me. He looks worried, like he's scared I'll yell at him again. I can't really blame him, I guess, though it makes me feel bad this thought would cross his mind; that my actions would make it cross his mind. "Look," I say. "I'm not going to shout at you. You can relax."

He nods and I continue.

"Toby, I'm really sorry about yesterday. I didn't mean to get mad with you. You didn't do anything wrong. I was just...upset. Okay?"

Toby nods again, relaxing slightly. I feel bad I even have to tell him he didn't do anything wrong. Clearly, it was me - not him - who was in the wrong.

"That room you were in, it was my brother's room." I explain. "He died a couple years ago."

"I'm sorry." Toby says, in his careful, quiet voice. He knows loss, I remind myself. He understands. For a young child, he's more perceptive and compassionate than I can give him credit for. I suppose I'm lucky to be offering my apology to Toby of all people.

"It's alright. Truly, Toby, is isn't your fault. But I hadn't been into Max's room since he died; no one has. I don't even know why. I guess we were scared to change anything? We wanted to preserve everything we had of him, I guess. Because we barely have anything left. And then I saw you in his room, and it felt like I'd lost a part of Max, even though you've touched a couple of things. Like, maybe because I didn't have everything just as he left it, I may as well have had nothing. It's...ridiculous. I...I'm sorry, Toby."

Toby nods, his young face grave.

"It's not ridiculous. I get it. You miss him. I won't go into his room again. I won't touch anything. I promise."

I take a deep breath before answering.

"No, no. It's okay. You can go into Max's room, and read his books or whatever. He would have wanted to be your friend, and he shared his stuff with his friends."

Toby looks up then, seeming almost...hopeful. His mouth curves in a small smile, eyes glimmering.

"Really? He'd have wanted to be my friend?"

I feel my brow knot curiously. Why is Toby so excited by that prospect? It's not as if he and Max could be friends, not now. It's true that Max would have loved Toby, but Toby's eyes are lit up now, regardless of how unfeasible their friendship is. Then I realise; maybe Toby is lonely. This fact saddens me, and I feel it like a stab wound through my chest. Of course he's lonely. He's all alone in the world. Well, I tell myself, no, he isn't. He has Magnus and I. And he needs to know that; to know he isn't alone.

"Yeah, yeah of course. He'd have loved to be your friend." I say gently. Usually, I'm quite brisk, and my soft tone is out of character. It surprises me a little, but it's not wholly unwelcome.

"Seriously?" Toby asks.

I nod, the corners of my mouth turning up in a small - but hopefully reassuring - smile. "Seriously."

He looks so happy and I can't help but smile, because I remember being his age and so desperately lonely. Jace hadn't come to the Institute yet, so I didn't have a best friend then. All I had was Izzy and my parents, and I didn't count my family as friends. That seemed like it didn't really count, even then. As early as aged ten, I was already training and rarely left the Institute since all the time we weren't home, we were in Idris. Isabelle jumped at the opportunity whenever there was the chance to go out, usually to train with other young shadowhunters her age when we were away in Idris, and therefore made friends. But even as a kid, I was painfully shy. I have memories of parties in Idris, shadowhunter gatherings, of hiding in bathrooms and corners, standing on the edge whilst Izzy chatted and danced and made friends.

Then Jace came to the Institute and I finally had a best friend, a parabatai, someone to talk to and train with. We were closer than brothers, we still are. I had Jace. I had Izzy. I wasn't alone. Jace was my best friend, the person I'd throw myself on a blade to protect, who I'd stay up laughing with until sunrise. Isabelle was my confidante, the person I wouldn't have to throw myself on a blade for because I'd never let her put herself in that kind of danger, who I would stay up talking through our problems with for hours. And both of them were more than friends: they were family. Everyone needs friends, and the very least I can do for Toby is act as a friend to him as well as looking after him, at least until we find someone his own age for him to hang out with. It must be overwhelming, being tossed head first into the Shadow World. If I can make this in any way easier for him, I'll try. I'd never want him to feel alone. He needs to know he isn't.

Toby is beaming at me, and I smile back. My gaze, however, drifts to a figure draped over the counter, grinning at me from the kitchen. Magnus.

He mouthes something to me; "Everything okay?" and I nod. Smirking happily, he saunters into the room.

"Hey, Toby. You two doing okay?" He asks, perching himself on the arm of my chair.

Toby nods in response. "Yeah!"

"We're fine." I tell Magnus, then turn to Toby. "Are we good, Toby?"

"Yeah," he replies, smiling. "We're good."